Resurrection is the new Beautification?

There are times I wish I was my old self. Not a shell or a character I use to play "anti-Piddy." But the me that I was a long time ago. A self-centered, conceited, selfish individual. I display flashes of that sporadically, but generally I keep that part of me locked up. And when I don't it has emoTerence and Piddy to get through first. But I think that if I could manage to just revert to that "person," even if just for a few weeks at a time, I'd have a bit more "forward progress." Not necessarily saying life would be better -- just more productive.

Do I think I can drag that side of me back to the forefront? Given some ideal time and the right surroundings, its quite possible. It's all mental anyways. In the next few months, I'll have the time (everyone's who's unemployed raise their hands), the surroundings (an MBA progam is like getting a degree in Advance Selfishness), and the capacity to give it a shot.

*shrugs* Who knows. It could be me just thinking too hard or it could be me planning for a resurrection that shouldn't occur. We'll have to watch where this goes...

"What you believe to be real becomes your reality."
- Robert Kiyosaki

T Minus...

I remember the last time I put in my two week notice. In leaving Carolina Culinary I could barely contain myself as I told them "I've decided to pursue other endeavors." It was a great day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and there were white women dancing all around with flowers in their hair.

This time it was a little different. I didn't want to leave and neither did my coworkers. But we all knew it was coming and it was just a matter of time. This time there wasn't really a smile in the process. I really enjoy(ed) working at Progressive (most of the time) and it kind of sucks that I can't "take my job with me" to the Upstate, but those are the breaks sometimes.

As for now, I'm just going to enjoy my time in the office while I'm can. Easily the best group of people I've ever had the privilege to work with (sans Orientation Ambassadors) and I'm gonna miss the good times and conversations we've had but oh well. When its time to go, its time to go. I got to look out for me first -- no one else will.

"The best cure for laziness is a little bit of greed."

22 November 2006

Sure, I boxed up the RAW column a few months ago, but I still need some space every now and then to be a little emo/overlythoughtful/emotional. This is one of those spaces.

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more..."
- The Cure
So I'm talking with a friend of mine, one who should be quite obvious to those who know me (when else do I use "Pictures of You" for anything?), and we're catching up a bit. Our normal 2 month conversation if you will. Anyways, we're talking and she mentions that she's terribly lonely where she's at now. All her friends have either moved away or are part of serious relationships now and that she's almost contemplating moving back down south. Part of me is giddy at just the thought of that while another part of me is looking for a steel chair to beat some sense into the other part.

"Don't say that later will be better. Now your stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it."
- U2
Slowly, little by little, I'm started to get excited about school. Notsomuch about school itself, but the impending change that'll bring. While I may have mentioned that I was stuck in a routine, it really was more of rut. Now I can see a little clearing for change. It should be fun with lots of interesting people, things, and events. And best of all, I get to move out. I love the folks, but 2.5 years was WAY too long to be here. Thankfully, the first year and some change was spent working at night so I wasn't really around anyways.

"You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways."
- The Killers
The double take. Sometimes its a trap. Sometimes its a moment of rationalization. Either way going back and revisiting something you abruptly brushed off a first time is good for the mind. It helps you sleep easier knowing that you gave something a fair shake instead of stacking it up to past events. Sometimes you were right in your first assessment and you walk away leaving things as they were before. Other times you miss something you overlooked the first time. Might be something small, might be something glaringly obvious. Either way it does cause you to re-evaluate everything.

"Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm."
- Depeche Mode
I enjoy the silence sometimes. No one says you have to be feeling something at all times. No one says you have to speak. A comfortable silence is quite refreshing.

"Smile like you mean it."
- The Killers
A smile. So simple, so telling. An pure one says more than any amount of fake words ever could.

"...I would miss all the places and people I love, so although I may go, I'll be coming home soon."
- Ernie
Going back to the topic of family, its amazing how much you undervalue them sometime. Sure you may fight with them occassionally (or all the time in some cases), but generally speaking they'll be the one group of people you can always count to be around.

"I'm choosing my confessions."
- R.E.M.
I wrote somewhere, whether it was an away message or a BlogMix/Cinco/Souled Out/RAW post about making space in life. I wasn't sure what I was making space for, but it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm still not completely sure why I decided that, but looking down the road 4-6 months I can see a lot of things lining themselves out.

Break Out The Party Hats

Well everything's official now. Not that it wasn't before, but its good to have all this stuff in writing. Just a few observations/notes from reading through all this paperwork...

• Seeing as how all this stuff has a postmark date of November 16, 2005, they could have saved $1.26 in postage by just handing me all of this in person as I was up there on the 16th anyways.
• The envelope that says CONGRATULATIONS on it definitely takes away some of the surprise. And what happens if I wasn't accepted? Just kick me while I'm down why don'tcha?
• Surprisingly my student ID number remained the same. However, my email address did not. My first four years at Clemson blessed me with pterenc@clemson.edu. Lovely. Now for the return trip, I get terencp@clemson.edu. Better, but would it have been that much trouble to give me the last E in my name? Or even better yet, how about the email address I had while I was an Ambassador -- tpolk@clemson.edu -- the one I never used.
  
