RAW Choice Cut: Audioslave - "Like A Stone"
Home sweet home. And like that, college is over. When I sit back and think about it, it's pretty damn amazing how quickly that time flew by. Oh well, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing. Just means it'll be a lot less frequent and a lot less people will read it. Guess now instead of me over-analyzing stuff (RAW) or just doing random social commentary (EAP), it'll be more like a diary. Should be interesting.
"I can't see 'em comin' down my eyes, so I gotta make this song cry." - Jay-Z
I amaze myself. I talk about how good an occasional cry is, yet I refuse to do it. I think graduation might have been one of the happiest times of my life, yet one of the saddest. I knew things were changing. I knew I'd never see some people again. I knew that I have didn't a clue as to what was immediately next. With all these emotions and thoughts in my head, there were a few times where I was seconds away from just letting the waterworks go. Never more than when saying goodbye to people. I don't think there was one person who I wasn't holding back a tear for when they left. When Michele left, I did good not to drop a gallon jug. Evenso, from the time Tristan left, to the time when I said bye to Miss Jen I had built up a nice reservoir. Yet when I was free to do cry, I didn't think it was necessary anymore. Hence I write about crying instead. Go fig…
"I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick. If you tick me, my tank is on empty." - Eminem
Another thought that came across my mind on the way home is what happens to T_Piddy? Yes, I know he's not real, but he is a part of me. He's the one that makes irrational decisions seem logical. He's the one that's always up for something new and different. He's the one that'll come over and listen to you when you want someone to talk to, even though he's been on the wrong end of a bad day himself. He's also the one that'll try to stick his tongue down your throat after having a bit too much (female) or take pictures of you when you're passed out on the kitchen floor. And while he's not the best of people all the time, he's a lot nicer than I've been in the past. I used to be really selfish, competitive, impatient, and really arrogant sometimes. Now I'm just impatient. I also stop listening and just hear you. Now that I'm tossed back into the same environment (not blaming my family. They're good. The causes behind my super-ego could fill up a RAW column by themselves) that originally brought this about for a while, I question how I grow as a person now. Does Piddy disappear? Do I retain his best features while blending them with my own? Or do I just slowly grow up into a well-rounded adult? Guess this is another one of those wait and see things.
"Chances blown. Nothing's free. Longing for what used to be…" - Offpsring
At my graduation party, I kept hearing a lot of people telling me not to rush with my job decision. This goes for now and post-MBA. They say there's enough time to work and never enough time to play. Also, to do something I love. Don't do it just because someone finally threw you a job. Or because the pay is outstanding. Do it because you have a passion for it. I find it funny because a friend and I had this same conversation about 2 wks ago. Neither of us want to do a job with great pay for 30 yrs, only to dread going every day - yet neither of us have a passion for anything. Then I started thinking illogically as I always do. I have passions, they're just "out there". My passion lies in professional wrestling. And pop music. And video games. And photography. And Ghostbusters. How I can turn any of this into a career, I'm not quite sure. But I've got time to figure it out…
But at the same time, I have to raise the question that at what point in making a career out of your passion do you lose your passion? How do you cope if what you use to escape the real world becomes your every day life? Kurt Cobain took his own life because he couldn't handle the fact that the music he loved now had him tied down. Now while this is an extreme case, it is relevant. Definitely food for thought…
"Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself…where is my mind?"
- The Pixies
Just some random thoughts I've had floating around lately…
*A question from freshman year that I never found an answer to: Can you be in love with someone if that person isn't in love with you?
*Will I miss Clemson now as much as I have in the past? While extremely nice, it was never so much the area or the surroundings that I missed when I left. It was my friends and the activities that were going on there. Now that the majority of my friends and I no longer call Clemson home for 9 months out of the year, how long will it be before Clemson becomes a place I talk about in the past tense?
*I look at my Clemson diploma and I think about a lot of things. "Only 100,000 other people or so have one of these." "Why is there no orange anywhere on this thing?" "Thank God they spelled my name correctly." "Whycome my emphasis area isn't stated on this thing?" But with all these thoughts the most overwhelming one is. "4 years of hard work. 4 years of very little sleep. 4 years of presentations, papers, and problems. 4 years of my life and all I have is a sheet of paper. I think I got hosed."
