Spillage

A lot of things in life are mental. Everything else is physical. A good walk is where those two intersect. It's good for the body while at the same time increasing blood flow to the brain. Releasing endorphins and all of that jazz. Here's to making this a daily thing. Which shouldn't be too hard as I'm more wasteful with my time than I am productive.

Life's funny sometimes. Just when you thought you closed an old book, in comes a gust a wind to blow the cover open. Lovely.

I think she's pretty awesome. Definitely moreso than anyone else. Too bad I have no clue what step 2 should be. Or even if there is a chance for a step 2 to even occur.

It doesn't matter how many times I say it, no one believes me. Money isn't the solution to everything and happiness is vastly underrated in today's society. Oh well. Mom always said that sometimes the best lessons are the ones you have to learn the hard way.

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

I stopped feeling guilty years ago. Things always work out in the end.

Winter Doldrums

It's that time of year when everyone gets a little sad. I'm no different.

I'm not too fond of school right now, I'm confused as to where I want to go and what I want to do in life, and I'm a little lonely. The loneliness part surprises me because I've got a fair share of friends, but very few that I feel like I connect with deeply. Add in the fact that money is starting to run low again and I think it is easy to understand why I'm not in the greatest of moods.

But it could always be worse. In fact, it has been worse. And I'm still here.

Things will pass.

In more positive news, I just had a warm bowl of soup not too long ago. Man that felt good. :-)

Meh

I thought about posting this over at the EAP, but it's more fitting here; seeing as how it was here I detailed my plans about going to grad school, the entire admissions process, and the early part of my grad school here. Here I am a little less than a month away from graduation and I'm simply over the whole grad school thing.

I don't know if I'm out of energy, out of motivation, or just out of overall "care," but I just have no desire to get through this semester. Now will I? Of course. I've come too far to just throw in the towel. But instead of a wild sprint to the finish line, it'll definitely be a slow limp.

Last night I looked over my undergaduate transcripts. It was a beautiful piece of paper. Lots of As, a few Bs, and a couple of Ds from freshman year (hey, no one's perfect). Then I thought back to my high school transcript -- damn near flawless. Then I looked at my graduate school transcripts -- mostly Bs. Is that bad? No. But it's not me. Or is it?

Left to my own devices, I'm a high-B/low-A student by default. And that's pretty much where I've been for most of grad school. Without the pressures of high school or the "catch-up" mentality of undergad (I had a 1.9 GPA early on) I've regressed to the mean. What could have caused this?

Working. As much as I hate to admit it, my last two jobs have broken my spirit a little. Everytime I wanted to do well or excel, I was told that "my extra effort wasn't necessary" or that I "needed to follow orders as instructed from corporate." So I did what any one else would do -- stopped trying. Combined with the fact that I quickly found out that my grades in college were worthless in the real world, it's kinda easy to see how these things quickly added up to zero motivation for grad school.

So here I am now. Just trying to get to the end. Not really concerning myself with grades, group projects, papers, or trying to impress my professors. Because for as much as the egotistical part of me wants to do well, the realist part of me knows that none of this shit will matter in a year's time. Like other things I've chosen to blog about in this space, I'm OK with that.

There are more important things for me to concern myself with.

Head Scratcher

A little piece of my heart would love to open itself back to her.  I think it's because I'm sitting on her couch right now after the most impromptu of any New Haven trips, but still that feeling is there.

However part of me wonders how much of that is because I may still really want her and everything that becomes with her or because I just want her to refill that open space inside of me.

Actually, I don't wonder.  I know it's the latter.  As pretty and awesome she is, know that for whatever reason, I've grown slightly cold to her.  Not by choice, not on purpose, and I doubt she even realizes it.  But I can feel it...