• I tested/coursed out of the first 11 hours of the program. Highly beneficial in that it saves me a ton of money. Notso beneficial in that I'm pretty sure I've forgotten whatever it is I tested/coursed out of in the past two and a half years.
• And the most important piece of information -- classes start January 8. That gives me about 6 weeks to find employment or housing. I just need one or the other at the moment. I think I can wing it for a little bit until I get all of my ducks in a row...

As a bonus to all of my readers, which might be 6 people, you guys should feel special. Mom definitely didn't even know I had applied to grad school let alone got accepted until sometime late Sunday night. Apparently I forgot to tell her a week ago. Whoops.

The Answer Brings More Questions

Terence,
We got the second recommendation from Amanda Rials - thank you! I processed your application this afternoon and recommended an acceptance to the Graduate School. You should receive your official letter of acceptance in a week or so. Thanks for your help.
- Martha.

Two and a half years. It's been a while coming. The rest of life will sort itself accordingly.

Routine: Pessimism - Part II of II

"With all this happening, I can truthfully say I don't want to go anywhere. And why should I? I'm making good money, great hours, and an awesome work environment. Life is good. But that's where the issues comes in...

Do I lay back on what I want? Trading in the lovely upstate region of SC for the Pee Dee was not what I had planned...
Do I postpone grad school? Do I not go at all?
Do I quit? Do I stay? Do I hope and pray that a position opens up in Greenville and that my manager is gracious enough to release me?

I don't know. No clue at all."
- Souled Out, October 18, 2006

This is where it stops being fun. I'm at the point where I've already made my decisions. And they're the same decisions I've made before. No change in plans - Clemson MBA, living in the Upstate SC area. I think where the nervousness comes in is the change that comes with it.

I like my job and my paycheck (which allows me to pay for my car and do whatever else I please). Its just the uncertainty that comes w/ not having either of those (maybe) that bothers me.

It'll pass.

The Perfect Ending

"...This is just a plot twist. That means things always have to go wrong once before you get to the happy ending."
- Viewtiful Joe

Oh, I couldn't have phrased it better myself.

Just when I was all set to leave Progressive (and the Pee Dee), things up and get screwy on me. For the sake of space, let's recap the chain of events from the past year...

June 05 - Quitting CCF / Starting with AXA Financial "full-time"
June-Nov 05 - Jumping through hoops and doing the song and dance routine for AXA. Why? I was promised a spot in the Greenville territory
Nov 05 - Tired of jumping through hoops (and not being paid), I take a job with Progressive in Florence, just in time for Christmas.

At this point I think to myself, "Sure, you have no desire to live in Florence. But we'll tolerate it for 6 months, then transfer to the Greenville office." I'm sure I even wrote that down somewhere, but I'm not up for digging through the EAP's archives. What follows next is completely unexpected...

Dec 05/Jan 06 - 2 full expenses paid trips to Cleveland. Sure Cleveland sucks, but I'd never been before. And I met great people and had an awesome time. Plus Progressive also footed the bill for trips to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the NFL Hall of Fame, a Nintendo DS, and courtside tickets to Nuggets v. Cavaliers.
Feb 06 - Full expense trip to Charlotte. Sure, its just Charlotte, but hey I'll take it.

Somewhere in there, I started to enjoy my 0ffice. 5 awesome coworkers a pretty fair manager and decent hours. 4 of my coworkers left...

Apr 06 - Aug 06 - You ever try handing insurance claims for the ENTIRE Pee Dee area during the summer with just one other person? Believe me, it wasn't fun. I think that if it weren't for the "character" I built while at CCF, I would have left during all of this. But since then business has picked up...

• I've been rewarded handsomely TWICE for all the shit we had to put up with during the summer.
• We've gotten 2 new people in the office who are more than awesome. Talk about a great work environment.
• I've finally gotten the hours I want. 10am-7pm. I can stay up late and sleep in. This also came with a 5% raise.
• Somewhere in all that mess during the summer I qualified for my Casualty and Property Damage certifications. Which each came with a 2.5%. (For those keeping track, that's a 10% raise, and no I haven't had my yearly review yet -- which comes with another raise)
• The company is doing well and my Gainshare (8% of my annual salary * whatever our profit multiplier is) should be quite nice.

With all this happening, I can truthfully say I don't want to go anywhere. And why should I? I'm making good money, great hours, and an aweseome work environment. Life is good. But that's where the issues comes in...

Do I lay back on what I want? Trading in the lovely upstate region of SC for the Pee Dee was not what I had planned...
Do I postpone grad school? Do I not go at all?
Do I quit? Do I stay? Do I hope and pray that a position opens up in Greenville and that my manager is gracious enough to release me?

I don't know. No clue at all.

All I can do is hedge my bets.

USC's Moore School of Business gets and MBA Application along with Clemson...
Hopefully a position opens up in Greenville. If not, I'll take Columbia....

Lots of questions with no answers. I do know one thing, no final decisions will be made until after I know what my grad school status is. Once I find out where I can go, I'll concern myself with where I need to be. In the meantime, I'll just concern myself with whether or not Clemson can win the ACC and making sure my car payment is in on time.


Life's too short to worry.


there's always a plot twist before you get to the happy ending

Forward Progress...Kinda

So I still haven't completed my Clemson grad school application.

