RAW Choice Cut: Brand New - "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"
"You're beautiful. But its time to face the truth. I will never be with you." - James Blunt
Life's funny. Something that would have eaten me up inside a year ago almost brings a great sense of comfort now. It makes me genuinely happy to know when people are getting along smashingly well and that life is being good to them.
"Youth is like diamonds in the sun. And diamonds are forever." - Alphaville
I think I'm coming to terms with growing up. Willingly. There are a lot of things I don't enjoy doing anymore. Then at the same time, there are new things that I enjoy doing now voluntarily. And unlike before, I don't think I want to fight against it. It's almost as if I'm embracing a type of death. I kinda want to find out what's on the other side. What I've heard and experienced already hasn't been the best of times, but I don't think I was mentally prepared at the time. This go-round should be different.
"I need time. Love. Joy. I need space. Love. I. Need. Me." - Britney Spears
Back in September, or whenever it was I last updated this thing, I wanted to write about girls. Not about how great or awful they are, just how I really don't want one. It came out really homosexual, plus something else came up, so I scrapped that idea and went with whatever was posted there. This time, I'm just going to type whatever comes naturally, no matter how gay it sounds.
Right now, I really want very little to do with the female side of the species. At least as far as dating goes. And sometimes I think I'm broken, because I think I'm the only one seeing it the way I'm seeing it. Between Tyrell (aka Big Game James) coercing me to get back into the dating/random play scene (seeing as how I was harshly removed during my CCF tenure) and people asking, "Who am I seeing?" or "Is there a new lady?" I feel like I should be out there making an effort, but I just really don't want to. At least not right now. I've got a lot of soul-searching (I guess you can call it that) to do, and a lot of things I want to accomplish relatively soon, and I'm not sure how/if I could do either of those while trying to effectively split time with someone else/looking for someone. I'm lazy. I only have so much energy to focus in one direction.
Now I'm sure there's an exception to my idea of the moment out there - someone who'd actually get me to expend energy without making a big fuss about it. Actually, I'm pretty certain. But that's neither here nor there, seeing as how fate would have to lend a hand in getting that wheel turning. But for now, I'll just watch the dating pool from the deck.
"There must be an angel, with a smile on her face..." - James Blunt
And completely looking the opposite direction of my preceding paragraphs, a few weeks back I saw a pair of the prettiest eyes I've seen in a long time. They were just so calm and soft. Just, I don't know, peaceful to look at.
"You need to loosen up and live a little. And if you got kids let 'em know how you feel and for your own sake give a lil."
- 40 Thievez
Last year I donated to the Child's Play charity. Outside of helping my employees learn some necessary English words and mannerisms, it might have been the most personally fulfilling thing I did all year. I chose to donate to the Texas Children's Hospital. I didn't go big, because I wanted to try to help as many little ones as I could. I purchased a few educational DVDs, board games, coloring books, etc. and it made me feel really good. It made me feel even better when I got the cards from the parents of the children I helped. This year, I think I'll try to double my efforts. And the hospital of choice this year - Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. Sure, they didn't the bowl game berth I wanted them to get, but it can still be a good holiday season for someone in that area. So if you've got a little extra to give this year, give. Even if you don't have extra, still give some. You probably have more than you need and don't even know it.
"Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes. Cause I'm Mr. Brightside." - The Killers
So about the job thing. Yeah, I switched from AXA to Progressive. Am I upset? No. The whole thing was a learning experience. I lost some money and some valuable time, but I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly, no matter how much I want (or think I want) to change my entire personality, it ain't happening unless there's a great reason to do so. I'm not wired for sales. I figured this much before I even tried the AXA thing (hell, before graduation even), but I wanted to at least give it a good run to be certain. After the first two appointments, I knew that Financial Advising wasn't for me. Well, actually, I liked the advising part. I just didn't like the sales part that went along with it. Coincidentally, this realization overlapped with me taking the Series 66. After I lost any and all desire for the position (and you can almost tell when this happens if you look through my old blog posts), I just didn't care. I took the 66 still, but only because I had already paid for it. I knew that test was a lost cause before I even got there. Actually, I think that in my away message that day, I was more concerned w/ driving to Atlanta than passing that test. Considering that NASD requirements state that you have to wait a month before you can retake a test, I knew this would buy me enough time to look around w/o raising any suspicions as to why I wasn't soliciting any clients. Without the 66 certification, I couldn't.
Now unlike CCF, I don't hold any ill will or bad feelings against AXA. They're a good company with good people. It's just that the position they had wasn't for me. No biggie. That's life.
Now about this whole working in Florence thing, I haven't decided whether to be upset or excited about it. Eastern South Carolina is the one part of the state I know very little about. I love the upstate, tolerate the midlands, and loathe the low country. Everything east of Sumter to the beach has always just "been there." I do know Florence is bigger than Sumter and they hold WWE events. So that's a plus. But it ain't Greenville. And while I was really looking forward to ending up there soon, that's no longer a concern of mine. Things happen for a reason, and why I don't know the reason I wound up in Florence (especially when they mentioned in the interview that the Greenville area was the only part of the state w/ a high turnover rate), I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. Maybe Francis Marion has a great MBA program I don't know about. Who knows?
"The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked;
white, brown, yellow, and black colored is not restricted.
You have a self-destructive destiny when you're inflicted
and you'll be one of God's children that fell from the top.
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot.
So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never,
because the dance with the devil might last you forever."
- Immortal Technique
Sometimes I wonder how and why people respond the way they do when their prayers are answered.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
27 September 2005
RAW Choice Cut: Scar - "Be Prepared" (The Lion King Soundtrack)
Originally, a different topic was scheduled for this RAW column. But due to some unexpected situations, I've requested that I be given this time to clear my mind. Speak my peace on something things. Don't worry, Terence will be back next time to talk about whatever the hell he was gonna whine about. Probably something overly sensitive or borderline homosexual. Either way, it probably wasn't worth reading anyways.
"What's fifty million dollars?"
That quote written on "paper" doesn't boggle the mind the same way it does when it's spoken aloud. But hey, when do you ever hear that spoken aloud in a non-joking fashion anyways?
I have. And you don't realize just how much of a culture shock - no, culture destroyer that is. And I could tell that it wasn't just me who had their entire reality shattered by that. Here I am, sitting down with 3 other "kids" around a board table, as an Executive VP of one of largest financial institutions in the world kicks back and goes, "yeah, so what's fifty million dollars when you have half year earnings and profits in the billions?" And I think the thing that caught us off guard the most was that he wasn't talking about a $50 million dollar loss. It's weird seeing people talk about a $50 million dollar inflow of money with such normalcy.
I know I've talked a big game over the past few months. And while I can actually back most of that up with numbers, or information that I know and the like, this is something I completely wasn't prepared for. Now its almost as if there's been a paradigm shift. I've had my boss in the upstate say similar things, but it never really smacked me upside the head like this. As I looked around the table at my peers while the EVP was briefing us on different corporation plans and such, its almost as if you could read all our faces clear as day. It was a look that clearly said, "Holy shit. This is big time." I like this. But I'd be a liar if I didn't say I wasn't scared shitless too.
///// Mr. Polk's Financial Tip of the Moment: Reading is important /////
I can hear the collective "duh" from the 2 of you that stumbled across this update, but hear me out. I'm not talking about being able to read written language. While that is important, I'm talking about being able to read numbers. This was a lesson I had passed on to me earlier in the summer and I'm thankful for person who taught me that. You don't really realize how many people can't read numbers. I watch a lot of CNBC now. Have been for the better part of my time between jobs. And while I'm no expert in everything, I have a solid grasp of what's going on and why. My parents, not so much. They're not the only ones. There was definitely a 15 minute school session with my friends on how to read the stock ticker, the market graphs, P/E Ratios, stock splits, round lot Bid/Ask prices and the like. I'm sure that was an interesting scene. Six black guys in the room following the market. To steal a line from Piddy, they would have had their hood passes taken away had I not already had mine revoked. Thus making the whole thing acceptable. Anyways, back to the point. While now I know reading numbers is important to 0% of the population our age, I'd still at least look into learning how to do so. If not now, for the future. Mortages, Retirement plans, Investments. There's a lot of numbers there. If you can't read them, some "very trustworthy" salesman would love to be able to tell you what they say.
"...And when you start an army
When you set out to do what no one else can do
The first thing you do is you look to your blood.
You look to your buddies.
You look to your friends.
You look to The Kliq..."
- Triple H
I love my friends. All of ya'll. But I'll be honest, I break ya'll up into groups. I've been doing that since high school, and if you know me, you knew that already. It's not anything done on purpose, its moreso me analyzing then grouping. It happens.
