One More Post...Just For Clarity

I'm halfway tempted to change the colors here back to Red and Black, but since no one is going to read this anyways its not going to matter too much. As far as most people are concerned this blog is dead and gone. So I guess I can say whatever is on my heart...

I stopped posting because I'm feeling really lonely. You figure it would have been the other way around as a blog is the ultimate display of someone who needs attention but its not that I'm looking for. Right now I've got no one close to me nearby. Which might be a first time for my life. This isn't a matter of wanting a girlfriend or anything like that. Just a good friend. Right now I've got Jen close by (who'll probably will be the only person to read this) and that's about it. But she leaves in a month's time so I'm not going to lean too hard on her. But all my other friends are way scattered about across the world (damn you Phil for going to China). And the odd thing is that this isn't something new. It's been like that for the last three years. I think it only became an issue once I decided that it was time quit fantasizing (in a good way) about Michele. In doing so I kind of ripped away a part of me that I had grown to live with. At that point not only did I realize that she was long gone, but so was an entire chapter of my life. That's really hard to swallow. The fact that I've held on (with only a handful of sappy posts) for the past two months amazes me. So why now? I don't know. I think it was going downtown and realizing that "hey, I don't know anyone here." I left early. I wasn't having fun anymore.

So at this point I'm deciding to step away from blogging for a bit. It'll give me time to try new stuff, meet new people, go new places. All that jazz. Or at least that's the plan. What does my time spent blogging have to do with my friends? A lot. To me at least. I like to think that all of them read up on me to see how I'm doing. I didn't want to fake it and put on the happy face while I was miserable inside. I've been down that road twice and didn't like it either time (once at the founding of the RAW columns and once during my year at CCF). Plus it'll save me the drama of everyone asking if I'm okay when I'm just venting. But I'll be back. It probably won't be for a while. And I probably won't be the same person. But I'll reappear eventually. But for now I'm signing off.

But when I come back, I'll bring the Power Rangers references back with me. I find them oh so cheesy, yet oh so fitting at the same time.

Resurrection: Beautification II - Unification Complete

All are one.

21 Grams - 3.27.07

"It's extremely difficult to turn off your heart. Shut out your emotions. Lock away your feelings. But once your mind is able to overtake your heart, there is nothing left to stand in the way of your desires."

It's been a long time since I've been to this state of mind. I think I like it. Hopefully I'll do a better job controlling myself than I did the first time.

RAW & Souled Out: Tails

I'll be damned as I thought I'd never say this.

I miss working. And everything associated with it.

Now, no I haven't gone crazy. And Piddy's not dead. On the contrary, I think he (along with however many other alter egos I have) have decided to grow up, at least a little bit.

Work really isn't that bad. And looking back anytime I made it out to be worse than what it was, I was just overexaggerating. Okay, maybe not anytime. Carolina Culinary Foods did suck balls more times than not. But as far as Progressive goes, it was (is) an awesome place to work.

My first two trips through the real world, I wasn't quite ready for it. Not that I couldn't handle it or anything, but I just didn't really want to drink the kool-aid. And to be good (like seriously good) at a job, you kind of have to at least take a sip...

"We'll find their place in line. Tie a string around your finger, its just a matter of time."
- Vince McMahon's WWE Theme Song
In my travels around the state job hunting, that short stint I had at Waffle House, and even in the few days I've been working in Columbia, I've noticed something. You work as a higher up at a place too long, you lose your soul. Everything the company believes in becomes gospel and you're a preacher. It's almost sad. You see shells of people that you could tell at one point and time were more than just speakerboxes. In talking w/ the HR Manager in Columbia, it seems as if that was one of the reasons the new supervisors and myself were brought on. People started to believe in one way, the company way, and it caused things to stagnate. Now while this doesn't happen to everyone in a company, I can only question how long it'll be before I look back on this and go "what happened to me?"
- Random Analytical Writing, June 2-24, 2004

Now my only question now is how to avoid becoming one of those empty souls I wrote about waaaay back when I first started working. But that should be easy enough to counter. I like Progressive, but if you cut me there's a better chance of me bleeding orange than blue.

But all in all, I'm looking quite forward to going back to the real world. The 8-5 thing will be good not only for my wallet, but also for my graduate school classwork. As of now I have a tendency to not do my work when I should because I have too much free time. When I'm back to working 45 hours a week on top of going to class for 6, I doubt that will be a problem.