(now I'm talking about the physical diploma itself. The value of the degree is more than I can measure at the moment, but the diploma itself leaves something to be desired)
*Where'd all the girls go? Minus Courtney, I think I know no girls in Sumter. They all left town around sophomore year of college. And none of my fellas know any girls who are still around town either. Shit. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna miss Clemson.
*Speaking of girls, I now find blondes and black girls attractive on a per-case basis. My sudden noticing of blonde girls since January shouldn't need an explanation, but there have been some black girls around lately that are definitely worth commenting on. The girl from Twista's "Overnight Celebrity," is gorgeous and Alicia Keyes is quite tasty herself. But HOT DAMN, Stacey Dash (girl from Kanye's "All Falls Down" video) might be the most delicious creature walking. There had better be one damn good reason that Kanye didn't get on that plane behind her.
*Another one of those Terence is playing the "musical race card" things. In the same vein as my "White people love Andre" comment (which is true. Big Boi's "Last Call" would have been a much better single than "Roses," but it didn't have the same pop appeal as Andre's track…), I'm gonna talk about another boo-boo. White girls, please stop liking D12's "My Band." I'm singling out white girls because they're the only ones who like this God-awful song. Somewhere along the line, they find it funny. No. Just stop. Kudos to Miss Jen for changing the station that one day I was in her car and it came on (she likes the song, but I think she caught wind a while back of how much I loathe it. She's an observant one). Poo on Michele, Aubrey, Miss Rebecca for not only listening to the song, but singing with it. Ugh.
"Shoot for the stars, so if you fall, you'll land on a cloud." - Kanye West
I like this line. I'm not really sure what I'm aiming for at this point in my life, but I know to not sell myself short. And that goes for everything. Education. Friends. Relationships. Personal Happiness. Whatever. I may fail a few times down the road (which definitely won't be the first) but in the end I think everything'll work out.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Sunday, May 02, 2004
2 May 2004
RAW Choice Cut: None. Too many links (which are necessary (to me at least, but I also know where to look to make sense out of this thing) to read this time) plus the fact that Geocities can't handle the bandwidth equals no mp3 this time. Sometimes silence is better to think with anyways. If you really want a song, Jewel - "Break Me" is a great one.
"When it comes to bein' true, at least true to me, one thing I found I know you'll never let me down."
- Kanye West
My cousin Tricia told me that the friends you make freshman year will be the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. If that's the case, I seriously lucked out. I seriously believe I couldn't have found a better group of brothers if I tried. We've been through a lot. We've had good times with each other. We've had not so good times with each other. We've lived through random instances of great luck and we've also had to beat each other up a few times. That's how you make family. I've said my goodbyes to a few of 'em so far, but I know that shit ain't goodbye. While a little sad, I know its just an "I'll holla."
"I don't care where you've been or what you've done before, cause it's a whole new game when you walk through my door."
- Fagan & Clark
I've lived in a lot of places before. Some for 17 years. Some for just a few days. Now to say you've lived somewhere is completely different than saying that's where you call home. I can easily call 52B home. I truly feel bad for 2 things. 1, that after two years, my stay in 52B is gonna come to an end. 2, whoever lives here next will NEVER be able to live up to the 52B legacy. With T_Piddy, Lil' Cease, JD, and that random fourth (adding Phil to the mix this year was just a bad idea) all under one roof we've been the long standing epicenter of randomness in Lightsey Bridge. From having random freshmen funnel beers to "break 'em in," to the use of the fog machine, to that stupid drunk girl taking my socks, to punching the daylights out of Kel Kel (sorry hun) life's been interesting here. I'd love to be around to explain the water spots on the floor, why the toilet never stops running, the random pieces of silly string everywhere, and the huge stain in the SW corner of the room - but that's for CU Housing to worry about.
Speakin' of Piddy…
-----------------------------------------------
"It's time to show these players how it should be done, you got Pimp Potential. You might could be one."
- Lloyd Banks
Alright, I've come to the conclusion that girls might be the most illogical creatures on the face of the planet. There's no trying to figure them out. I told a story a while back about a few guys who gave their best effort to make things go right. Now of course, the stories didn't end there. There was a good bit more, but I have better things to do than fill up RAW space with the story of everyone's love life. That's what the EAP is for. Anywhoo, for this many guys to honestly try and wind up failing, well something's not right here. Then to hear statements like "I'm tired of all the shitty guys" and "______ is such an asshole," followed by lines like "well nice guys are okay, but they're boring" and "you know how I fall for the assholes" really doesn't make sense. You'll never hear a guy go "nothing like a girl that treats me like shit." Maybe because we use logic. And you girls wonder why I "joke" about saying that all guys should turn heel. Apparently that's what works.