But now I can say I've actually constructed a group. And I wouldn't be telling all this if there wasn't a greater (financial) purpose behind it. Somewhere in all my reading that happened before I woke up one day and decided, "fuck working, I got to find a way to retire early," I read that the best way to go on a journey is with others. Whether it be a physical, spiritual, or emotional journey, the trip is always easier as a group. Seeing as how this "change of reality" isn't going to be a short trip, I decided to construct my own "Dream Team." I've got my coaches (mom, stock broker, middle mgmt at my new employer) and my players. There wasn't a big scientific selection process either. It was just the 6 people closest to me when I decided to embark on my journey. (In other words, the people who got first crack at listening to me ramble on and on about all this.) Which is amazing, because when I decided all this should be put into effect, I was still chained up at CCF. Thus, I wasn't close to anyone except about three people. I later added Amanda as my fourth player after we left CCF, but that's another story. Chad (that's two, can you guess the other two?) has ideas on who else I'm looking at, but I might just leave it at 4. We'll see as time goes on.
Now I didn't tell this story to put anyone down, to outrank anyone, or anything like that. While this may be my first "constructed group" it's the only one that doesn't have a buddy list category. So yeah, it's not a group of mine that holds water really. I shared this moreso to share my thought process with everyone. It's always good to have a variety of people close to you just to bounce ideas off of. People who'll give you an honest opinion. At the same time, it's always good to have people around to help act as your eyes and ears. I can't catch everything.
And it's amazing what comes up too. Whether it's something big like, "Hey, there's a lot of unused land out here, let's get together and brainstorm what kind of business to open up" or "Hey, you should call up the owner of Fashion Shack and see if he wants to sell instead of leasing, its in a good location," to little things like "hey, there's cases of beer on sale in Columbia for $5.00, you want some for the next time you go to Clemson?" I've been extremely pleased with the results of this "project." They were all great friends before, but now there's like an added-value here. Now if I could only find a way to get everyone out to dinner at once. While it'd be fun/funny as hell, I'd kill to find out what kind of business ideas we could come up with together.
"Big rims, more ice. V12s or better. No itch, strictly leather." - Big Tymers
Walking through the Bank of America parking garage is always interesting. At 5:30 you see everyone leaving. Big wigs, middle management, yuppies, twenty-somethings. You name it, they're leaving. And they're all driving the fancy cars. Lexuses. BMWs. Jaguars. Escalades. Cadillacs. Buicks. While impressive, I have to ask myself, "If these people are smart and/or powerful enough to where they're making these nice salaries, why are they wasting it on these expensive fancy cars?" But who am I to judge what other people like? Some people might have an alter-ego that likes to show of fancy cars. I have an alter-ego that likes to show off wrestling belts. To each their own I say.
"Some things slide by so carelessly. Smile like you mean it." - The Killers
One last note. There's a complete change in attitude when comparing Bank of America Plaza to Carolina Culinary. At CCF, when I saw people, I spoke. When people saw me, they spoke. That's just how it worked. Not so much at BoA Plaza. I've been there about 7 times and outside of the security guards, one person has randomly said "Hi." Now I'm not talking about people in the office, they're great people. Just people you pass in the hall or on the elevator. What happened to southern hospitality? But as they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Do I smile or greet people now? Sometimes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do so. And it's cool, because now I don't have to feign happiness or hold meaningless conversations with complete strangers. But at the same time it's not cool, because I genuinely like people. Holding conversations with complete strangers is what I do.
Originally, a different topic was scheduled for this RAW column. But due to some unexpected situations, I've requested that I be given this time to clear my mind. Speak my peace on something things. Don't worry, Terence will be back next time to talk about whatever the hell he was gonna whine about. Probably something overly sensitive or borderline homosexual. Either way, it probably wasn't worth reading anyways.
"What's fifty million dollars?"
That quote written on "paper" doesn't boggle the mind the same way it does when it's spoken aloud. But hey, when do you ever hear that spoken aloud in a non-joking fashion anyways?
I have. And you don't realize just how much of a culture shock - no, culture destroyer that is. And I could tell that it wasn't just me who had their entire reality shattered by that. Here I am, sitting down with 3 other "kids" around a board table, as an Executive VP of one of largest financial institutions in the world kicks back and goes, "yeah, so what's fifty million dollars when you have half year earnings and profits in the billions?" And I think the thing that caught us off guard the most was that he wasn't talking about a $50 million dollar loss. It's weird seeing people talk about a $50 million dollar inflow of money with such normalcy.
I know I've talked a big game over the past few months. And while I can actually back most of that up with numbers, or information that I know and the like, this is something I completely wasn't prepared for. Now its almost as if there's been a paradigm shift. I've had my boss in the upstate say similar things, but it never really smacked me upside the head like this. As I looked around the table at my peers while the EVP was briefing us on different corporation plans and such, its almost as if you could read all our faces clear as day. It was a look that clearly said, "Holy shit. This is big time." I like this. But I'd be a liar if I didn't say I wasn't scared shitless too.
///// Mr. Polk's Financial Tip of the Moment: Reading is important /////
I can hear the collective "duh" from the 2 of you that stumbled across this update, but hear me out. I'm not talking about being able to read written language. While that is important, I'm talking about being able to read numbers. This was a lesson I had passed on to me earlier in the summer and I'm thankful for person who taught me that. You don't really realize how many people can't read numbers. I watch a lot of CNBC now. Have been for the better part of my time between jobs. And while I'm no expert in everything, I have a solid grasp of what's going on and why. My parents, not so much. They're not the only ones. There was definitely a 15 minute school session with my friends on how to read the stock ticker, the market graphs, P/E Ratios, stock splits, round lot Bid/Ask prices and the like. I'm sure that was an interesting scene. Six black guys in the room following the market. To steal a line from Piddy, they would have had their hood passes taken away had I not already had mine revoked. Thus making the whole thing acceptable. Anyways, back to the point. While now I know reading numbers is important to 0% of the population our age, I'd still at least look into learning how to do so. If not now, for the future. Mortages, Retirement plans, Investments. There's a lot of numbers there. If you can't read them, some "very trustworthy" salesman would love to be able to tell you what they say.
"...And when you start an army
When you set out to do what no one else can do
The first thing you do is you look to your blood.
You look to your buddies.
You look to your friends.
You look to The Kliq..."
- Triple H
I love my friends. All of ya'll. But I'll be honest, I break ya'll up into groups. I've been doing that since high school, and if you know me, you knew that already. It's not anything done on purpose, its moreso me analyzing then grouping. It happens.
But now I can say I've actually constructed a group. And I wouldn't be telling all this if there wasn't a greater (financial) purpose behind it. Somewhere in all my reading that happened before I woke up one day and decided, "fuck working, I got to find a way to retire early," I read that the best way to go on a journey is with others. Whether it be a physical, spiritual, or emotional journey, the trip is always easier as a group. Seeing as how this "change of reality" isn't going to be a short trip, I decided to construct my own "Dream Team." I've got my coaches (mom, stock broker, middle mgmt at my new employer) and my players. There wasn't a big scientific selection process either. It was just the 6 people closest to me when I decided to embark on my journey. (In other words, the people who got first crack at listening to me ramble on and on about all this.) Which is amazing, because when I decided all this should be put into effect, I was still chained up at CCF. Thus, I wasn't close to anyone except about three people. I later added Amanda as my fourth player after we left CCF, but that's another story. Chad (that's two, can you guess the other two?) has ideas on who else I'm looking at, but I might just leave it at 4. We'll see as time goes on.
Now I didn't tell this story to put anyone down, to outrank anyone, or anything like that. While this may be my first "constructed group" it's the only one that doesn't have a buddy list category. So yeah, it's not a group of mine that holds water really. I shared this moreso to share my thought process with everyone. It's always good to have a variety of people close to you just to bounce ideas off of. People who'll give you an honest opinion. At the same time, it's always good to have people around to help act as your eyes and ears. I can't catch everything.
And it's amazing what comes up too. Whether it's something big like, "Hey, there's a lot of unused land out here, let's get together and brainstorm what kind of business to open up" or "Hey, you should call up the owner of Fashion Shack and see if he wants to sell instead of leasing, its in a good location," to little things like "hey, there's cases of beer on sale in Columbia for $5.00, you want some for the next time you go to Clemson?" I've been extremely pleased with the results of this "project." They were all great friends before, but now there's like an added-value here. Now if I could only find a way to get everyone out to dinner at once. While it'd be fun/funny as hell, I'd kill to find out what kind of business ideas we could come up with together.
"Big rims, more ice. V12s or better. No itch, strictly leather." - Big Tymers
Walking through the Bank of America parking garage is always interesting. At 5:30 you see everyone leaving. Big wigs, middle management, yuppies, twenty-somethings. You name it, they're leaving. And they're all driving the fancy cars. Lexuses. BMWs. Jaguars. Escalades. Cadillacs. Buicks. While impressive, I have to ask myself, "If these people are smart and/or powerful enough to where they're making these nice salaries, why are they wasting it on these expensive fancy cars?" But who am I to judge what other people like? Some people might have an alter-ego that likes to show of fancy cars. I have an alter-ego that likes to show off wrestling belts. To each their own I say.