I'm a little disappointed in myself, but I'm not upset at all. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, my procrastination won't severely effect my future.

Everything needed for the application packet shy of the proof of residency form and mailing a hard copy of my GMAT scores can be done online. Letters of recommendation, paying the application fee, the whole shebang.

And for that I'm happy. Sure I wanted it in by the 29th of September, but if I can get it all submitted by the end of the week, I'll be happy.

Roll The Dice: Retraction

"watch you mouth. hold your tongue. some things are better left unsaid..."
- Juliana Theory

Not yet.

21 Grams - 9.25.06 - Success

During my time with AXA, they tried their fair share of brain washing techniques. Obviously they didn't work as I'm no longer there, but one of the things they gave me was a small pamphelt entitled, "The Common Denominator of Success." While heavy on the brainwashing, it did carry one fundamental message that I feel, at this point in my life, I need to take to heart.

"...But this common denominator of success is so big, so powerful, and so vitally important to your future and mine that I'm not going to make a speech about it. I'm just going to "lay it on the line" in words of one syllable, so simple that everyone can understand them.

The common denominator of success -- the secret of success of every man who has ever been successful -- lies in the fact that he formed the habit of doing things that failures don't like to do."

So true. I remember reading it the first time and thinking, "that used to be me." And as I read it for a second time, I think once more, "that used to me."

Now its time for me to say, "That's me."

21 Grams - 9.13.06

It is our mind, and that alone, that chains us or sets us free.

Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche


The abiliity the poison or feed your own mind is one that all of us possess, yet few are able to achieve.

Forward Progress

So I can feel like I'm actually making progress...

==============================================
To be considered for admission, applicants must submit a complete application package consisting of the following:

1. A copy of your current resumé.
* 2 years of work experience are required for the Career Accelerator (off-campus, evening) program.
* For the Career Launch (full-time, on-campus) program non-business undergraduate majors are preferred. If you have a business undergraduate degree some work experience is required.

Status: Complete

2. Two official transcripts of all college-level work. International applicants must include official copies of transcripts in both their native language and in English. Clemson University graduates do not need to submit official transcripts of their undergraduate work. For consideration, you must have earned a bachelor's degree, or its equivalent, from an accredited college or university.

Status: Complete

3. Two letters of recommendation. These can be in either letter form or submitted using the recommendation form available at: http://www.grad.clemson.edu/f_grad.html (select the desired format, MS Word or PDF, of the GSL-1 form, "Recommendation Form for Admission")

Status: Not Complete

4. A 1 - 2 page Statement of Purpose on why you want an MBA (Career Launch program only).

Status: Not Applicable

5. Official GMAT scores. To facilitate application processing, please include a copy of your unofficial GMAT scores with your application package. Information about the GMAT is available at http://www.mba.com/mba . Career Accelerator (evening) applicants with acceptable credentials and a cumulative GPA of at least 3.0 may start the foundation courses in a non-degree status prior to completing the GMAT. The program code for the Career Launch (full-time) program is: 504-FJ-40 and for the Career Accelerator (evening) program: 504-FJ-17

Status: Complete

6. An electronic application available at: http://www.grad.clemson.edu/Admission.php (please include a note with your other materials indicating that you submitted an electronic application).

Note: Since we request that the application material be sent directly to the MBA Office, the Graduate School's online application status check may not accurately reflect receipt of these supplemental documents.

Status: Not Complete

7. The non-refundable application fee indicated on the application.

Status: Pending ($50)

8. Proof of South Carolina residency, if applicable, (http://www.grad.clemson.edu/f_general.html select the GS35 form).

Status: Complete

9. Mail application materials to the following:

For the Career Accelerator (Off-Campus, Evening) Program:
Clemson MBA Program
University Center
P.O. Box 5616
225 S. Pleasantburg Drive
Greenville, SC 29606

Status: Not Complete
Due Date: November 1, 2006
Personal Postmark Date Goal: September 29, 2006
==============================================

Everyday puts me a little bit closer...

21 Grams - 9.11.06

"Dan, my father always told me to lift yourself up. If you don't praise yourself, you'll only be waiting on others to do so. When you give others the power to lift you up, you also give them the power to tear them down. So forgive me if I pat myself on the back a little extra for a job well done."
- Michael Irvin on "The Dan Patrick Show"

I love you guys, but I'm good at telling myself "I'm awesome" on a constant basis.

Deja Vu

"The seventeenth of June in the year 2005 will be my last day. As much as I hate(d) my job, I find the ending to be almost bittersweet. I can hear my crew going, "what about us, why are you leaving?" I can hear the managers in the front office going, "Don't leave yet. What about the company? What about your action plans you were implementing?" You know what...

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all."
- May 31, 2005

In a move that's starting to become all too familiar, I'm leaving Progressive.

I'm not sure what day. I'm not sure what time. But I know it'll be soon. Would I like to stay longer? Definitely. Its a great company with awesome benefits and a fantastic set of ideals. Unfortunately, what they need from me and what I want from them aren't going to match up. I need to get to the Upstate office (Greenville), they need warm bodies in the Pee Dee office (Florence). Unless an impass comes through, I highly doubt that come the week of January 8th I'll still be employed for the 3rd largest auto insurer in the country.

