Off The Grid: 6/9/08

I'm just going to type until I feel better. Not that I'm upset or anything, there's just something I've got to get off my chest.

I don't think I've ever told anyone this. I don't think I've ever even told myself actually. I'm in love with Michele. Those words just look odd there, but they're true. They have been for close to the last five years or so...

So why the sudden announcement? Well its not really an announcement as its been painfully obvious to anyone who's been around me a while, but I think I'm just coming to terms with it. I don't know the exact moment when it happened, but I know I can't shake it. I've tried to. It doesn't work.

I compare every girl to her. They're not as pretty. They're not as smart. They're not as caring. They can't hold a conversation as well. They just don't measure up.

So why not go after her if no one can fill her void? Believe me, I'd love to. But there's about a thousand miles between us -- and as stubborn as both of us can be, I have a feeling that neither one of us is planning on moving any time soon. I can't blame either one of us though. She's a northern girl and I'm a southern boy. To say that one of us would have to make a lifestyle change would be an understatement. Now would I consider picking up all of my stuff and moving to suburban Connecticut? For her, in a heartbeat. Am I going to? Of course not. I like rationalizing stuff, and unless I knew there was some chance that this could actually work out, I'm not going anywhere. But given the right circumstances, I'd up and go, no questions asked. And as much as my friends and family would be upset to see me go, I think they would understand.

In the meantime, I enjoy her when I can. I recently got done with a trip to the northeast. Swinging two states over to go see her was not part of the original plan -- though to no one's surprise it quickly became it. And from the time I got off the train in New Haven to the second she dropped me off at the place where I was originally supposed to be (which wound up being about a full 24 hours), I was as happy as I could be.

I truly enjoy "her."

But in the same breath, I get horribly lovesick when we part ways. I try to keep the goodbyes short just so they're not awkward, but I would love to hold that hug a second or so longer. After she's gone my heart usually hurts for a little bit. A day or so maybe. There's lots of short breaths with an occasional tear or two. But that's fine. It helps me feel better.

Though once I get done reminiscing over the recent time that past, be it from looking at pictures, daydreaming, or listening to music, my very next thought is, "That was great. If only I knew when I get to see her again."

Which I guess brings me to where I am now. No one's getting married any time soon and I don't have another $350 to hop on a plane again. Sooo...barring anything unexpected, I guess this is the point where I pretend to not think about her daily and just hope that life works itself out.

If only I could think of some way to accelerate that process though...