"Some things slide by so carelessly. Smile like you mean it." - The Killers
One last note. There's a complete change in attitude when comparing Bank of America Plaza to Carolina Culinary. At CCF, when I saw people, I spoke. When people saw me, they spoke. That's just how it worked. Not so much at BoA Plaza. I've been there about 7 times and outside of the security guards, one person has randomly said "Hi." Now I'm not talking about people in the office, they're great people. Just people you pass in the hall or on the elevator. What happened to southern hospitality? But as they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Do I smile or greet people now? Sometimes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do so. And it's cool, because now I don't have to feign happiness or hold meaningless conversations with complete strangers. But at the same time it's not cool, because I genuinely like people. Holding conversations with complete strangers is what I do.
Friday, August 05, 2005
5 August 2005
RAW Choice Cut: Straylight Run - "It's For The Best"
And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand,
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best
"Don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." - Unknown
I miss Michele. Terribly much. While there are the obvious reasons as to why - I really miss her being. If that makes sense. It seems as if she's the only one of my friends who I realize they're really far away. Cecil, Kel Kel, and Cassie are always online, Tristan and I keep up through phone calls / txt messages, Denny calls drunk, Phil's up at 4am, and Mike calls me at 2:30 in the morning for help on how to set up a wireless router. I don't know where I really want to go with this paragraph anymore. I think I had it summed up in the first five words. The rest, while truthful, was pretty much filler.
"I have become comfortably numb..." - Pink Floyd
It's really odd that a lot of my friends are defined by their jobs now. I can't talk much, because I think over the past year I was in that same group. Damn I whined a lot. Anyhoo its odd, because that's all we talk about a lot of the time. And we don't seem to mind or notice. While that's fine, it's just weird.
"All in all, you're just another dick with no balls." - Bloodhound Gang
I really love it when I find out that other people think that someone else sucks too. It makes me feel good to think that "no, I'm not being mean - that person is wasting valuable air." It almost amuses me that I'm not the only one who wants to punch people in the face sometimes too. While a good uppercut won't knock the sketchiness out of someone, it'll sure as hell make me feel better.
"Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on." - Modest Mouse
I'm really nervous about starting this new job with AXA. And I don't know if its so much being nervous, as it is being flat-out scared. I have to pass three tests. By word of mouth I heard they range anywhere from really easy to excruciatingly hard. Well that's nice to know. Then I've got a pre-contractual phase. This can last anywhere from a day or two to up to two months. Well at least I get paid during all this. Then there's loads of training to do after I get under contract. There are times when I just want to pull up CareerNet or something and just start over. But that would be taking the easy way out. I'll ride it out and see what happens. I just keep telling myself, "Being scared is a good thing. That means you're expanding yourself." Here's to hoping I'm right.
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star, if I could just get out of this place." - Billy Joel
Now that I'm back in Sumter during daylight hours, I've run into a lot of people from my past. It's interesting to see a lot of these people. A lot of them decided to just settle down here and stay in Sumter. Most without higher education - by choice. Me, I'm about to go insane here. I question myself as to why they decided to stay here when there's so much of the world to just see, let alone live. But then, I step back and think, "If they're happy here, who am I to question them?"
"Best friends means you get what you deserve" - Taking Back Sunday
Some people you just can't be compatible with. You find out you can't be lovers. You find out that being friends doesn't work so hot either. There's no need to try to walk that fine line in between. When that happens one person is exerting more than their fair share of energy. Relationships work when people meet halfway, whether its friendship, romantically, or whatever. I say that sometimes it's best just to stop trying. Or maybe I'm just saying this because you're right, I don't want to meet you in the middle.
And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand,
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best
"Don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." - Unknown
I miss Michele. Terribly much. While there are the obvious reasons as to why - I really miss her being. If that makes sense. It seems as if she's the only one of my friends who I realize they're really far away. Cecil, Kel Kel, and Cassie are always online, Tristan and I keep up through phone calls / txt messages, Denny calls drunk, Phil's up at 4am, and Mike calls me at 2:30 in the morning for help on how to set up a wireless router. I don't know where I really want to go with this paragraph anymore. I think I had it summed up in the first five words. The rest, while truthful, was pretty much filler.
"I have become comfortably numb..." - Pink Floyd
It's really odd that a lot of my friends are defined by their jobs now. I can't talk much, because I think over the past year I was in that same group. Damn I whined a lot. Anyhoo its odd, because that's all we talk about a lot of the time. And we don't seem to mind or notice. While that's fine, it's just weird.
"All in all, you're just another dick with no balls." - Bloodhound Gang
I really love it when I find out that other people think that someone else sucks too. It makes me feel good to think that "no, I'm not being mean - that person is wasting valuable air." It almost amuses me that I'm not the only one who wants to punch people in the face sometimes too. While a good uppercut won't knock the sketchiness out of someone, it'll sure as hell make me feel better.
"Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on." - Modest Mouse
I'm really nervous about starting this new job with AXA. And I don't know if its so much being nervous, as it is being flat-out scared. I have to pass three tests. By word of mouth I heard they range anywhere from really easy to excruciatingly hard. Well that's nice to know. Then I've got a pre-contractual phase. This can last anywhere from a day or two to up to two months. Well at least I get paid during all this. Then there's loads of training to do after I get under contract. There are times when I just want to pull up CareerNet or something and just start over. But that would be taking the easy way out. I'll ride it out and see what happens. I just keep telling myself, "Being scared is a good thing. That means you're expanding yourself." Here's to hoping I'm right.
"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star, if I could just get out of this place." - Billy Joel
Now that I'm back in Sumter during daylight hours, I've run into a lot of people from my past. It's interesting to see a lot of these people. A lot of them decided to just settle down here and stay in Sumter. Most without higher education - by choice. Me, I'm about to go insane here. I question myself as to why they decided to stay here when there's so much of the world to just see, let alone live. But then, I step back and think, "If they're happy here, who am I to question them?"
"Best friends means you get what you deserve" - Taking Back Sunday
Some people you just can't be compatible with. You find out you can't be lovers. You find out that being friends doesn't work so hot either. There's no need to try to walk that fine line in between. When that happens one person is exerting more than their fair share of energy. Relationships work when people meet halfway, whether its friendship, romantically, or whatever. I say that sometimes it's best just to stop trying. Or maybe I'm just saying this because you're right, I don't want to meet you in the middle.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
16 July 2005
Still hosted over at the Geocities page
Link
It was too much to copy and paste. Maybe a later date.
- T
Link
It was too much to copy and paste. Maybe a later date.
- T
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
31 May 2005
RAW Choice Cut: World Wrestling Entertainment - "No Chance In Hell" (Corporation Theme)
"I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking..."
- May 12, 2005
Well that next RAW column has come and before I dive into that headfirst, I want to speak about my job. Or lack thereof. By the time this is read by anyone, I will have put in my two-week's notice. The seventeenth of June in the year 2005 will be my last day. As much as I hate(d) my job, I find the ending to be almost bittersweet. I can hear my crew going, "what about us, why are you leaving?" I can hear the managers in the front office going, "Don't leave yet. What about the company? What about your action plans you were implementing?" You know what...
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.
I love my crew to death. They're almost like having kids of my own. I've learned each and every one of their moves and its almost like they've become apart of me. But you know, they can't help me out anymore than they already have. And as far as the managers in the front office - well Piddy's spoken on them before, and his thoughts are mine, so I'll leave that subject to rest. What about the company? Hell, they're just going to use me and spit me out when I'm done. They want my interests to be their interests, and unfortunately it doesn't work the other way around. And as of now, the most important person to me is - me.
Why the self-serving attitude? Like I said, I've been lazy. I've lost my spark, I've lost my fire, and I've lost my desire. My desire to do anything. Well you know what they say the best cure for laziness is. A little bit of greed.
But enough of that. I'll get to that later on down the road. As of now, I've got goals to outline and I want to write them here. Not only for me to see, but also for everyone - friends, enemies, acquaintances - to see. When things are written down in an open forum, not only do I have something to hold myself accountable too, but I also have a whole group of people who will do the same. It's scary how many people asked me if I put in my two-weeks notice two weeks ago when my profile said I was "quitting" June 1. I said I was quitting, and considering I'm doing all the necessary stuff on May 31, I'd say I'm ahead of schedule.
But anyways, back to these little lessons. As much as I'd like to say I came up with these on my own, I'll be honest and say I copied them straight, word-for-word from Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Quite possibly one of the best books I've read in a long time. It's not a get rich fast book or anything; it just opens your eyes to another side of thing. In simple terms, it's the whole "Red-pill, Blue-pill" scene from The Matrix in 195 pages. And while I'd love to be able to sum it up to save everyone $17.00, Terence started a tradition of keeping these things 1 page in length. I'm not about to change that.
Lesson 1 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich have money work for them.
"Most people fail to realize that in life, it's not how much money you make, it's how much money you keep and how many generations you keep it."
Lesson 2 - If you want to be rich, you need to be financially literate.
Lesson2.1 - "You must know the difference between an asset and a liability and buy assets. Rich people acquire assets. The poor and middle class acquire liabilities that they think are assets."