"Her boyfriend, he don't know anything about her…I wish that I could make her see. She's just the flavor of the weak."
- American Hi-Fi
No, I'm not done with the female side of the species. I just needed a paragraph break. People like paragraphs, they make things easier to read. Observation of recent, and its been backed up by a female source. Guys want their friends. Girls try to make friends. Clarified, I'm saying that guys want to date their friends for a reason. They enjoy them so much in every way, shape, form, and fashion that the only next logical step is to try make a relationship out of it. Worse come to worse, they'll still be friends. Girls see it differently. They try to take the guy they're dating and make him into the friend they want. They want him to listen, care, be them for them, etc instead of giving the guy who a) does that willingly or b) would love to do that every day a fair shake. What happened to the line "to try and fail is better than to never tried at all?"
-----------------------------------------------
*scratcheshead* After reading that, I don't know if that was one of those "You cut one of us, we all bleed" moments or if someone slapped him in the face. Either way, it was so much nicer and less forceful when I said something along same lines last December. Anyways…
"Trust in my self righteous suicide. I cry when angels deserve to die."
- System of a Down
I'm a firm believer that you have to pay for your actions. In a nutshell, if you bought the mattress, assembled the bed frame, and then made the bed, well then it's yours to lay in. If you mess up somewhere along the line, it's one thing to come around looking for help. It's another to go around looking for others to feel sorry for you. Just because they sound the similar and can be used in sentences very similarly, empathy and sympathy do not mean the same thing.
"Some will win. Some will lose. Some are born to sing the blues." - Journey
Some times I look back on the decisions I made. Some of 'em were made very well. Completely thought out, not hasty at all. Others I probably should have waited on before making judgment. Instead of handling some things, I either ignored it or came up with some type of distraction so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I'd like to say "hey, I wish I could redo that one." But what's done is done. If something was meant to be redone, it'll find a way to fix itself…
"I keep asking myself, wondering "how?" I keep closing my eyes, but I can't figure out."
- t.A.T.u.
Sometimes I make observations or have thoughts that make sense to me no matter how crazy and/or illogical they may be. Now when other people stumble across the same observations, I have to ask the question - who's the one who's nuts here? Me for thinking randomly in the first place or them for thinking of the same thing?
"When I think about the future, I think about… success. family. happiness. hopes and dreams. love."
- Vitamin C
It's been an interesting time as of late. With everything winding down, I've spoken to a lot of people and noticed the same thing. We've all got the same fears. The same thoughts. It's almost as if I've had the same conversation multiple times. At my computer inside my own head. Over a tall cold one with an old friend. Standing in my doorway with George on my shoulder. Sitting on a couch w/ them lying in my lap. Driving to Seneca for no damned reason. If it's comforting to anyone other than me, just know that other people are going through the same things. We're all a little lost about what next, but I've noticed one thing from everyone. Optimism. With all the tears I've seen shed, the crackles I've heard in voices, the random sadness, there's always a thought of "well this part will be cool." That's what I'm holding on to. I'm not even too concerned about the nervousness. It'll pass.
"When it comes to bein' true, at least true to me, one thing I found I know you'll never let me down."
- Kanye West
My cousin Tricia told me that the friends you make freshman year will be the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. If that's the case, I seriously lucked out. I seriously believe I couldn't have found a better group of brothers if I tried. We've been through a lot. We've had good times with each other. We've had not so good times with each other. We've lived through random instances of great luck and we've also had to beat each other up a few times. That's how you make family. I've said my goodbyes to a few of 'em so far, but I know that shit ain't goodbye. While a little sad, I know its just an "I'll holla."
"I don't care where you've been or what you've done before, cause it's a whole new game when you walk through my door."
- Fagan & Clark
I've lived in a lot of places before. Some for 17 years. Some for just a few days. Now to say you've lived somewhere is completely different than saying that's where you call home. I can easily call 52B home. I truly feel bad for 2 things. 1, that after two years, my stay in 52B is gonna come to an end. 2, whoever lives here next will NEVER be able to live up to the 52B legacy. With T_Piddy, Lil' Cease, JD, and that random fourth (adding Phil to the mix this year was just a bad idea) all under one roof we've been the long standing epicenter of randomness in Lightsey Bridge. From having random freshmen funnel beers to "break 'em in," to the use of the fog machine, to that stupid drunk girl taking my socks, to punching the daylights out of Kel Kel (sorry hun) life's been interesting here. I'd love to be around to explain the water spots on the floor, why the toilet never stops running, the random pieces of silly string everywhere, and the huge stain in the SW corner of the room - but that's for CU Housing to worry about.
