Souled Out

2009-11-29T22:12:00.001-05:00

It's been a long since I've felt love.

I remember how awesome, pure, and innocent it was. There was nothing like it. I couldn't go more than 15 minutes without thinking about Rebecca. Holding her was one of those special treats that made my day instantly better.

At the same time, it's been a long time since I've had my heart broken.

I remember how un-fun that was. Being in that weird place that mixed anger and sadness with no real way to release it. Having to mope around in silence because you didn't want to wear what was left of your heart on your sleeve.

As such, am I ready to love again? I think so. I sure as hell feel like I am. I've got a great girl who is fantastic. She treats me well, gets along with my friends and family, and is just all-around awesome. The past two months and change couldn't have gone any better.

Sure, I still have a few concerns about opening myself up again, especially after so long -- I've kinda hardened my heart a bit -- but I think it'll be OK. I feel like she feels the same way, or at least smiles like she does, which is comforting.

I don't know what happens next. But I'm willing to find out.

Door #2

2009-07-17T11:51:00.006-05:00

I was digging through the EAP archives a last night and stumbled across an old post that reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend about a week ago. Over a few beers and boring baseball game, we discussed the things that we were looking for in a girl.

A lot of the normal fare came up. You know, the whole "lookin' for a dime, that's top of the line with a cute face, slim waist, and big behind" jazz. But once we got past all of the superficial stuff, we had a pretty interesting conversation. I even managed to find out something about myself. The things that I look for in a woman now aren't the same things that I was looking for a few years ago.

In an EAP post from mid-2005, I shared three characteristics that were important (to me) for a girl to have:

3 Things I Look For In A Girl
1) The ability to roll with my randomness. Sometimes I'm just gonna be random for no damn reason and I halfway expect it in return. I'm enjoy pure silliness. Hell, I have about 40 multiple personalities, I better be.
2) Nothing. There's times I like hanging out with a girl and I really don't want anything from her. I don't need her to be girly, or a great host, or anything of the like. Sometimes I just really enjoy the company. Bonus points if she smells good though.
3) The ability to carry a captivating conversation. I like being random, but I enjoy seriousness sometimes also. Talking about real issues and such. You find out a lot about a person that way.

Some four years later, I think only one of those traits still hold true.

I still want a girl who can carry a conversation. Actually, I have to have a girl who can talk. Contrary to what my Hola posts would have you believe, physical attractiveness makes up only a small part of my "interest equation." You can be smoking hot, but if I can't talk to you about "real things," then my interest level immediately drops to zero. Weird, I know -- but that's how I'm wired. I like smart girls. That statement is probably the tip of a bigger underlying Oedipus complex, but I have very little tolerance for dumb girls.

As far as the other two characteristics, I think my desire for them is still there, just not in the same way I expressed them previously.

Instead of wanting "nothing" from a girl, I just want a girl who can entertain herself. Believe me, that's harder to find than you think it would be. I need a girl with her own friends, her own interests, her own hobbies, etc. Don't count on me to always be available to make your life more exciting. Why not? Because I have my own friends, interests, and hobbies. That may sound like I don't want to make time for a girlfriend, which is far from the truth. I don't want to make time for a girlfriend who wants to occupy all of my time. I don't like being smothered. And as far as dealing with my randomness goes, well I'm older now. I'm not as random anymore. Not to say that I don't have my moments though...

In terms of new revelations, I've discovered two new things I want from a girl:

1) I need her to have a little bit of bitch in her. Not a lot -- I don't think I could tolerate dealing with Kate Gosselin -- but just a little bit. I find a girl who gets emotionally passionate about certain things to be kinda hot. Also, if she's got a little bit of bitch in her, then that means she's not a pushover. That's good, because given the chance I have the tendency take advantage of weak-minded people. It's a flaw, I know.