This is easily the single most important lesson I gained from this book. Sure I can invest and use my money wisely, but I'll never be able to do that effectively if I can't tell the difference between something as simple as APR and APY. I've had a Wall Street Journal subscription for 2 weeks now. Sure, I don't understand most of it and why things happen, but I know more now than I did two weeks ago
Lesson 3 - Mind Your Own Business
"Financial struggle is often directly the result of people working all their lives for someone else. There is a difference between your profession and your business. The mistake in becoming what you study is that many people forget to mind their own business. They spend their lives minding someone else's business and making that person rich."
One of those things I wish I had heard many, many months ago. I work 12-14 hour nights with a two-hour commute and for what? A paycheck that gets taxed heavily (you try getting $1200 taken out of one paycheck and tell me that isn't ridiculous). No time left for myself and barely any time to sleep. That stops now.
You must also strive to increase your Financial Intelligence.
Financial IQ is made up of 4 parts: Accounting, Investing, Understanding Markets, and Law. Respectively, you have to work on increasing your financial literacy, financial science, understanding of supply and demand, and your understanding on how you can protect yourself (and your assets).
Lesson 4 - Own your own corporation wrapped around your assets.
Right now I can see all my black friends going, "ah-ha, so that's how white folks do it." Thing is, its not so much the corporation, but the advantages that corporations have that individuals do not.
Lesson 5 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich make money.
While this sounds like Lesson 1, the points behind it are different. Basically, this part of the book talks about the fact that money isn't real. The more real you think money is, the harder you will work for it. "Great opportunities are not seen with your eyes. They are seen with your mind."
Lesson 6 - Work to Learn. Don't Work to Earn.
So true. And thankfully, this was a lesson I was following before I read the book. I worked in a meat plant not to pay the bills - but because I wanted and at the time needed the experience. And while I bitch and moan about how much that place sucks, I can't say it was a completely bad experience. It's true what they say in that no experience is a bad experience. Sure it sucked, but I learned a lot. Most of it was what NOT to do in a company, but lessons were learned regardless.
Okay, now that I finished that, what do I have? Six lessons that I copied down from a book with no real relation to me. That's where these come in to play...
From RAW 15
Short list of goals for the next 10 years - Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt. Buy Ms Pac-Man arcade machine. (Say what you wish, but they're tangible, I'm single, and I get a nice paycheck that I do nothing with...) Get MBA. Get job #2 in upstate South Carolina. Attend WrestleMania XV. Get job #3 outside of South Carolina. Vow to never reclaim residency in South Carolina. Find good girlfriend. Make her my fiancee. Get married. Let her live the "Glamorous Life". Have Chug. Buy Boat.
Now I make goals for myself. Always have for the most part. And at the time I wrote these (June 2, 2004) they seemed to be pretty good goals. Looking back on them - they suck. First off, none of them are SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time Oriented). Second of all, I had no clue that I was blatantly not following Lesson 2.1. There's not a real asset on that list. Sad thing is, I was on this big kick of having tangible assets. Here are some quick definitions for you.
Asset - Something that puts money into your pocket.
Liability - Something that takes money out of your pocket.
So what do I do about these goals I set for myself? I do what any smart person does. I evaluate the situation, make decisions, and adjust as necessary.
RAW 24 Goals
· Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt for less than $200 by July '04 (This has to stay on the list, because hell, I already accomplished it.)
· Open a "classic" arcade / family fun park by Summer 2014. Preferably with trustworthy business partners. - Aerospace and Shit Like That anyone? Those who know will understand.
· Receive my MBA from a Southeastern University with a respectable business school by 2009. Graduate with Honors.
· Find Job #2 in the Financial Services, Banking, or Insurance industries in Greenville, South Carolina by September 2005. (I don't want to live anywhere else in the state and the upstate was too vague. i.e. - Gaffney, SC is not on my short list of places I want to live. I don't care how many peaches they have. And plus, one of those industries in a city [Greenville] that is on the verge of breaking out into something bigger than its current form would do wonders for me. I'd learn so much about money and finances and have the world at my fingertips as to where I want to go next.)
· Attend WrestleMania XV and WWE SlamJam or the WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony in March/April of 2009. Be sure to bring at least one friend / family member.
· Position yourself to be able to land a position in Atlanta, Charlotte, or Florida. (As of now, I have no desire to leave the South. I like it here, but who knows what'll happen in a few years time. I might have to adjust this one - especially since it ties into the Job #2 goal)
· Start and manage a portfolio of smart investments by December 2005
· With the money gained from assets and investments, purchase a boat by December 2014. (I still want a boat. I'm just not going to use "my" money to buy it with)
Now before you ask, what happened to the girlfriend, fiancee, wife, kids, Chug, etc? Well, I've learned that I can't plan for that. As much as I'd like to, that sort of stuff is out of my control. I just have to be ready to adapt when that time comes.
"I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking..."
- May 12, 2005
Well that next RAW column has come and before I dive into that headfirst, I want to speak about my job. Or lack thereof. By the time this is read by anyone, I will have put in my two-week's notice. The seventeenth of June in the year 2005 will be my last day. As much as I hate(d) my job, I find the ending to be almost bittersweet. I can hear my crew going, "what about us, why are you leaving?" I can hear the managers in the front office going, "Don't leave yet. What about the company? What about your action plans you were implementing?" You know what...
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.
I love my crew to death. They're almost like having kids of my own. I've learned each and every one of their moves and its almost like they've become apart of me. But you know, they can't help me out anymore than they already have. And as far as the managers in the front office - well Piddy's spoken on them before, and his thoughts are mine, so I'll leave that subject to rest. What about the company? Hell, they're just going to use me and spit me out when I'm done. They want my interests to be their interests, and unfortunately it doesn't work the other way around. And as of now, the most important person to me is - me.
Why the self-serving attitude? Like I said, I've been lazy. I've lost my spark, I've lost my fire, and I've lost my desire. My desire to do anything. Well you know what they say the best cure for laziness is. A little bit of greed.
But enough of that. I'll get to that later on down the road. As of now, I've got goals to outline and I want to write them here. Not only for me to see, but also for everyone - friends, enemies, acquaintances - to see. When things are written down in an open forum, not only do I have something to hold myself accountable too, but I also have a whole group of people who will do the same. It's scary how many people asked me if I put in my two-weeks notice two weeks ago when my profile said I was "quitting" June 1. I said I was quitting, and considering I'm doing all the necessary stuff on May 31, I'd say I'm ahead of schedule.
But anyways, back to these little lessons. As much as I'd like to say I came up with these on my own, I'll be honest and say I copied them straight, word-for-word from Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Quite possibly one of the best books I've read in a long time. It's not a get rich fast book or anything; it just opens your eyes to another side of thing. In simple terms, it's the whole "Red-pill, Blue-pill" scene from The Matrix in 195 pages. And while I'd love to be able to sum it up to save everyone $17.00, Terence started a tradition of keeping these things 1 page in length. I'm not about to change that.
Lesson 1 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich have money work for them.
"Most people fail to realize that in life, it's not how much money you make, it's how much money you keep and how many generations you keep it."
Lesson 2 - If you want to be rich, you need to be financially literate.
Lesson2.1 - "You must know the difference between an asset and a liability and buy assets. Rich people acquire assets. The poor and middle class acquire liabilities that they think are assets."
This is easily the single most important lesson I gained from this book. Sure I can invest and use my money wisely, but I'll never be able to do that effectively if I can't tell the difference between something as simple as APR and APY. I've had a Wall Street Journal subscription for 2 weeks now. Sure, I don't understand most of it and why things happen, but I know more now than I did two weeks ago
Lesson 3 - Mind Your Own Business
"Financial struggle is often directly the result of people working all their lives for someone else. There is a difference between your profession and your business. The mistake in becoming what you study is that many people forget to mind their own business. They spend their lives minding someone else's business and making that person rich."
One of those things I wish I had heard many, many months ago. I work 12-14 hour nights with a two-hour commute and for what? A paycheck that gets taxed heavily (you try getting $1200 taken out of one paycheck and tell me that isn't ridiculous). No time left for myself and barely any time to sleep. That stops now.
You must also strive to increase your Financial Intelligence.
Financial IQ is made up of 4 parts: Accounting, Investing, Understanding Markets, and Law. Respectively, you have to work on increasing your financial literacy, financial science, understanding of supply and demand, and your understanding on how you can protect yourself (and your assets).
Lesson 4 - Own your own corporation wrapped around your assets.
Right now I can see all my black friends going, "ah-ha, so that's how white folks do it." Thing is, its not so much the corporation, but the advantages that corporations have that individuals do not.
Lesson 5 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich make money.
While this sounds like Lesson 1, the points behind it are different. Basically, this part of the book talks about the fact that money isn't real. The more real you think money is, the harder you will work for it. "Great opportunities are not seen with your eyes. They are seen with your mind."
Lesson 6 - Work to Learn. Don't Work to Earn.