Dissappointed? A little. I'd really like to stay for a little resume stability (and for not having the move my 401(k)). But the end will justify the means. A few years back I'll look back and go, "It was fun. But I really needed to move on."

21 Grams - 9.10.06

"When an opponent declares, “I will not come over to your side,” I calmly say, “Your child belongs to us already.... What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.”"
- Adolf Hitler

The foundation of an army begins not in convincing those you know and are well receieved by. It begins by convincing those you have had no interaction with previously...

Letter from the CEO

Abrupt change? Not quite.

A little more than a year ago I gave my "other" alter-ego free reign for a little bit. It was an interesting time in my life. I bought some stocks. I became a little more business saavy. I started caring more about investing in myself and my future than I did my present. Hell, I even tried my hand at becoming a stock broker. It was an interesting time, but a time I'd rather forget at the same time. I felt a tad hollow, as if the only thing I was focused on was money and my best interests. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing with those two things, but having them as a focal point isn't a good way to go about living your life. So somewhere along the line I decided to put up the three piece suits and investment portfolios and go back to having fun and living life as it comes. Sure, I still reached back into my closet of alter-egos and pulled out the dress shoes when necessary (the Beautification had to be financed somehow), but all in all its been fun in the sun for the last 14 months.

Well now I'm ready to move forward. Or at least I think I am. Either way, I don't plan on staying in Sumter or Florence or South Carolina for that matter much longer -- so I've got to start somewhere. Consider this the start.

A blog? Why you may ask (or actually you don't and I'm just having more delusions of grandeur, but that's okay)? Well because I like documenting things. I like knowing where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'm supposed to be at. (And following that logic, I'm supposed to be into my third week of grad school. As you see, I'm not. Anywhoo, that's neither here nor there.) Also, because we all know that I love letting my imagination run wild from me. While I credit the Orientation crew with giving Piddy legs to stand on, he had to start somewhere. And the scary thing is, he started the same place that my Mr. Polk alter-ego did. The only difference between the two is that Piddy's has been given freedom to do as he pleased for the last four years whereas Mr. P has pretty much been locked away since high school (for good reason -- but that'll make itself clear as time goes on). And with that freedom came a voice. Do I really have an issue with Katie Couric? To be honest, I don't know. But considering Piddy has been wanting to decapitate her for the better part of two years, I might. Either way, its definitely a case of what I believed to be real becoming my reality. Which is why I stripped the RAW column away from my "base" personality and handed it over to Mr. Polk. If Piddy could convince me into believing that having a stripper wrap her crotch around my face was a good thing, I'm POSITIVE that I can be convinced into believing that mutual funds and an MBA are nothing but good.

And yeah, I just spent way more time explaining the core of my three faces. That's what I do. I'm not crazy. Yet. But if I manage to accomplish all the goals I have set for myself (and the new ones I plan to set as this blog gets some legs), just do me (and yourself) a favor and pretend this post never existed...

Sincerely,

Mr. Polk

Be Prepared

Now is not a time for thinking. Now is not a time for reminiscing. Now is not a time for wanting. Now is not a time for wearing your heart on your sleeve. Now is not a time to wait on others to make decisions.

It's time for action.

Sam's Town

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he come

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Upset? No. Concerned? No. Confused? A little.

If everything is cool, great. If not, I just simply walk away. No slices across the jugular. No the heart punches. Just a simple about face, never looking back, never cracking a smirk.

But I'll cross that bridge, if necessary, when I get there. For now, I've got bigger things to be concerned about...

They say the devils water it ain’t so sweet
You don’t have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

A Tale of Two Phone Calls

Two different phone calls.
From two people from different points in my life.
One thought process afterwards...

Stream of Consciousness

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"

Just some random things that have been floating around that I'd like to purge so I can move on to other things to wax poetic about.

"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back. And we're waiting on something that will never come." - Straylight Run
So I've decided that I'm going to hate my job. Maybe not to the levels to when I actually hated ("loathed" would be a better word) my job, but enough to where I decide to get up and make a move. I've gotten comfortable there, which is fine because I like it. But if I stay, I'll be stuck there forever. No me gusta. Funny thing is, just as I decide this, they just randomly fork over $500 extra dollars to me. One of those "here, we really appreciate all you've done the past few months" gestures. Damn. I don't like being the bad guy in situations like this.

"Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support. And in return, she'll get my support."
- Depeche Mode
I'm getting really excited about grad school again. I don't know if its because I can see it right over the horizon or because I've got someone outside of my normal circle cheering me on. It feels good to have backup.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation..."
- Lifehouse
"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart."
- The Cure
They say the first cut is the deepest. I believe it. Hell, I've written about it before. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But you know, that second slice is almost as brutal as the first. What am I getting at? Who knows. I think what I want to say is that I'm not sure anymore. You give it your all, no dice. You hold everything back until you burst inside, no dice. Its almost as if I feel as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Scary thing is, I'm not even to the level of love yet -- and here I am having issues expressing "like". I'll be sure to let everyone know when I'm out of middle school.

"I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it, but it to my brain, scream "Die Shady!" and pop it..." - Eminem
With everything going on lately, between work, an impending return to school, and social life, I've noticed I've mellowed out some. I've become a little more patient and a tad more understanding. And dare I say, compromising. Talk about a change
of pace from "me, me, me."