2) The ability to understand that there will be times that I just won't care. There are times when I truly believe that I am the most nonchalant person on the face of the planet. Being broke doesn't get under my skin. Getting in a car accident doesn't rattle me. Misplacing an item doesn't drive me crazy. A looming deadline doesn't get me all worked up. Life's too short to always be upset and as such, there aren't many things that bother me. Surprisingly, my ability to not be bothered, bothers some people. Go fig.

Now do I think I can find a actually girl with all of these traits? Probably not on my own accord. When I actively search a girl out, it usually blows up in my face. But if I just let life take its course, then yeah, probably so. I like to think that things have a way of working themselves out, so why should finding an ideal mate be any different?

Hopefully life tosses me a bone and gives me a Hispanic girl though. Not that I'm overly picky or anything.

The Truth

2009-03-22T07:53:00.000-05:00

I don't think about her daily anymore. I don't miss her constantly anymore. I hardly even talk to her now.

"I compare every girl to her. They're not as pretty. They're not as smart. They're not as caring. They can't hold a conversation as well. They just don't measure up."

That doesn't make the above any less true. That makes me a little sad.

PostSecret

2009-02-15T16:44:00.002-05:00

Every week I like to take a few minutes and read through the postcards at PostSecret while listening to DeVotchKa's "Til The End Of Time."

It's always the best three minutes of my week.

The More Things Change...

2008-12-18T03:48:00.001-05:00

Graduation 2004

The more they remain the same...

Graduation 2008

Insomnia

2008-12-07T07:39:00.002-05:00

I'm officially done with school next Thursday. That is as long as I don't tank the final that I'm supposed to be studying for. Procrastination...I've danced with her so many times already, what's one more dance going to hurt.

I have an idea of what I want to do with my future, but not a specific one. I like that. I think I tied myself down a bit too much last time I went job hunting. I was definitely focused on what I should be doing instead of what I wanted to being doing.

After looking through my past a little, I've come to this conclusion. I like it for what it was. I enjoyed every minute of it. I don't want to relive any of it. I say that because I like the way my present has worked itself out.

There are nights when taking a nap on the couch is better than going downtown. Inner peace and all that jazz.

Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves before writing them off.

"You clear you conscience with words so weak and empty, but something your eyes gave you away."
- Vendetta Red

The only thing keeping me from thinking this is a completely bad idea is her eyes. They're nothing special, but they're full of genuine emotion -- hope, happiness, joy. There's a dreamer there, and I like that.

The thing that made me realize that I'd be making a mistake if I thought about this any further is her eyes. They may be big and beautiful, but I don't feel like there's any warmth there.

Its getting late...early. Sleep would be a good idea.

Spillage

2008-11-18T00:37:00.004-05:00

A lot of things in life are mental. Everything else is physical. A good walk is where those two intersect. It's good for the body while at the same time increasing blood flow to the brain. Releasing endorphins and all of that jazz. Here's to making this a daily thing. Which shouldn't be too hard as I'm more wasteful with my time than I am productive.

Life's funny sometimes. Just when you thought you closed an old book, in comes a gust a wind to blow the cover open. Lovely.

I think she's pretty awesome. Definitely moreso than anyone else. Too bad I have no clue what step 2 should be. Or even if there is a chance for a step 2 to even occur.

It doesn't matter how many times I say it, no one believes me. Money isn't the solution to everything and happiness is vastly underrated in today's society. Oh well. Mom always said that sometimes the best lessons are the ones you have to learn the hard way.

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

I stopped feeling guilty years ago. Things always work out in the end.

Winter Doldrums

2008-11-11T04:11:00.003-05:00

It's that time of year when everyone gets a little sad. I'm no different.

I'm not too fond of school right now, I'm confused as to where I want to go and what I want to do in life, and I'm a little lonely. The loneliness part surprises me because I've got a fair share of friends, but very few that I feel like I connect with deeply. Add in the fact that money is starting to run low again and I think it is easy to understand why I'm not in the greatest of moods.