So true. And thankfully, this was a lesson I was following before I read the book. I worked in a meat plant not to pay the bills - but because I wanted and at the time needed the experience. And while I bitch and moan about how much that place sucks, I can't say it was a completely bad experience. It's true what they say in that no experience is a bad experience. Sure it sucked, but I learned a lot. Most of it was what NOT to do in a company, but lessons were learned regardless.
Okay, now that I finished that, what do I have? Six lessons that I copied down from a book with no real relation to me. That's where these come in to play...
From RAW 15
Short list of goals for the next 10 years - Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt. Buy Ms Pac-Man arcade machine. (Say what you wish, but they're tangible, I'm single, and I get a nice paycheck that I do nothing with...) Get MBA. Get job #2 in upstate South Carolina. Attend WrestleMania XV. Get job #3 outside of South Carolina. Vow to never reclaim residency in South Carolina. Find good girlfriend. Make her my fiancee. Get married. Let her live the "Glamorous Life". Have Chug. Buy Boat.
Now I make goals for myself. Always have for the most part. And at the time I wrote these (June 2, 2004) they seemed to be pretty good goals. Looking back on them - they suck. First off, none of them are SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time Oriented). Second of all, I had no clue that I was blatantly not following Lesson 2.1. There's not a real asset on that list. Sad thing is, I was on this big kick of having tangible assets. Here are some quick definitions for you.
Asset - Something that puts money into your pocket.
Liability - Something that takes money out of your pocket.
So what do I do about these goals I set for myself? I do what any smart person does. I evaluate the situation, make decisions, and adjust as necessary.
RAW 24 Goals
· Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt for less than $200 by July '04 (This has to stay on the list, because hell, I already accomplished it.)
· Open a "classic" arcade / family fun park by Summer 2014. Preferably with trustworthy business partners. - Aerospace and Shit Like That anyone? Those who know will understand.
· Receive my MBA from a Southeastern University with a respectable business school by 2009. Graduate with Honors.
· Find Job #2 in the Financial Services, Banking, or Insurance industries in Greenville, South Carolina by September 2005. (I don't want to live anywhere else in the state and the upstate was too vague. i.e. - Gaffney, SC is not on my short list of places I want to live. I don't care how many peaches they have. And plus, one of those industries in a city [Greenville] that is on the verge of breaking out into something bigger than its current form would do wonders for me. I'd learn so much about money and finances and have the world at my fingertips as to where I want to go next.)
· Attend WrestleMania XV and WWE SlamJam or the WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony in March/April of 2009. Be sure to bring at least one friend / family member.
· Position yourself to be able to land a position in Atlanta, Charlotte, or Florida. (As of now, I have no desire to leave the South. I like it here, but who knows what'll happen in a few years time. I might have to adjust this one - especially since it ties into the Job #2 goal)
· Start and manage a portfolio of smart investments by December 2005
· With the money gained from assets and investments, purchase a boat by December 2014. (I still want a boat. I'm just not going to use "my" money to buy it with)
Now before you ask, what happened to the girlfriend, fiancee, wife, kids, Chug, etc? Well, I've learned that I can't plan for that. As much as I'd like to, that sort of stuff is out of my control. I just have to be ready to adapt when that time comes.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
12 May 2005
RAW Choice Cut: World Championship Wrestling - "Sting Entrance Theme"
"When a man's heart is full deceit, it burns up. Dies. And a dark shadow falls over his soul..."
There's no real good way to start this, so I'm just going to start. I don't like what I've made myself into. Now before anyone starts thinking this is some sort of suicidal, depressing bullshit, then apparently you don't know me that well. If anything, it's more of a resurrection...
In one hand, I have a persona that is about as over the top as you can get. His system is full of "crunk" and his vernacular is that of an unrefined person. He's thrown away countless dollars on strippers and alcohol and what does he have to show for it? Sure he has multitudes of whimsical adventures that have become the things of legend - but that's only in his own mind. And that big piece of gold he carries on his shoulder is cute and all, but he hasn't done anything of value to warrant carrying it. The shtick gets old after a while.
And in the other hand, there's a confused little boy fighting fiercely against growing up. He clings desperately to what he knew. He doesn't know what's fighting for or why he has to scream. All he knows is that he likes things "the way they were." Waxing nostalgic whenever possible, he lives so much in the past that many times he lets the future pass him by. It doesn't matter if its how cool Super Nintendo was, how much fun Sophomore year was, or how pretty Michele was, its all the same story. Getting him to use a sentence that doesn't include a past participle is like pulling teeth.
The funny thing is, this is what I decided to fill my hands with sometime between high school and college. This is what replaced what I used to be. A cold hearted, unfeeling, callous young man. Sometimes down right evil. Evenso, I was a young man with a plan. Driven mostly by purely selfish means, but driven nonetheless. And what's what I lost - my drive. My future planning. It became okay to live in the past and enjoy the present because, "hey, I've been successful all the time before, why not now?"
And for the most part, I was right. College was a blast and I did well. I made a lot of great friends, graduated Cum Laude, and have a plethora of stories to share with my kids one day. But all of that does me no good right now - well at least not as much as I'd like to. So, as of now, I go back to what worked. Looking forward for opportunities, planning ahead, and most importantly - looking out for me. I'm tired of being stagnant. Selfish? Yep. I mean if I don't look out for me, who is?
Now while I realize that completely trashing my alter-egos would be the best thing, it's not necessarily the smartest. I've learned a lot from those two and to just disregard those lessons would be dumb. From Piddy, I've learned the ability to just not care about what I do or say sometimes and Terence has taught me the value of having feelings and compassion for others. It's funny that I'm taking lessons from these two, because four to five years ago, they were doing the same from me. You think Piddy's ego came from nowhere?
Now this drastic "Return to Innocence" would be pointless without some sort of catalyst. Reason for the change? I want to be able to retire by the age of 45. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just my amplified personalities can't do what I know I'm capable of doing at the core. Sure, some sacrifices will be made, but that's expected. I'll deal with them as they come. Should be interesting.
I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking...
Closing Thoughts
"Just know that its fear that keeps most people working at a job. The fear of not paying their bills. The fear of being fired. The fear of not having enough money. The fear of starting over. That's the price of studying to learn a profession or trade, and then working for money. Most people become a slave to money...and then get angry at their boss."
- An excerpt from Robert T. Kiyosaki's, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad"
"See I believe in money, power, and respect. First you get the money. Then you get the mothafuckin' power. After you get the fuckin' power, mothafuckas will respect you."
- The LOX ft. Lil Kim & DMX - "Money, Power, Respect"
"The Japanese were aware of three powers. The power of the sword, the power of the jewel, and the power of the mirror. The sword symbolizes the power of weapons and represents strength. The jewel symbolizes the power of money and its control over others. However the mirror symbolizes the power of self-knowledge. According to the legend, this self knowledge was the most treasured of the three."
"When a man's heart is full deceit, it burns up. Dies. And a dark shadow falls over his soul..."
There's no real good way to start this, so I'm just going to start. I don't like what I've made myself into. Now before anyone starts thinking this is some sort of suicidal, depressing bullshit, then apparently you don't know me that well. If anything, it's more of a resurrection...
In one hand, I have a persona that is about as over the top as you can get. His system is full of "crunk" and his vernacular is that of an unrefined person. He's thrown away countless dollars on strippers and alcohol and what does he have to show for it? Sure he has multitudes of whimsical adventures that have become the things of legend - but that's only in his own mind. And that big piece of gold he carries on his shoulder is cute and all, but he hasn't done anything of value to warrant carrying it. The shtick gets old after a while.
And in the other hand, there's a confused little boy fighting fiercely against growing up. He clings desperately to what he knew. He doesn't know what's fighting for or why he has to scream. All he knows is that he likes things "the way they were." Waxing nostalgic whenever possible, he lives so much in the past that many times he lets the future pass him by. It doesn't matter if its how cool Super Nintendo was, how much fun Sophomore year was, or how pretty Michele was, its all the same story. Getting him to use a sentence that doesn't include a past participle is like pulling teeth.
The funny thing is, this is what I decided to fill my hands with sometime between high school and college. This is what replaced what I used to be. A cold hearted, unfeeling, callous young man. Sometimes down right evil. Evenso, I was a young man with a plan. Driven mostly by purely selfish means, but driven nonetheless. And what's what I lost - my drive. My future planning. It became okay to live in the past and enjoy the present because, "hey, I've been successful all the time before, why not now?"
And for the most part, I was right. College was a blast and I did well. I made a lot of great friends, graduated Cum Laude, and have a plethora of stories to share with my kids one day. But all of that does me no good right now - well at least not as much as I'd like to. So, as of now, I go back to what worked. Looking forward for opportunities, planning ahead, and most importantly - looking out for me. I'm tired of being stagnant. Selfish? Yep. I mean if I don't look out for me, who is?
