A Tale of Two Phone Calls

Two different phone calls.
From two people from different points in my life.
One thought process afterwards...

Stream of Consciousness

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"

Just some random things that have been floating around that I'd like to purge so I can move on to other things to wax poetic about.

"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back. And we're waiting on something that will never come." - Straylight Run
So I've decided that I'm going to hate my job. Maybe not to the levels to when I actually hated ("loathed" would be a better word) my job, but enough to where I decide to get up and make a move. I've gotten comfortable there, which is fine because I like it. But if I stay, I'll be stuck there forever. No me gusta. Funny thing is, just as I decide this, they just randomly fork over $500 extra dollars to me. One of those "here, we really appreciate all you've done the past few months" gestures. Damn. I don't like being the bad guy in situations like this.

"Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support. And in return, she'll get my support."
- Depeche Mode
I'm getting really excited about grad school again. I don't know if its because I can see it right over the horizon or because I've got someone outside of my normal circle cheering me on. It feels good to have backup.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation..."
- Lifehouse
"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart."
- The Cure
They say the first cut is the deepest. I believe it. Hell, I've written about it before. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But you know, that second slice is almost as brutal as the first. What am I getting at? Who knows. I think what I want to say is that I'm not sure anymore. You give it your all, no dice. You hold everything back until you burst inside, no dice. Its almost as if I feel as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Scary thing is, I'm not even to the level of love yet -- and here I am having issues expressing "like". I'll be sure to let everyone know when I'm out of middle school.

"I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it, but it to my brain, scream "Die Shady!" and pop it..." - Eminem
With everything going on lately, between work, an impending return to school, and social life, I've noticed I've mellowed out some. I've become a little more patient and a tad more understanding. And dare I say, compromising. Talk about a change
of pace from "me, me, me."

I'd love to have a time machine right now. The next four months should either put a lot of things into place or shake everything up.

"But I'm confused. I'm not sure how to make you happy."
"Don't worry, I'll tell you."
Trust? Patience? Two things I'm slowly adding to my character.

"And at nightime her face lit up, so astound..." - Kanye West
I can smell the upstate air. Just a little while longer.

I think too much. But you know, I like it.

Motivation = Lacking

"Convinced that your critics are watching and you've always got something...you've always got something to prove."
- Straylight Run
If you talk yourself out of something of course it isn't going to work. In times of your greatest fear and your deepest and darkest confusion, the best plan of action is to keep moving forward. Worst case scenario you fall flat on your face, scrape up your knee, and bloody your knuckles...but guess what, at least you fell forward.

"Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one..." - AFI
Sometimes you can only sit back and laugh at how inconsiderate people can be. It's like looking into a mirror...

If I could just get one good push in the right direction...

Purpose?

I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. That bothers me a little bit, but not a lot. What I do know is what everyone else's purpose in life is. That purpose is to make a difference to or for someone else. Whether its providing someone with the motivation to change themselves, inadvertantly setting up roadblocks on the highway of life, or just recognizing the same random songs as someone else to let them know they're not the only nutjob on the planet, everyone else is placed on this world for the sole purpose of having an effect on someone else...

...which in turn, explains my reason for being here. That helps me sleep a bit easier at night.

Now What?

"There must be an angel with a smile on her face when she thought that I should be with you..."
Occassionally there's a moment where everything seems absolutely perfect. Be it a smile or frown, a hug or a really bad joke. Life seems pretty spiffy.
"...but its time to face the truth. I will never be with you"
Then reality comes to the forefront and you just wait for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you.