I'm also looking forward to meeting new people, going new places, getting a business trip or two out of it, and all in all, doing a good job. I did a kinda halfassed job in Florence (it was decent, but I could have done A LOT better), but apparently someone in the Upstate liked me. When given a 2nd shot, its best not to muck it up.

But that's stuff to stress about at a later time. Right now everything is sugarplums and fairies as things have worked out where and how I've wanted them to...

"All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA."
- 4/17/04
I'm in grad school.
"Find Job #2 in the Financial Services, Banking, or Insurance industries in Greenville, South Carolina by September 2005."
- 5/31/05
I'm in the city I want to be in finally. (wow Sept '05 was a long time ago. Boy was I patient)
"Progressive might be a company I could stay at forever. Very well organized. Very well managed..."
- 1/23/06
I'm at a job I want to be at.

As far as things I want, there's only one thing I feel that I'm missing. But like I've said before many times in this space...

Life's too short to worry. Things will work themselves out.

Resurrection: 2nd Chance

"This time it was a little different. I didn't want to leave and neither did my coworkers. But we all knew it was coming and it was just a matter of time. This time there wasn't really a smile in the process. I really enjoy(ed) working at Progressive (most of the time) and it kind of sucks that I can't "take my job with me" to the Upstate, but those are the breaks sometimes."
- December 12, 2006

That was damn near 3 months ago. How I managed to make it this far without panicking or freaking out surprises even me. When you've got good friends to keep you occupied, guess that's not hard. Anyways...


Guess who gets to drive the cool Progressive trucks again. And in the Upstate nonetheless. To say I'm pleased is an understatement. More on this soon.

5 March 2007

RAW Choice Cut: Queen - "I Want To Break Free"

Par for the course, another two months, another RAW column. Guess that's a good thing, but I'd like to get rid of them completely as it means I've quit thinking so hard. Ah well.

"If only I thought of the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you."
- The Cure
There are some things that sit on your heart and/or mind. You don't know why, you just know that you can't really get on with functioning as normal until you can find a way to take that weight off your shoulders. Sometimes the best opportunity to have done so may be long gone, but tomorrow always brings another chance.

"I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe."
- Britney Spears
I'm sure I wrote about this in an EAP at some point and time, but I'm not really up for digging through the EAP archives. One of the biggest lies you will hear out of a girl's mouth is "I'm different from other girls." Bull. They all cry over the same stuff. They all get upset over the same stuff. They all get excited over the same stuff. They all get worried over the same stuff. If you find a girl who says this and she actually is "different from the other girls," marry her.

--- Edit ---
(I got bored (4:40am...) and I went and found it.)
Random Things That Upset Me…

Girls who say "I'm not like other girls." This might be the biggest lie I've ever heard and the bad thing is I hear it all the time. Whether I hear it from a girl I know, from a male friend who knows a girl, on television, or just hearing it in passing, I can say I hear it more than I like. Okay, you like video games. Doesn't make you different from other girls. If you know the Konami Kode, you might have a argument though. You like football. Doesn't make you different from other girls. You actually know how to get dressed in less than 3.5 hours. Doesn't make you different from other girls, it makes you a normal person. You know what would make you guys different from other girls though? - NOT SAYING HOW YOU'RE DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GIRLS. I don't care if you're prim and pretty, pretty princess or if you're a beer-loving, Super Nintendo sweetie ya'll all manage to do the same thing. Stop.

(As of late I could EASILY write four pages or so on how much I dislike women in general, but I'll keep it to this one paragraph. For now.)
- Extended AIM Profile, October 10-25, 2004
--- Edit ---

"Smile like you mean it."
- The Killers
The secret to being happy: keep track of when you frown. Make a mental note of those times, events, people, jobs, etc. when you feel a scowl on your face. Then stop doing those things. Simple as that. And I'd say make a note of when you're smiling, but that tends to happen subconsciously. You know when you're frowning.

"Well we all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun."
- John Lennon
As I've gotten older, if there's one thing I've learned about myself is that I prefer not for people to be upset at me. When I was younger I'd be mad just for the sake of the other person being mad. Over the years, I've learned that it's a lot easier to apologize and bury the hatchet and move on. It's not good (for anyone) to keep animosity bottled up. To quote a great man, "If you've got hate in your heart, let it out."

Sunscreen moment: "Understand that friends come and go. But with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge that gaps in geography and lifestyle. For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."
2 thoughts. I've got awesome friends and sometimes I feel that I'm not working hard enough.

"Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you."
- New Found Glory
Speaking of which, unexpected appearances by good friends is easily one of the best things that anyone can ask for. And if you fail to make time for them, then shame on you.

Closing thoughts...

"Don't wanna talk about it. I say why not?"
- Stroke 9
Some things you can't manufacture. Some things you can't fix. Some things you can't prevent.

"And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul."
- Immortal Technique
Some people actually enjoy wallowing in their sorrows. Fair enough.

"If you ever feel loved or needed, remember that you're one of the lucky ones."
- Straylight Run
Maybe everyone needs a hug or two. Even if they act like they don't want it.

"But I didn't slit her thoat, I just tied her up. See, I ain't like you. Cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, then she'll die too."
- Eminem
Patience comes with time.

Resurrection: Resolution #2

I realize I've been kinda lax with my resolutions this year. I figured that here and now is just as good of a time to start putting them as a priority. Especially since all that January hoopla has died down a bit...

"Professional: Maintain at least a 3.4 GPA. I know I'm probably lowballing myself here, but its been a while since I've been in school plus I'll have work to deal with too (hopefully). A 3.4 is perfect as it gives me good breathing room but also puts me in a great position to graduate with honors in a couple of years."


Sure, its only the first test. But that's a big first step down the road to not only completing my resolution, but also my overall goal of getting my Masters.

Resurrection: new world order

"Soon will the present-day order be rolled up, and a new one spread out in its stead."
- Bahá'u'llá

I've had my fun since I've moved back to the upstate. At least it feels that way. Every possible thing that my alter-egos wanted to do I think they somehow managed to squeeze into a one week period...

Piddy's gone downtown five out of the past seven days and the only thing stopping him the other two days was class on Monday and Blue Laws on Sunday. He's gotten a fair share of football and videogames in while neglecting pretty much everything of importance. There's been good times with Chad and somehow, someway he's managed to spend more time with Jen (she's always funtimes) than anyone else so far. It's been fun.

Then on the flipside emoTerence has done his thing as well. Unfortunately. Worrying about the unimportant stuff. Getting overly emotional about a girl (scroll down a post...) for reasons unbeknownst to me (weren't we past all this already?) Stretching himself too thin to make unnecessary accomodations. Nice to know nothing's changed much.

And that stops here. Well stopped. Today was the first day where I remembered that this whole encore was supposed to be about me. I'm keeping my New Year's resolutions. I went to church. Willingly. Hell, I left Tracie in bed to go - and that's a big no-go no matter which Terence you talk to. I took time out for myself today to just be with myself. Sure, that invovled a little Zelda time, but I also got some studying done. I'm also continuing to work out because hey, they beer gut has got to go. And the last resolution about slowing life down a bit -- yeah, I'm not going out at all this coming week. No going out equals more time to do everything else I want to do along with keeping more money in my pocket.

Well while I've got those goals going, I want to add two more into the fire. Stuff I want to accomplish by the end of the month (well, February the 2nd).
Numero Uno - I need a job. I enjoy the downtime, but let's get real here.
Numero Dos - Start a budget again. Its one thing to not know how much is coming in, but its a whole 'nother story to not know what's going out.

It all begins again...

12 January 2007

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"
"Dreams aren't what they used to be. Some things sat by so carelessly."

"There's nothing left to prove."
- Our Lady Peace
In many things you do, there's a point where you realize that the energy being output isn't worth the reward that's received in turn. Work, school, relationships, whatever. And once that point is reached, that's the point where you decide do "just enough."

"You clear your conscience with words so weak and empty. But something in your eyes gave you away."
- Vendetta Red
A lot can be deciphered from a person's eyes. Their mood, their emotions, their feelings. Its like reading a book. But at the same time, have you ever stepped back and attempted to look into your own eyes? Its amazing how your face will give off exactly what you're feeling. Sometimes, thats a plus. Other times, not so much.

"Either way, options change. Chances fail, trains derail."
- t.A.T.u.
Everyone always says that "Its best to confront a problem head on. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away." While true, I think we all know that in times of uncertainty, its best to let time take its course. You don't always need a plan or a blueprint, sometimes its best to just ride life to where you're meant to be.

"I know how to fake it and I know just how to scheme. I know when just to face the truth and then I know just when to dream."
- Air Supply
Sometimes you knew from the very beginning what you were getting into...