Now while I realize that completely trashing my alter-egos would be the best thing, it's not necessarily the smartest. I've learned a lot from those two and to just disregard those lessons would be dumb. From Piddy, I've learned the ability to just not care about what I do or say sometimes and Terence has taught me the value of having feelings and compassion for others. It's funny that I'm taking lessons from these two, because four to five years ago, they were doing the same from me. You think Piddy's ego came from nowhere?
Now this drastic "Return to Innocence" would be pointless without some sort of catalyst. Reason for the change? I want to be able to retire by the age of 45. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just my amplified personalities can't do what I know I'm capable of doing at the core. Sure, some sacrifices will be made, but that's expected. I'll deal with them as they come. Should be interesting.
I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking...
Closing Thoughts
"Just know that its fear that keeps most people working at a job. The fear of not paying their bills. The fear of being fired. The fear of not having enough money. The fear of starting over. That's the price of studying to learn a profession or trade, and then working for money. Most people become a slave to money...and then get angry at their boss."
- An excerpt from Robert T. Kiyosaki's, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad"
"See I believe in money, power, and respect. First you get the money. Then you get the mothafuckin' power. After you get the fuckin' power, mothafuckas will respect you."
- The LOX ft. Lil Kim & DMX - "Money, Power, Respect"
"The Japanese were aware of three powers. The power of the sword, the power of the jewel, and the power of the mirror. The sword symbolizes the power of weapons and represents strength. The jewel symbolizes the power of money and its control over others. However the mirror symbolizes the power of self-knowledge. According to the legend, this self knowledge was the most treasured of the three."
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
13 April 2005
RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"
RAW Choice Cut2: My Chemical Romance - "Helena"
That's a first. Why the two different song choices? Well I guess it more so depends on what my mindset is when I finish this thing. The former has been my "feel good, cheer up, the world is full of potential" song as of late, and the latter has been my hymn when even the brightest days are covered with a cloud of gloom and sadness. Neither one is the most cheerful of songs, but they manage to keep me straddled on that fence between perseverance and crumpling up.
"Night is falling. I'm lying awake. I can feel myself fading away..." - Bruce Springstein
Vampiric. Nocturnal. Many words describe how I feel now. I fear nothing. I roam the streets at night searching. For youth. For warmth. For feeling. Frequently, I come up empty and return home wondering when this will all end. And the few, short hours I do get to enjoy the warmth of the sun is bittersweet. Many times the rays of the sun blind my eyes through my windshield, but this pain brings me joy. It's amazing how much you enjoy the stuff you took for granted when they're no longer offered to you on a normal basis. Every day in the sun is like my own personal telling of the story of Persephone. Everything is happy and right with the world, but sooner than later, I fall back into the darkness and blistering cold.
"God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down..." - Kanye West
During one of my days away from the Underworld, I took a moment to clean my car. It needed it. It looked about as rough as I feel. I got a chance to clean it up real good. Not as good as I did for Valentine's '04 (which is arguably the best my car has looked EVER), but pretty damn good. Anyhow, I had a mix CD in as I cleaned. The normal radio fare of whatever was popular during late summer/early fall '04. Anyways, Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" came on and it made me think about my Rosary. I had misplaced it months ago. I've lost it before and every time it's come back to me. However, this time I felt as if I had lost it for good. The last time I remember having it on me was during one of Piddy's strip club forays. It might as well been lost in the fiery pits of hell. I had gotten used to not having it, but it felt as if something was missing. Guess that tends to happen when something you toted for the better part of a decade is no longer in your possession.
One morning after work (only night shifters can type that) I had this urge to find it. I tore my room up looking for a Rosary. I wanted to find my red one, but if I could have found my blue or black ones that I carried in high school, that would have been fine too. No luck. Well, fast forward back a few days to the car cleaning. Just as Kanye's anthem was getting into full swing (second verse), I started to clean underneath my driver's seat. Found the normal: loose change, Sonic mints, pencils, etc. As I was tossing all this mess into the garbage bag, I happened to see a set of red beads. Come to find out, the Rosary that I was searching for was closer than I ever imagined. It was a rather spiritual moment. Dunno if it was the song that happened to be playing in the background. Or the fact that I was randomly looking for it just a few days prior. Or the fact that as I finished untangling it form its 'normal' state (my keys usually tangle it up in my pocket) the song ended. Either way, it was a definite ray of sunshine - and since I'm surrounded my darkness most of the time - twas rather comforting.
"And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you. I need you. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Now don't be sad...cause two out of three ain't bad."
- Meatloaf
The flame of true love burns bright. But sometimes events happen that diminish the din from that fire. Time. Distance. Personal changes. But occasionally a wind will come in that blows just right. This wind brings with it memories of joy and happiness. This wind carries the smell of her hair in the air. This wind blows hard enough to rekindle the flame, but soft enough to make the embers dance in the night sky. But eventually, that nighttime breeze fades, and all this left is the fire and the light it shines on your soul. The light that illuminates the fragile heart that's been burned by the same fire in the past. While time may heal all wounds, the memory remains...
"Come whatever, we will still be friends forever." - Vitamin C
I really miss my friends. Sometimes you can't tell by my actions (I'm a loner by default - I like people, but its never been a NEED on my list), but I do. I got to talk to Michele about three weeks ago on the phone and it was great. We usually miss each other because of this whole day/night thing, but when we do get to talk it was like nothing had changed. Not too long before that I happened to have a three-day weekend the same weekend Denny was in town for a visit. We caught a bite to eat at Chili's and reminisced about good times had and caught up on what's going on in our lives now. We also decided that that night I got kicked (thrown) out of Overtime for wanting to kick Denny's ass is officially Denny-Polk IV. Since Denny was the one who did not get "escorted" out by three big guys in black shirts, I'd declare him the winner. The overall record is 2-2, with Denny taking Junior and Senior year, and Freshman and Sophomore year going to myself. I also got a chance to catch up with Cecil. I was supposed to eat lunch with him too, but thanks to the hellarific schedule I work, that didn't happen. I'm still upset about that one, but it happens sometimes. Not like I'm not going to not catch up with him (you - because we all know LilCease loves the RAW columns). This man works for a company that presents the NCAA Final Four Tournament in HDTV. He's going to be rich. Plus I have his clothes. He might want them back.
"Longing for what used to be. Still it's hard. Hard to see. Fragile lives. Shattered dreams."
- Offspring
Being an American is funny. On one hand I'm all Pro-American. Most of the time we're right, and when we're not right, we'll just change history to make it look that way. American rights and privileges should be available to all citizens. If you're not a citizen, become one and all is right. But at the same time, I'm one of the biggest softies around. I've told stories about Jesus and his wife (if you don't remember, I think its about 4 RAW columns back), well the other night I got to visit their home. Jesus wanted me to see his daughter so I swung by for a spell after work. All I have to say is wow. You could tell that Jesus and his family worked very hard to get where they're at, yet remained true to their roots. It was quite cool, sitting around drinking beer, looking at family pictures, them telling me stories, me telling stories, playing some FIFA (there Piddy, that answers your question as to who buys these games. EA realizes the size of the Hispanic audience and caters to them quite well), and playing with the kids. (The trip also helped with my Spanish since Alejandra does not speak English and I hate for people to feel left out of a conversation, but that's another story for another time) But as much fun as I had (I'll have to show ya'll the pics when I get my hands on them), the whole thing was bittersweet in that I knew that Jesus and his wife, Alejandra, along with Marlen (one of my former Team Leaders) and her husband Victor, and Victor's brother are all on the list to be let go. Why? Not for performance or attendance, but for invalid Social Security Numbers. Now I know, they're just as wrong for using bad numbers as the company is for knowingly letting them work there for 3 years without doing anything, but it still sucks. America is the land of opportunity, but like with everything, that window of opportunity doesn't remain open long.
Closing Thoughts: "So long and good night"
"Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright." - Modest Mouse
Laughter is good for the soul. It keeps you young.
Smiling is good for the heart. It reminds you that not all is lost.
"Nothing lasts forever. Even cold November Rain." - Guns N' Roses
The rain doesn't last forever. If you ride out the storm, you're promised a rainbow.
"Maybe all my misery, it would be well spent here." - Angie Aparo
Visit Angie Aparo's website. www.angieaparo.com He's redone it. Sure, you can't listen to all the tracks off "The American" like before, the moving version of "Cry" more than makes up for it.
"The race is long. And in the end, it's only with yourself." - Baz Luhrmann
RAW Choice Cut2: My Chemical Romance - "Helena"
That's a first. Why the two different song choices? Well I guess it more so depends on what my mindset is when I finish this thing. The former has been my "feel good, cheer up, the world is full of potential" song as of late, and the latter has been my hymn when even the brightest days are covered with a cloud of gloom and sadness. Neither one is the most cheerful of songs, but they manage to keep me straddled on that fence between perseverance and crumpling up.