I'd love to have a time machine right now. The next four months should either put a lot of things into place or shake everything up.

"But I'm confused. I'm not sure how to make you happy."
"Don't worry, I'll tell you."
Trust? Patience? Two things I'm slowly adding to my character.

"And at nightime her face lit up, so astound..." - Kanye West
I can smell the upstate air. Just a little while longer.

I think too much. But you know, I like it.

Motivation = Lacking

"Convinced that your critics are watching and you've always got something...you've always got something to prove."
- Straylight Run
If you talk yourself out of something of course it isn't going to work. In times of your greatest fear and your deepest and darkest confusion, the best plan of action is to keep moving forward. Worst case scenario you fall flat on your face, scrape up your knee, and bloody your knuckles...but guess what, at least you fell forward.

"Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one..." - AFI
Sometimes you can only sit back and laugh at how inconsiderate people can be. It's like looking into a mirror...

If I could just get one good push in the right direction...

Purpose?

I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. That bothers me a little bit, but not a lot. What I do know is what everyone else's purpose in life is. That purpose is to make a difference to or for someone else. Whether its providing someone with the motivation to change themselves, inadvertantly setting up roadblocks on the highway of life, or just recognizing the same random songs as someone else to let them know they're not the only nutjob on the planet, everyone else is placed on this world for the sole purpose of having an effect on someone else...

...which in turn, explains my reason for being here. That helps me sleep a bit easier at night.

Now What?

"There must be an angel with a smile on her face when she thought that I should be with you..."
Occassionally there's a moment where everything seems absolutely perfect. Be it a smile or frown, a hug or a really bad joke. Life seems pretty spiffy.
"...but its time to face the truth. I will never be with you"
Then reality comes to the forefront and you just wait for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you.

12 July 2006

RAW Choice Cut: Brand New - "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"
Yes, I know the TerenceTron is a BlogMix staple, but I wanted it here as well for this post.

"It's that sort of thing that makes you think too much. It's that sort of thing that makes you lose your objectivity...It was bound to happen, so just keep moving on. There's no perfect endings."
- Straylight Run
Sometimes I look at life now and I have to stop. It's almost the cruelest case of deja vu you could wish on anyone. Its almost as if someone went back six years in my life and decided to replay everything. The cast of characters may have changed, but the story is still the same. Hopefully no one bothered to rewrite the ending. It wasn't the best of endings, but I'm still here.

"And crying out to the sky because he was lonely and scared, but only the devil responded because God wasn't there. And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold, and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul."
- Immortal Technique
I think I've discovered my issue with religion. In a few of my last few columns, I think its become fairly obvious that I've become disenchanted with organized religion. Not in a "bad" way to where I'm atheist/agnostic -- its just that I've taken off the rose colored glasses. I don't go to church like I should. I haven't been the best person I should have been. I do still carry my Rosary around, but to say it gets much use would be an understatement. But with that being said, in dire times the first thing I do is pray. Often and hard. Sometimes aloud. And why? If I were a higher being, why would I listen to someone's cries who pays little to no attention to me? I don't know, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not a higher being. Sometimes when its honest and earnest enough, a good prayer does get answered. And when it doesn't, its usually for a reason. A reason that becomes clear with time...

"There's no room left here on my back. It was damaged long ago. Though you swear you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you."
- New Found Glory
There's sometimes in life you look at your friends and go, "I made some good choices here." I've got an awesome gambit of friends. Friends who come pick me up at 3:22am when I'm drunk off my ass. Friends who slap me upside the back of the head when I do something stupid. And friends who listen when I've got mountains of emotions and feelings in front of me that I don't know how to get around. For that I'm thankful. Now I just need to work on being a better friend to them sometimes, but as we all know I've never been one for lots of people. I need to be. I've got lots of people who are for me.

"It's much better to face these kind of things with a sense a poise and rationality."
- Panic! at the Disco
The real world may not be anywhere near as fun as college, but you definitely get your fair share of curveballs. Some scenarios play out that you have absolutely no control over. Be it work, social, personal -- all you can do is watch and wait. Well, while you're waiting attempt to smile through it. No need to be all "frowny" while sitting on the sidelines.

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you do with with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don't."
- Baz Luhrmann
I have no clue what I want to do with my life. None whatsoever. I have ideas of what I wouldn't mind doing. I have goals that I want to accomplish before I'm 47, but no clue what road I'll be taking to get there. And in a little way, this bothers me. At the same time, it doesn't. I've always been one to live in "stages." Once I get to a stage, I survey my surroundings, acquaint myself with the customs and mannerisms, and do my best to succeed. Only problem is, at this point in life there's not much to do. This "stage" has no defined beginning or ending. It's purgatory. My entire purpose ever since I received my diploma has been to "kill time" before going back to school. Nothing more, nothing less. Any success would have been brushed off as luck and any failures would have been written off as a learning experience. And in the 2 yrs time, I've had my share of both... I'm quite ready to move on.

"Stop. With your feet in the air and your head on ground. Try this trick and spin it. Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it. And you'll ask yourself...where is my mind?"
- The Pixies
I can manage to control and flesh out three alter-egos, come up with all sorts of crazy stories and situations, but the one time I need to shut my mind down I can't. My head collapsing in on itself right now is quite possible.