But it could always be worse. In fact, it has been worse. And I'm still here.

Things will pass.

In more positive news, I just had a warm bowl of soup not too long ago. Man that felt good. :-)

Meh

2008-11-09T23:05:00.002-05:00

I thought about posting this over at the EAP, but it's more fitting here; seeing as how it was here I detailed my plans about going to grad school, the entire admissions process, and the early part of my grad school here. Here I am a little less than a month away from graduation and I'm simply over the whole grad school thing.

I don't know if I'm out of energy, out of motivation, or just out of overall "care," but I just have no desire to get through this semester. Now will I? Of course. I've come too far to just throw in the towel. But instead of a wild sprint to the finish line, it'll definitely be a slow limp.

Last night I looked over my undergaduate transcripts. It was a beautiful piece of paper. Lots of As, a few Bs, and a couple of Ds from freshman year (hey, no one's perfect). Then I thought back to my high school transcript -- damn near flawless. Then I looked at my graduate school transcripts -- mostly Bs. Is that bad? No. But it's not me. Or is it?

Left to my own devices, I'm a high-B/low-A student by default. And that's pretty much where I've been for most of grad school. Without the pressures of high school or the "catch-up" mentality of undergad (I had a 1.9 GPA early on) I've regressed to the mean. What could have caused this?

Working. As much as I hate to admit it, my last two jobs have broken my spirit a little. Everytime I wanted to do well or excel, I was told that "my extra effort wasn't necessary" or that I "needed to follow orders as instructed from corporate." So I did what any one else would do -- stopped trying. Combined with the fact that I quickly found out that my grades in college were worthless in the real world, it's kinda easy to see how these things quickly added up to zero motivation for grad school.

So here I am now. Just trying to get to the end. Not really concerning myself with grades, group projects, papers, or trying to impress my professors. Because for as much as the egotistical part of me wants to do well, the realist part of me knows that none of this shit will matter in a year's time. Like other things I've chosen to blog about in this space, I'm OK with that.

There are more important things for me to concern myself with.

Head Scratcher

2008-11-03T01:25:00.003-05:00

A little piece of my heart would love to open itself back to her. I think it's because I'm sitting on her couch right now after the most impromptu of any New Haven trips, but still that feeling is there.

However part of me wonders how much of that is because I may still really want her and everything that becomes with her or because I just want her to refill that open space inside of me.

Actually, I don't wonder. I know it's the latter. As pretty and awesome she is, know that for whatever reason, I've grown slightly cold to her. Not by choice, not on purpose, and I doubt she even realizes it. But I can feel it...

Listen

2008-10-19T03:43:00.003-05:00

I'm a little amazed at my lack of emotion this weekend. Usually any time that she's in my presence I'm all doe-eyed and dreamy. But this time...nothing. It could have been the "home field advantage." It could have been because I was spread too thin between everyone who was in town this weekend. Or maybe it was because, whether I want to admit it or not, both my mind and my heart finally decided to come to the realization that it's time to move along.

Surprisingly, I think I'm OK with that.

Best Won't Do

2008-09-30T02:39:00.001-05:00

I can't control everything that changes. I can change things that I control.

Some Things Are Better Left To Chance

2008-09-03T01:39:00.002-05:00

"I truly enjoy 'her.' Sooo...barring anything unexpected, I guess this is the point where I pretend to not think about her daily and just hope that life works itself out."
- June 9, 2008

There's a weekend in October that I just got more excited for than I normally do.

Sadeness

2008-08-13T01:31:00.000-05:00

"Sade, dis-moi"

I was a little conflicted as to where to make this post, as it doesn't fit in with the overall theme of this blog. But I'll post it here and see what happens.

I'm writing this post for everyone, but I'd like to pose a question to any and all bloggers that come across this. What would happen to your blog(s) if you were to no longer exist? -- be it for whatever circumstances. Death, alien abduction, witness relocation, or just plain ol' moving on in your life.

