Meh

I thought about posting this over at the EAP, but it's more fitting here; seeing as how it was here I detailed my plans about going to grad school, the entire admissions process, and the early part of my grad school here. Here I am a little less than a month away from graduation and I'm simply over the whole grad school thing.

I don't know if I'm out of energy, out of motivation, or just out of overall "care," but I just have no desire to get through this semester. Now will I? Of course. I've come too far to just throw in the towel. But instead of a wild sprint to the finish line, it'll definitely be a slow limp.

Last night I looked over my undergaduate transcripts. It was a beautiful piece of paper. Lots of As, a few Bs, and a couple of Ds from freshman year (hey, no one's perfect). Then I thought back to my high school transcript -- damn near flawless. Then I looked at my graduate school transcripts -- mostly Bs. Is that bad? No. But it's not me. Or is it?

Left to my own devices, I'm a high-B/low-A student by default. And that's pretty much where I've been for most of grad school. Without the pressures of high school or the "catch-up" mentality of undergad (I had a 1.9 GPA early on) I've regressed to the mean. What could have caused this?

Working. As much as I hate to admit it, my last two jobs have broken my spirit a little. Everytime I wanted to do well or excel, I was told that "my extra effort wasn't necessary" or that I "needed to follow orders as instructed from corporate." So I did what any one else would do -- stopped trying. Combined with the fact that I quickly found out that my grades in college were worthless in the real world, it's kinda easy to see how these things quickly added up to zero motivation for grad school.

So here I am now. Just trying to get to the end. Not really concerning myself with grades, group projects, papers, or trying to impress my professors. Because for as much as the egotistical part of me wants to do well, the realist part of me knows that none of this shit will matter in a year's time. Like other things I've chosen to blog about in this space, I'm OK with that.

There are more important things for me to concern myself with.