"I'm mean this. I'm okay! Trust me."
- My Chemical Romance
As I go back and re-read over my previous RAW column, two things spring to mind.
1) Every wish that's granted isn't always a good thing
2) Follow your own advice.

14 June 2006

RAW Choice Cut: Fort Minor - "Where'd You Go"

"But think twice, that's my only advice."
- Gnarls Barkley
Life's been weird lately. I've had a friend of mine who I grew up with get pregnant. I've got a family member following foot for foot in one of his parent's footsteps (and that's not a good thing). And those two things are just the tip of the iceberg. Ah well, life happens. Times like this are where you just shrug everything off, be thankful that you're blessed to not have the same misfortunes, and keep moving forward.

"And I've become content with this life that I lead..."
- Straylight Run
At work we're getting ready to hire a new person and we just hired a newbie a few weeks back. That being said, I've been able to have a few conversations with my boss about my interview process. Apparently it went a lot better than I thought it did (I guess since I got the job out of 42 applicants, that goes without saying). We talked about our respective thoughts after the interview was over and she even filled me in on the Coastal Region Manager's point of view. At the end there was myself and another candidate, and while they both liked the other person, I was hired because "he's too good to let him go somewhere else." According to my manager, the CRM saw a lot of potential in me and if he couldn't get me into the Florence office, he was going to get me somewhere.
Well that's good to know, but I can feel the let down coming already. I have no desire to make claims handling a career. Its fun and everyday is definitely different, but its not me. Its just a filler job until I get struck by lightning and figure out exactly what it is I want to devote my life too. On the flipside, I'm not looking forward to letting my manager and the CRM down when I do decide to depart. I've never been a big fan of leaving somewhere without fulfilling my potential -- as to me "potential" is just "greatness that hasn't been realized."

"Meet me at the altar in your white dress..."
- Jagged Edge
So one of my best friends is getting married. To say I'm excited about it is an understatement. Its almost kind of cool. Not only am I sure its going to be an outstanding ceremony, but its also going to be a time of celebration. Add to this I've already been asked to be the best man, this shindig is going definitely going to be good times. And call me psychic, but I've got a feeling this will be one of the more "random" weddings I've been to. Between an AKA stepshow possibly breaking out and having (hopefully) the entire 52B-Unit in attendance, randomliarity is almost guaranteed. As is the playing of "Roxanne" by The Police at the reception...

"Be a good man, to one time, to one woman, and that'll be the end of the road."
- Janis Joplin
And while I'm on the subject of weddings and relationships, let's talk about me for a second (only because subtlety doesn't seem to work). I don't like meeting people at bars or clubs. Especially not randomly. It's not my style. I don't like "spitting game" because a) I have none, and b) its pointless. I don't like random hookups (well I do, but not really). I'm not a fan of one night stands. I actually judge women on things other than how round their ass is or how ample their breasts are (though my alter-ego would have you believe otherwise). The game of how many notches I can put in a headboard isn't one I've ever really had a desire to play.
If we're going to play matchmaker, give me an equal. Find me a girl I can have conversations with. A girl who is about doing something with her life and isn't just planning on working at Applebee's for as long as possible. Wit and sarcasm are an added bonus, but if she doesn't have them fine -- I've got enough for the both of us (she's gotta be random though). I don't need a beauty queen, cause Lord knows my ego is already through the roof, but she's got to take care of herself. And that's it. Hell, she doesn't even have to have all of the preceding qualities -- just something for me to work with. Hooking me up with Random Girl #4 to me at a bar does nothing for me. She maybe cute, but if I even get the inkling that she's dumb as a box of rocks I can't even feign interest anymore. I appreciate the random (and I stress the word random) games of matchmaker, but if she's not a good foil for me, I'm better off riding solo.

"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believed that they're real."
- The Cure
Lately I've had a thing for pictures. Not so much the pictures themselves, but the "moment." Sometimes you take a picture and everything about that moment freezes in time. Its almost as if you're looking at your life from the third person and you can see the picture develop before it even shows up in the viewfinder. But not only that, you remember the sounds, the feelings, the lights...everything about that moment just sticks with you. Its almost as if when you do get to finally see the actual picture, no matter how great it is, you're kind of upset that it doesn't live up to what you had already imagined in your head.

"They say your luck is found, the third time around."
- Angie Aparo
I've made mistakes before. Some I'm on the verge of repeating again. Its definitely best to keep an eye out for situations where you might regret not acting. You'll thank yourself later.

"But the abscence of your tears gave you away."
- Vendetta Red
I've been really mean to someone lately. What'd I do? Nothing. Which was probably the meanest thing I could have done. At first I don't think they understood, but then they looked me in the eyes. I'm pretty certain they could see the emptiness behind them. After that, everything became crystal clear and no one said a word -- which was probably the best for everyone invovled.

I like updating this blog. I always feel better. A good change of pace...

7th May 2006

RAW Choice Cut: Story of the Year - "Sidewalks"

Hear the sons of dear ol' Clemson reign supreme alway... - CU Alma Mater
From May 11, 2004

*Will I miss Clemson now as much as I have in the past? While extremely nice, it was never so much the area or the surroundings that I missed when I left. It was my friends and the activities that were going on there. Now that the majority of my friends and I no longer call Clemson home for 9 months out of the year, how long will it be before Clemson becomes a place I talk about in the past tense?