I was reading up on the Marquis de Sade, a man who was imprisoned multiple times for his pornographic, yet philosophic, writings when this thought crossed my mind. While many of his works have been perseved for generations, many of his works were lost or destroyed.

His thoughts, his words, his ideas, his musings -- lost forever.

While its pretty much a given that whatever he had to say may be more important than anything I rant and rave on about here, I can't say that the thought doesn't cross my mind of what would would happen to all the stuff I've written over the years. If I died tomorrow, would people actually know that this blog existed? And if so, for how long? If the Blogger servers perished in a fire, would there a chance that any of my writings would be spared? My memories, thoughts, and longings all gone in an instant.

But so is the pattern of life. Sure, there are tons of books and writing around today that have lasted for centuries, but think about all the ones that didn't make it. Wars, famine, sickness, climate, and time itself have all had their say on what texts would last over time.

We as bloggers should expect no different with our texts. If by chance, someone comes across this writing 1,000 years from now -- smile like you mean it, you'll thank yourself later. If not, well then...

"Sade, donne-moi"

Roll The Dice 19

2008-08-09T02:49:00.003-05:00

Just cleaning my head out...

$1 to the person who actually sees that the EAP is jumping from 18 to 20 the next time I do one of these. And there I was thinking I was slick when I started at 17 when I did a Technologic post with the same title.
For some unknown reason, the Olympic ceremony that took place in Beijing made me prouder than normal to be a US citizen. Be it our choice of flag bearer or because this year's game is taking place in a truly foreign country (Australia speaks English and Greece is the home of the Olympics, so neither felt "truly" foreign) something inside me made me really proud to be an American. Now will that feeling be there in 17 days? Who knows.
I can't find any motivation right now. School. Work. Social life. It's all just more of the same. I'm in dire need of a change of scenery.
I eat too much. I need to stop that. Or at least exercise more. And drink less.
Here's a conundrum. I decide to "rebuild my ladder." An open call on dating and talking to women. Things have gone decently well. New people have entered into my life all with their own personalities. Thing is, I'm not sure if I want to even bother myself with getting to know them. Why? Because I'm not sure if I like them or not. How do I not know if I like them or not? Because I decided that it would be a good idea to forget what I like in order to try something new. Go fig...
One of my biggest fears in life is not living up to my potential. I feel that I'm supposed to accomplish something great. But where is the line drawn between what I'm "supposed" to accomplish and what makes me happy?
Backing up to this whole ladder thing, someone asked me why I can't shake Michele and what makes her different from other girls. I think the thing is I never get to talk to her. She feels so distant. That lack of contact probably makes me miss her more than I should. But now I'm just retreading old territory. I'll move on.
Outside of Michele, the person I probably miss the most is my little sister. Sure, she's an adult now (she's 21...wow, time flies) but I miss her company. We never have real conversations and when we do they're short and to the point -- but that's what I like about her. She knows me and I know her and that's cool. "Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future." Very true.
Money isn't important to me. Just happiness. But more times than not it seems as if you need one to get to the other.
Part of me wants a big move. If for no reason other than to reinvent myself. The person I am now wouldn't have any clue who he was 10 years ago. That was the plan. And just like how I felt that I was outgrowing my skin a decade ago, I feel the same way now. The bad thing is, while I somewhat enjoyed life in high school, I really enjoy life now. I really have no complaints. But be it not reaching my potential, not being as happy as I could be, or not getting to the life I want to get to, I know that doing the same things I'm doing now won't help me in the long run. So now it's time to hit the reset button...

Nothing's Left

2008-08-02T01:36:00.004-05:00

*looksup*

*heavysigh*

(Piddy proceeds to push the base of what looks to be a giant ladder, toppling it over in the process)

*ladderfalls*

(Piddy sits amongst the debris as Mr. Polk walks up)

Mr. Polk: What was that for?
Piddy: What was what for?
Mr. Polk: Was there really a need to knock that ladder down?
Piddy: Not really. But at the same time, was there a need to keep it?
Mr. Polk: Touche'.