"Night is falling. I'm lying awake. I can feel myself fading away..." - Bruce Springstein
Vampiric. Nocturnal. Many words describe how I feel now. I fear nothing. I roam the streets at night searching. For youth. For warmth. For feeling. Frequently, I come up empty and return home wondering when this will all end. And the few, short hours I do get to enjoy the warmth of the sun is bittersweet. Many times the rays of the sun blind my eyes through my windshield, but this pain brings me joy. It's amazing how much you enjoy the stuff you took for granted when they're no longer offered to you on a normal basis. Every day in the sun is like my own personal telling of the story of Persephone. Everything is happy and right with the world, but sooner than later, I fall back into the darkness and blistering cold.
"God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down..." - Kanye West
During one of my days away from the Underworld, I took a moment to clean my car. It needed it. It looked about as rough as I feel. I got a chance to clean it up real good. Not as good as I did for Valentine's '04 (which is arguably the best my car has looked EVER), but pretty damn good. Anyhow, I had a mix CD in as I cleaned. The normal radio fare of whatever was popular during late summer/early fall '04. Anyways, Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" came on and it made me think about my Rosary. I had misplaced it months ago. I've lost it before and every time it's come back to me. However, this time I felt as if I had lost it for good. The last time I remember having it on me was during one of Piddy's strip club forays. It might as well been lost in the fiery pits of hell. I had gotten used to not having it, but it felt as if something was missing. Guess that tends to happen when something you toted for the better part of a decade is no longer in your possession.
One morning after work (only night shifters can type that) I had this urge to find it. I tore my room up looking for a Rosary. I wanted to find my red one, but if I could have found my blue or black ones that I carried in high school, that would have been fine too. No luck. Well, fast forward back a few days to the car cleaning. Just as Kanye's anthem was getting into full swing (second verse), I started to clean underneath my driver's seat. Found the normal: loose change, Sonic mints, pencils, etc. As I was tossing all this mess into the garbage bag, I happened to see a set of red beads. Come to find out, the Rosary that I was searching for was closer than I ever imagined. It was a rather spiritual moment. Dunno if it was the song that happened to be playing in the background. Or the fact that I was randomly looking for it just a few days prior. Or the fact that as I finished untangling it form its 'normal' state (my keys usually tangle it up in my pocket) the song ended. Either way, it was a definite ray of sunshine - and since I'm surrounded my darkness most of the time - twas rather comforting.
"And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you. I need you. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Now don't be sad...cause two out of three ain't bad."
- Meatloaf
The flame of true love burns bright. But sometimes events happen that diminish the din from that fire. Time. Distance. Personal changes. But occasionally a wind will come in that blows just right. This wind brings with it memories of joy and happiness. This wind carries the smell of her hair in the air. This wind blows hard enough to rekindle the flame, but soft enough to make the embers dance in the night sky. But eventually, that nighttime breeze fades, and all this left is the fire and the light it shines on your soul. The light that illuminates the fragile heart that's been burned by the same fire in the past. While time may heal all wounds, the memory remains...
"Come whatever, we will still be friends forever." - Vitamin C
I really miss my friends. Sometimes you can't tell by my actions (I'm a loner by default - I like people, but its never been a NEED on my list), but I do. I got to talk to Michele about three weeks ago on the phone and it was great. We usually miss each other because of this whole day/night thing, but when we do get to talk it was like nothing had changed. Not too long before that I happened to have a three-day weekend the same weekend Denny was in town for a visit. We caught a bite to eat at Chili's and reminisced about good times had and caught up on what's going on in our lives now. We also decided that that night I got kicked (thrown) out of Overtime for wanting to kick Denny's ass is officially Denny-Polk IV. Since Denny was the one who did not get "escorted" out by three big guys in black shirts, I'd declare him the winner. The overall record is 2-2, with Denny taking Junior and Senior year, and Freshman and Sophomore year going to myself. I also got a chance to catch up with Cecil. I was supposed to eat lunch with him too, but thanks to the hellarific schedule I work, that didn't happen. I'm still upset about that one, but it happens sometimes. Not like I'm not going to not catch up with him (you - because we all know LilCease loves the RAW columns). This man works for a company that presents the NCAA Final Four Tournament in HDTV. He's going to be rich. Plus I have his clothes. He might want them back.
"Longing for what used to be. Still it's hard. Hard to see. Fragile lives. Shattered dreams."
- Offspring
Being an American is funny. On one hand I'm all Pro-American. Most of the time we're right, and when we're not right, we'll just change history to make it look that way. American rights and privileges should be available to all citizens. If you're not a citizen, become one and all is right. But at the same time, I'm one of the biggest softies around. I've told stories about Jesus and his wife (if you don't remember, I think its about 4 RAW columns back), well the other night I got to visit their home. Jesus wanted me to see his daughter so I swung by for a spell after work. All I have to say is wow. You could tell that Jesus and his family worked very hard to get where they're at, yet remained true to their roots. It was quite cool, sitting around drinking beer, looking at family pictures, them telling me stories, me telling stories, playing some FIFA (there Piddy, that answers your question as to who buys these games. EA realizes the size of the Hispanic audience and caters to them quite well), and playing with the kids. (The trip also helped with my Spanish since Alejandra does not speak English and I hate for people to feel left out of a conversation, but that's another story for another time) But as much fun as I had (I'll have to show ya'll the pics when I get my hands on them), the whole thing was bittersweet in that I knew that Jesus and his wife, Alejandra, along with Marlen (one of my former Team Leaders) and her husband Victor, and Victor's brother are all on the list to be let go. Why? Not for performance or attendance, but for invalid Social Security Numbers. Now I know, they're just as wrong for using bad numbers as the company is for knowingly letting them work there for 3 years without doing anything, but it still sucks. America is the land of opportunity, but like with everything, that window of opportunity doesn't remain open long.
Closing Thoughts: "So long and good night"
"Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright." - Modest Mouse
Laughter is good for the soul. It keeps you young.
Smiling is good for the heart. It reminds you that not all is lost.
"Nothing lasts forever. Even cold November Rain." - Guns N' Roses
The rain doesn't last forever. If you ride out the storm, you're promised a rainbow.
"Maybe all my misery, it would be well spent here." - Angie Aparo
Visit Angie Aparo's website. www.angieaparo.com He's redone it. Sure, you can't listen to all the tracks off "The American" like before, the moving version of "Cry" more than makes up for it.
"The race is long. And in the end, it's only with yourself." - Baz Luhrmann
Monday, February 07, 2005
7 February 2005
RAW Choice Cut: R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"
"Oh no, I said too much. I haven't said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you cry. But that was just a dream…"
Life's weird sometimes….
"I send the pain below, I send the pain below. Much like suffocating." - Chevelle
There's days at work when I sit back and go, "Yeah, I definitely should have zigged instead of zagging." I give up a lot of things for my job. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to watch Monday Night Raw. Time to sleep. Time to be young. This wouldn't be that bad if I liked my job, but I don't. And I gave up all of this for what? A little cash. Okay, actually a good bit of cash. And while I would love to quit every day I step foot in that God forsaken place, I realize that quitting to get the one thing I desire the most would at the same time take away the one thing I need the most - time. While I would love to be able to have time to go on a Friday and/or Saturday night like most twentysomethings, I realize that I need at least a year's worth of time on my resume. So every day I fight. I fight through the cold. I fight through only being able to communicate with 90% of my employees either through an interpreter or by my broken Spanish. I fight through the 11 to 12 hour nights. I fight through the dumb decisions made by upper management. I fight through the hour-long drive to work and the hour-long drive from work. All for what? That little bit of time. That extra ounce of experience. Time and experience that come summer time will put hopefully put me above every other college graduate. As for now, I continue to pay my dues - sighing heavily as I go.
"30 minutes to make up my mind. 30 minutes to finally decide…" - t.A.T.u.
Speaking of college graduates, I recently went to Clemson and dropped by the MBA office. While in there, I managed to snag a quick interview with the Associate Director of the MBA Program, Martha Duke. Quite possibly one of the best conversations I've had in a while with anyone about my future. We sat and discussed different avenues I could take down the road called life. At the end of our little talk, I came to a conclusion - go back to Plan A. For those who don't know about Plan A, I summed it up nicely in RAW 12:
"Biggest issue at un momento - NOT finding a career. I tend to forget this sometimes and I wind up getting myself all worked up about still not having a job. I can take some solace in the fact that no one else (minus Cecil - congrats) has found a job (misery loves company - tight job market will do that), but I'm not looking for something long term. All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA."
The last part of Plan A was left out, in that after two years of time somewhere had passed, I would go get my MBA, part-time, preferably at my employer's expense. Somehow I managed to get panicked and lose sight of that goal. Plan B of going to get my MBA full time only surfaced around October when I thought the only way to end this madness was just stop completely, get my MBA while coming up with a new game plan, then try again. After discussing some things with Ms. Duke, we decided three things would be best for me.
1) Getting a new job. Preferably one with reasonable hours. As she put it "slave labor" should not be part of any job. And also one that I like. She noticed that I have an aura about me that I'm "capable of doing anything" and that "just because you can do something, does not mean you're going to like doing it."
2) Waiting a while before pursuing my MBA. We both discussed how the MBA is more of a specialized tool set and not just a typical Master's Degree (this I knew). It might be in my best interest to wait a while, try out some different jobs if necessary, find one that I like, then tailor my MBA around that.