And with this upcoming (or past graduation, depending on when I post this) graduation, the slate will be/has been cleared. The second wave of people that I became friends will have gotten their diploma -- thus effectively ending any desire or push I have to go back for a weekend. This will be both a good and bad thing. Bad because I do like going up there, but good because with everyone dispersed it'll give me more places to go.

"I'm too depressed to go on. You'll be sorry when I'm gone." - Blink-182
A couple of weeks back I gave $10 to a charity. Not for any specific purpose -- they asked, I gave. I have money budgeted for church and since I haven't been going too much lately, I might as well put it some of it to good use somewhere else. I didn't think my $10 would really help their cause too much, but I gave anyways. It gave me a good warm fuzzy feeling inside, but not as much as when I found out how much money they raised and how many people donated. I felt kinda cool to be apart of something like that.

"I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone." - Bruce Springstein
It's been two years since graduation (to the day...funny how that worked out) and I still have moments where I miss my friends. They're irreplaceable and even if they weren't, that's a pretty big void to fill. Outside of Tyrell and Amanda, there's not too many people nearby that I can call up just to chill with on a weekend. And due to distance, there's pretty much no one I can just hang out with after work for a beer or a round of NCAA Football. My working conditions of being the only person below the age of 32 don't really help to remedy this sitatuion either. But for the time being, I'll deal.

"Pretty woman give your smile to me." - Roy Orbison
Surprisingly, I've had a lot of positive reaction to "The Beautification." It's almost as if its been dressed up as a game of "what new toy is that cheap bastard Terence FINALLY going to spend money on." Which I guess is a good thing, though its way off of the intented mark. It's a betterment process. Everything from wardrobe to a new car to remodeling all three of my blogs is being given a new coat of paint. And while the majority of the things I can just walk into the store and buy or sit down and work on, the one part of "The Beautification" I'd like to have the most (sometimes) isn't something I can pick up on a whim...

"I'm searching for something that's missing..." - Stacie Orrico
I need a job where I can play a lot or where I can use my creativity as I see fit. I enjoy working for Progressive. It's definitely something different. It's also rather beneficial as before I got this job I knew zilch about cars. But it's not keeping my interest. Am I planning on up and bouncing? No, not quite, life is too good there for me to do that. But I am definitely patiently waiting for a slot to open up in Greenville (along w/ May 21st to get here so I can transfer). I'm thinking I just need a change of scenery more than anything else. The Pee Dee isn't my cup of tea.

"I'm on my way, I'm making it. I've got to make it show." - Peter Gabriel
I've had this feeling lately that I'm on the cusp of something big.










But if I don't pay attention, it'll pass me by.

13 March 2006

RAW Choice Cut: Animals - "House of the Rising Sun"

"I have become comfortably numb." - Pink Floyd
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just settle. To just stop pushing forward and deal with wherever I am in life. I mean in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't be a bad life. I already have my Bachelor's degree. I've got a good job that pays well. There's a girl who loves me with all her heart, I'm sure if need be I could just stop and have a family with her. We could move to Florence and live happily ever after. Who needs goals, dreams, and aspirations? All of that is overrated. Notsomuch. While I could stop right now, I'd probably put a slug through my head if I just sat back and settled with everything. I'd feel as if I was leaving something on the table. I want to at least try, fail, try again, and possibly fail again before just tossing in the towel.

"And recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you"
- Baz Luhrmann
In the same breath, I look back at certain people and go, "What happened?" While I'm not a fan of anyone settling, I'm even less of a fan of people just wasting their potential. People who have the tools and the talent to make something of themselves and just - don't. They take the cards as they are and go from there. No planning. No further training. No education. No goals. No nothing. And the sad thing is, these are the same people who go, "Well things just never work out for me." How can they? If you're not putting any effort into yourself, why should someone else?

"Somebody told me success is the best revenge." - Kanye West
But at the same time, I shouldn't be so judgmental. To me what I see as wasted potential (in some people - others are just lazy) is actually how they planned life all along. Some people their only goal is to get married and have a family. That's all. Or they just want to find a good job in a plant and do that for 35 years. And while I see that as selling yourself short, to others that's all they want out of life. And really, nothing's wrong with that. As much as society says otherwise, there is no real "measuring stick" as far as success goes. No one says you have to have a six-figure income, 2 cars, 2.5 kids, and a beach house to be successful. The only real measuring stick you have is inside of you. 30 years from now, if you can look back and go, "I accomplished everything I wanted to do in life and I'm happy in how I did so," well then I'd consider that a success.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight." - R.E.M.
Religion is complicated. It's been hard for me as of late to find a church I feel comfortable in. I grew up a fairly even mix of Catholic and Methodist (both African and United), so I'm pretty much open to anything as far as Christianity goes. But at the same time, I don't discredit anyone else's religion just because it isn't what I personally believe in. Why should I slight Judaism, Buddism, or Mulism teachings just because I didn't grow up that way. Also, I like learning - I want to read the Koran because (from what I gather) its almost a supplemental book to The Bible and the Torah. But even with all the stuff the goes on inside my head, its not there that makes it complicated - it's the outside part. People who go to church just to look good. People who shake your hand and smile and talk bad about you behind your back. Bringing political agendas inside the church. Do I like George Bush? No, not really - but I really don't care to find out if the Pastor likes Bush or not. How do I feel about abortion? I'm pro-choice. You're gay? Fine, just keep your penis away from me. Those are my stances. Unfortunately, most churches don't see it the same way. That's what gets to me. I think what I'm looking for is just a church that uses parables and metaphors to get the point across. Give me some direction, and let me find my own way. Don't try to put blinders on me and tell me that this is the only way. It doesn't work like that.