Speakin' of Piddy…
-----------------------------------------------
"It's time to show these players how it should be done, you got Pimp Potential. You might could be one."
- Lloyd Banks
Alright, I've come to the conclusion that girls might be the most illogical creatures on the face of the planet. There's no trying to figure them out. I told a story a while back about a few guys who gave their best effort to make things go right. Now of course, the stories didn't end there. There was a good bit more, but I have better things to do than fill up RAW space with the story of everyone's love life. That's what the EAP is for. Anywhoo, for this many guys to honestly try and wind up failing, well something's not right here. Then to hear statements like "I'm tired of all the shitty guys" and "______ is such an asshole," followed by lines like "well nice guys are okay, but they're boring" and "you know how I fall for the assholes" really doesn't make sense. You'll never hear a guy go "nothing like a girl that treats me like shit." Maybe because we use logic. And you girls wonder why I "joke" about saying that all guys should turn heel. Apparently that's what works.
"Her boyfriend, he don't know anything about her…I wish that I could make her see. She's just the flavor of the weak."
- American Hi-Fi
No, I'm not done with the female side of the species. I just needed a paragraph break. People like paragraphs, they make things easier to read. Observation of recent, and its been backed up by a female source. Guys want their friends. Girls try to make friends. Clarified, I'm saying that guys want to date their friends for a reason. They enjoy them so much in every way, shape, form, and fashion that the only next logical step is to try make a relationship out of it. Worse come to worse, they'll still be friends. Girls see it differently. They try to take the guy they're dating and make him into the friend they want. They want him to listen, care, be them for them, etc instead of giving the guy who a) does that willingly or b) would love to do that every day a fair shake. What happened to the line "to try and fail is better than to never tried at all?"
-----------------------------------------------
*scratcheshead* After reading that, I don't know if that was one of those "You cut one of us, we all bleed" moments or if someone slapped him in the face. Either way, it was so much nicer and less forceful when I said something along same lines last December. Anyways…
"Trust in my self righteous suicide. I cry when angels deserve to die."
- System of a Down
I'm a firm believer that you have to pay for your actions. In a nutshell, if you bought the mattress, assembled the bed frame, and then made the bed, well then it's yours to lay in. If you mess up somewhere along the line, it's one thing to come around looking for help. It's another to go around looking for others to feel sorry for you. Just because they sound the similar and can be used in sentences very similarly, empathy and sympathy do not mean the same thing.
"Some will win. Some will lose. Some are born to sing the blues." - Journey
Some times I look back on the decisions I made. Some of 'em were made very well. Completely thought out, not hasty at all. Others I probably should have waited on before making judgment. Instead of handling some things, I either ignored it or came up with some type of distraction so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I'd like to say "hey, I wish I could redo that one." But what's done is done. If something was meant to be redone, it'll find a way to fix itself…
"I keep asking myself, wondering "how?" I keep closing my eyes, but I can't figure out."
- t.A.T.u.
Sometimes I make observations or have thoughts that make sense to me no matter how crazy and/or illogical they may be. Now when other people stumble across the same observations, I have to ask the question - who's the one who's nuts here? Me for thinking randomly in the first place or them for thinking of the same thing?
"When I think about the future, I think about… success. family. happiness. hopes and dreams. love."
- Vitamin C
It's been an interesting time as of late. With everything winding down, I've spoken to a lot of people and noticed the same thing. We've all got the same fears. The same thoughts. It's almost as if I've had the same conversation multiple times. At my computer inside my own head. Over a tall cold one with an old friend. Standing in my doorway with George on my shoulder. Sitting on a couch w/ them lying in my lap. Driving to Seneca for no damned reason. If it's comforting to anyone other than me, just know that other people are going through the same things. We're all a little lost about what next, but I've noticed one thing from everyone. Optimism. With all the tears I've seen shed, the crackles I've heard in voices, the random sadness, there's always a thought of "well this part will be cool." That's what I'm holding on to. I'm not even too concerned about the nervousness. It'll pass.
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