(Both characters are left to gaze out upon the open expanse, only to wonder what comes next...)

7.26.08

2008-07-26T00:38:00.001-05:00

I think I'm growing up a little.

Schedules. Going to bed early. Making actual plans.

It's different, but I'm not up for fighting it.

So far, I like it.

7.18.08

2008-07-18T03:50:00.001-05:00

When you have nothing you appreciate what you do have just a little bit more.

Off The Grid: 6/9/08

2008-06-09T02:12:00.003-05:00

I'm just going to type until I feel better. Not that I'm upset or anything, there's just something I've got to get off my chest.

I don't think I've ever told anyone this. I don't think I've ever even told myself actually. I'm in love with Michele. Those words just look odd there, but they're true. They have been for close to the last five years or so...

So why the sudden announcement? Well its not really an announcement as its been painfully obvious to anyone who's been around me a while, but I think I'm just coming to terms with it. I don't know the exact moment when it happened, but I know I can't shake it. I've tried to. It doesn't work.

I compare every girl to her. They're not as pretty. They're not as smart. They're not as caring. They can't hold a conversation as well. They just don't measure up.

So why not go after her if no one can fill her void? Believe me, I'd love to. But there's about a thousand miles between us -- and as stubborn as both of us can be, I have a feeling that neither one of us is planning on moving any time soon. I can't blame either one of us though. She's a northern girl and I'm a southern boy. To say that one of us would have to make a lifestyle change would be an understatement. Now would I consider picking up all of my stuff and moving to suburban Connecticut? For her, in a heartbeat. Am I going to? Of course not. I like rationalizing stuff, and unless I knew there was some chance that this could actually work out, I'm not going anywhere. But given the right circumstances, I'd up and go, no questions asked. And as much as my friends and family would be upset to see me go, I think they would understand.

In the meantime, I enjoy her when I can. I recently got done with a trip to the northeast. Swinging two states over to go see her was not part of the original plan -- though to no one's surprise it quickly became it. And from the time I got off the train in New Haven to the second she dropped me off at the place where I was originally supposed to be (which wound up being about a full 24 hours), I was as happy as I could be.

I truly enjoy "her."

But in the same breath, I get horribly lovesick when we part ways. I try to keep the goodbyes short just so they're not awkward, but I would love to hold that hug a second or so longer. After she's gone my heart usually hurts for a little bit. A day or so maybe. There's lots of short breaths with an occasional tear or two. But that's fine. It helps me feel better.

Though once I get done reminiscing over the recent time that past, be it from looking at pictures, daydreaming, or listening to music, my very next thought is, "That was great. If only I knew when I get to see her again."

Which I guess brings me to where I am now. No one's getting married any time soon and I don't have another $350 to hop on a plane again. Sooo...barring anything unexpected, I guess this is the point where I pretend to not think about her daily and just hope that life works itself out.

If only I could think of some way to accelerate that process though...

Slow Dance

2008-04-21T06:32:00.003-05:00

I don't remember the song.

I remember her smile. That's all I need.

Hugs

2008-02-24T05:00:00.002-05:00

I've got a friend lately who has all the sudden started giving me the biggest, longest, most personal hugs ever. Its a little random, as our friendship has never really involved much of anything beyond a high five. But evenso, I really enjoy it. It's great to get a occasionally get a hug that says, "hey friend. I enjoy you as a person. Let me share that feeling with you." Sure, its random and sometimes a little odd, but I've never pulled back from any of her hugs...no matter how out of place they may be.

Off The Grid: 2/18/08

2008-02-18T05:24:00.003-05:00

Seeing as how the spotlight is on the EAP and Technologic, I think I can post here without worry. It may help me ease my mind.