"Cease to exist. Give them my goodbye." - Pixies
I had a friend tell me the other day that I have a switch inside of me. A switch that determines who I want to associate with and who I don't. A switch that determines when I want to show emotions and when I don't. I told her she's right. Damn near 100% right. It's real simple to be to "turn off" someone when I want to. It doesn't take much. It's just that if it gets to a point where people stop acting rational, the switch gets flicked to off. Why should I waste time and energy to relate to someone who doesn't want to be related to? When they're ready to act like they have some reasoning based on some form of logic, I'm more than willing to associate with them. I don't have time for games.

Financial Tip: The key to saving is to save before you spend, instead of saving what you have left after spending. Pay yourself first.

"Room by room patiently. I'll wait for you there, like a stone. I'll wait for you there. Alone. Alone."
- Audioslave
As of late, I've been happiest when I've been the most alone. It's been comforting. When I get home from work, I turn my phone off (or I screen my calls). I don't spend much time on AIM. I blog sporadically. I drop in and say hi to my family, but unless they come find me, that's usually the last I see of them until the next morning. I've been spending a lot of my free time reflecting on things, exercising, or just sitting in front of a box fan playing PlayStation. Occassionally, I like to sit on the sidelines of life and watch everything go by. Which is funny, cause this time last year I was miserable because I was forced to watch from the sidelines. Things change when you have an option.

23 January 2006

RAW Choice Cut: World Wrestling Entertainment - John Cena - "My Time Is Now"
"It's the franchise, boy I'm shinin' now. You can't see me, my time is now." - John Cena

In what might be a first for the RAW column, I'm about as happy as you can get. I'm not waxing poetic over a girl. I'm not sad from graduation. I'm not missing my friends (well, I do, but you know what I mean). I'm not depressed from a shitty job. I'm not upset over plans not working out to perfection. It's almost as if I've paid my dues and now things are falling into place. But, I say almost. There's still a long journey down a long and winding road ahead. Right now I'm just at a rest stop on the highway of life. This is the point where you get out, stretch your legs, and smell the flowers before going forward.

"Don't look at me that way. It was an honest mistake." - The Bravery
Life's full of mistakes. Over the past few months I've met a lot of new people. Mostly from my job, but also from other sources such as acquaintances or friends of friends. Either way, there's plenty of points in life where you just screw up royally. Marrying to young. Marrying the wrong person. Taking the wrong job. Moving to the wrong place. Making the wrong friends. And you know what, I've noticed two groups of people. People who sit and wallow in their failures. Crying over spilt milk if you will. And people who get over it, laugh it off, and tell their stories of failure only at the bar in a game of "Top This."

"Put us together, how they gonna stop both us? The '03 Bonnie & Cylde" - Jay-Z
I met a girl on one of my recent trips to Cleveland. And she was all types of awesome if just for the fact she was good and fiery. She was Hispanic too, but that's an added bonus. Anyways, its been a while since I've had someone I could spar off against or someone who'd correct me when I stuck my foot in my mouth. Almost two years. A nice little blast from the past if you will.

"Damn it feels good to be a gangsta." - Geto Boyz
Progressive might be a company I could stay at forever. Very well organized. Very well managed. They LOVE rewarding their people. And their training program is awesome. I've been there for almost 2 months and all I've done so far is train. And I like it. Because when go-time comes I'll have no excuse for not knowing what I'm doing. Big difference from Carolina Culinary when was definitely a trial by fire. Not that I didn't succeed there, but almost having my face burned off (seriously) was something I could have done without.

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own" - U2
I feel like I should go to church more. No major thought process or anything behind that. Just making a statement. I tithe like I'm "supposed" to, but I think it'd be better if I just went more often. Tis good to give thanks.

"That's Slim Shady. Yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy. Shady made me." - Eminem
Yeah, Piddy's all but gone. No grandeur. No flashy exit. Well, I guess getting tossed through the French announce table would count as being kinda flashy. But yeah, he's been kinda low-key lately.

That being said, as much as I like to pretend like I have no control or say over my alter-egos I can turn them on and off at my leisure. They're more of a mindset than a lifestyle. And even though life's pretty great right, now is the (hopefully last) time I have to reach back and grab the SCM Heavyweight Title. The time is right & I've got 3 things (maybe 4) that gotta complete before the end of the year and truthfully out of my 3 b-sides, Piddy's the only one suited for the job.

So yeah. If over the next 4-5 months I regress a little bit and become a complete jerk, heavy on the sarcasm with a taste of conceitedness on the side, deal with it. It's more of a means to an end…

Unfortunately, some of you realized that firsthand before I was able to give an explanation. *shrugs*