3) Enjoy youth. "21 year olds should be more concerned about how many credit hours they have until graduation, not how many 60+ hour weeks they can work before their body gives in - unless they're in Investment Banking, then that's typical *grownuplaugh*." The woman has a point…
"No one should take themselves so seriously, with many years ahead to fall in line"
- blink 182
One last work note, then I'll ramble on about something else. The other night at work I had plans to go out. Luckily Columbia, doesn't close until 4am and I knew that if I could manage to get everyone out by 1:30am I would have a chance at getting out by 2am to at least have some fun. Well I didn't, and as 2:30am rolled around, I walked into "my" office, sat down in my chair, and said, "Well, I guess I might as well sit down. I'm not going out anywhere tonight. No need to stress myself out about it." This older guy named Gerald was in the office and heard me say that. His reply, "That's a sign of maturity. To know when to just deal with the hand you're dealt." Great, I'm growing up. Lovely.
"Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you." - Arrested Development
Compassion. Something that a lot of us lack most of the time. In December I came across a bum. I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he asked if I could spare any change so he could grab a bite to eat. At first I blew him off, and went about enjoying my night out. At the end of the night, after the bars were closed, and everyone was leaving Five Points, I saw the same guy sitting beside the fountains. He looked sad and even hungrier than he did before. It's easy to pay people who are down on their luck no attention when hundreds of others are doing the same, but it's a little bit harder when it's just them all by their lonesome. Before I got in my car to head off to McDonald's for that 4:30am sausage biscuit, I walked over to this guy and handed him $2 that was left over from me breaking a $20 at the bar earlier in the night. I don't know if it was the Christmas spirit or because the saying "What you do to the least of your brothers you do to me" was ringing through my head. But either way, I couldn't go home with $2 that would have most likely wound up in some random girl's g-string while this guy was hungry. He thanked me for those $2 and was excited that I kept my word (see EAP Post Grad 5) - to me that was better than any cheap thrill some stripper could have provided.
"There's no way but up from here." - Shania Twain
Recently, I was moving furniture around the house and I had to move my trophy case. Technically, it's the hutch for my dresser, but I use the shelves and framework for a display for all my achievements. Anyways, as I was rearranging my trophies, plaques, and medals I realized something - my Clemson diploma and honor stole (T_P: STILL the most worthless use of $75 EVER. I would have much rather worn the WCW Championship Belt) were not a part of this. For some reason I kept them separate from the rest of my memories and achievements; like I was expecting something more. I picked it up, blew the dust of it then put it along side my Lakewood diploma. At that moment I felt something. No, not the stunning beauty you get when you put Forest Green beside Royal Purple - but the same feeling I got around this time four years ago. That feeling of "well, this is behind me, let's see that trouble I can get into now." It's almost an uncanny parallel too. After leaving high school, that first semester was rough, but around Jan/Feb I got the hang of things, then great things happened. Right now, I don't think life could have been any rougher than this past "semester." But now, things are slowly starting to turn around and the big picture is coming into perspective. Here's to hoping things turn out as rosy as they did before.
"Oh no, I said too much. I haven't said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you cry. But that was just a dream…"
Life's weird sometimes….
"I send the pain below, I send the pain below. Much like suffocating." - Chevelle
There's days at work when I sit back and go, "Yeah, I definitely should have zigged instead of zagging." I give up a lot of things for my job. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to watch Monday Night Raw. Time to sleep. Time to be young. This wouldn't be that bad if I liked my job, but I don't. And I gave up all of this for what? A little cash. Okay, actually a good bit of cash. And while I would love to quit every day I step foot in that God forsaken place, I realize that quitting to get the one thing I desire the most would at the same time take away the one thing I need the most - time. While I would love to be able to have time to go on a Friday and/or Saturday night like most twentysomethings, I realize that I need at least a year's worth of time on my resume. So every day I fight. I fight through the cold. I fight through only being able to communicate with 90% of my employees either through an interpreter or by my broken Spanish. I fight through the 11 to 12 hour nights. I fight through the dumb decisions made by upper management. I fight through the hour-long drive to work and the hour-long drive from work. All for what? That little bit of time. That extra ounce of experience. Time and experience that come summer time will put hopefully put me above every other college graduate. As for now, I continue to pay my dues - sighing heavily as I go.
"30 minutes to make up my mind. 30 minutes to finally decide…" - t.A.T.u.
Speaking of college graduates, I recently went to Clemson and dropped by the MBA office. While in there, I managed to snag a quick interview with the Associate Director of the MBA Program, Martha Duke. Quite possibly one of the best conversations I've had in a while with anyone about my future. We sat and discussed different avenues I could take down the road called life. At the end of our little talk, I came to a conclusion - go back to Plan A. For those who don't know about Plan A, I summed it up nicely in RAW 12:
"Biggest issue at un momento - NOT finding a career. I tend to forget this sometimes and I wind up getting myself all worked up about still not having a job. I can take some solace in the fact that no one else (minus Cecil - congrats) has found a job (misery loves company - tight job market will do that), but I'm not looking for something long term. All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA."
The last part of Plan A was left out, in that after two years of time somewhere had passed, I would go get my MBA, part-time, preferably at my employer's expense. Somehow I managed to get panicked and lose sight of that goal. Plan B of going to get my MBA full time only surfaced around October when I thought the only way to end this madness was just stop completely, get my MBA while coming up with a new game plan, then try again. After discussing some things with Ms. Duke, we decided three things would be best for me.
1) Getting a new job. Preferably one with reasonable hours. As she put it "slave labor" should not be part of any job. And also one that I like. She noticed that I have an aura about me that I'm "capable of doing anything" and that "just because you can do something, does not mean you're going to like doing it."
2) Waiting a while before pursuing my MBA. We both discussed how the MBA is more of a specialized tool set and not just a typical Master's Degree (this I knew). It might be in my best interest to wait a while, try out some different jobs if necessary, find one that I like, then tailor my MBA around that.
3) Enjoy youth. "21 year olds should be more concerned about how many credit hours they have until graduation, not how many 60+ hour weeks they can work before their body gives in - unless they're in Investment Banking, then that's typical *grownuplaugh*." The woman has a point…
"No one should take themselves so seriously, with many years ahead to fall in line"
- blink 182
One last work note, then I'll ramble on about something else. The other night at work I had plans to go out. Luckily Columbia, doesn't close until 4am and I knew that if I could manage to get everyone out by 1:30am I would have a chance at getting out by 2am to at least have some fun. Well I didn't, and as 2:30am rolled around, I walked into "my" office, sat down in my chair, and said, "Well, I guess I might as well sit down. I'm not going out anywhere tonight. No need to stress myself out about it." This older guy named Gerald was in the office and heard me say that. His reply, "That's a sign of maturity. To know when to just deal with the hand you're dealt." Great, I'm growing up. Lovely.
"Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you." - Arrested Development
Compassion. Something that a lot of us lack most of the time. In December I came across a bum. I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he asked if I could spare any change so he could grab a bite to eat. At first I blew him off, and went about enjoying my night out. At the end of the night, after the bars were closed, and everyone was leaving Five Points, I saw the same guy sitting beside the fountains. He looked sad and even hungrier than he did before. It's easy to pay people who are down on their luck no attention when hundreds of others are doing the same, but it's a little bit harder when it's just them all by their lonesome. Before I got in my car to head off to McDonald's for that 4:30am sausage biscuit, I walked over to this guy and handed him $2 that was left over from me breaking a $20 at the bar earlier in the night. I don't know if it was the Christmas spirit or because the saying "What you do to the least of your brothers you do to me" was ringing through my head. But either way, I couldn't go home with $2 that would have most likely wound up in some random girl's g-string while this guy was hungry. He thanked me for those $2 and was excited that I kept my word (see EAP Post Grad 5) - to me that was better than any cheap thrill some stripper could have provided.
"There's no way but up from here." - Shania Twain
Recently, I was moving furniture around the house and I had to move my trophy case. Technically, it's the hutch for my dresser, but I use the shelves and framework for a display for all my achievements. Anyways, as I was rearranging my trophies, plaques, and medals I realized something - my Clemson diploma and honor stole (T_P: STILL the most worthless use of $75 EVER. I would have much rather worn the WCW Championship Belt) were not a part of this. For some reason I kept them separate from the rest of my memories and achievements; like I was expecting something more. I picked it up, blew the dust of it then put it along side my Lakewood diploma. At that moment I felt something. No, not the stunning beauty you get when you put Forest Green beside Royal Purple - but the same feeling I got around this time four years ago. That feeling of "well, this is behind me, let's see that trouble I can get into now." It's almost an uncanny parallel too. After leaving high school, that first semester was rough, but around Jan/Feb I got the hang of things, then great things happened. Right now, I don't think life could have been any rougher than this past "semester." But now, things are slowly starting to turn around and the big picture is coming into perspective. Here's to hoping things turn out as rosy as they did before.
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