Do I feel bad about asking her to leave my house? Somewhat. I wanted her gone because I wanted my space and I wanted her to actually try and do something with herself. I do feel bad about the way things ended though. Sure, the girl is clinically batshit crazy, but she had some good traits about her. While I can't say that I ever want her back in my life in any shape, fashion, or form, I can honestly say that I hope life picks up for her. She'll be the first to tell you that she's had a shitty life -- and I won't disagree with her. Yes, its true that a good deal of it is her fault, but there's only so much that you can do when there's no forward momentum in your life.

I still miss Michele. As always, I could write a 5,000 word essay on that subject with lots of old pictures and bad music from The Cure, but in the end it would just be 4,996 words to much. It's been almost four years and everytime I think I've finally let go, the sinking realization sets in that she was perfect for me and I failed to move. I think its the last part that hurts the most.

I'm very much at a loss for what I want to do with my life. I've groomed myself to believe that business is where its at and what I need to be doing. Marketing, management, IT, information systems and the like with an MBA on top of all that. The funny thing is, there's a better chance of me winding up working at a newspaper than there is of me working at a Fortune 500 company. And you know what, as long as I'm happy I would be absolutely fine with that.

I love my mom. And my dad. And even my baby sister -- who turns 21 in a month -- too. I'm very blessed to have a family I love and one that loves me back. Throughout my travels, I've found out that my life is not the norm for everyone.

I'm not sure why lately, but I have been loving milk. And hot toast. Not necessarily together, but that's fine too.

Sleeping alone is fine. I enjoy my space, my covers, and the ability to fart in my sleep without waking up wondering if I farted. But there's something nice about sleeping in the same bed with a woman from time to time. Their sheets are clean, their pillows are fluffy, and the room smells good. Then there's those moments when you wake up and realize that she's rolled over to where she's sleeping on your back. As much as you want to move her because its sort of uncomfortable, you let her stay. It's actually more comfortable that way.

There's something about the breeze of early springtime. With its arrival comes the promise of new adventures and untapped potential. However it also carries with it an ocean of memories and emotions that you thought you had forgotten...

One More Post...Just For Clarity

2007-06-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'm halfway tempted to change the colors here back to Red and Black, but since no one is going to read this anyways its not going to matter too much. As far as most people are concerned this blog is dead and gone. So I guess I can say whatever is on my heart...

I stopped posting because I'm feeling really lonely. You figure it would have been the other way around as a blog is the ultimate display of someone who needs attention but its not that I'm looking for. Right now I've got no one close to me nearby. Which might be a first time for my life. This isn't a matter of wanting a girlfriend or anything like that. Just a good friend. Right now I've got Jen close by (who'll probably will be the only person to read this) and that's about it. But she leaves in a month's time so I'm not going to lean too hard on her. But all my other friends are way scattered about across the world (damn you Phil for going to China). And the odd thing is that this isn't something new. It's been like that for the last three years. I think it only became an issue once I decided that it was time quit fantasizing (in a good way) about Michele. In doing so I kind of ripped away a part of me that I had grown to live with. At that point not only did I realize that she was long gone, but so was an entire chapter of my life. That's really hard to swallow. The fact that I've held on (with only a handful of sappy posts) for the past two months amazes me. So why now? I don't know. I think it was going downtown and realizing that "hey, I don't know anyone here." I left early. I wasn't having fun anymore.

So at this point I'm deciding to step away from blogging for a bit. It'll give me time to try new stuff, meet new people, go new places. All that jazz. Or at least that's the plan. What does my time spent blogging have to do with my friends? A lot. To me at least. I like to think that all of them read up on me to see how I'm doing. I didn't want to fake it and put on the happy face while I was miserable inside. I've been down that road twice and didn't like it either time (once at the founding of the RAW columns and once during my year at CCF). Plus it'll save me the drama of everyone asking if I'm okay when I'm just venting. But I'll be back. It probably won't be for a while. And I probably won't be the same person. But I'll reappear eventually. But for now I'm signing off.

But when I come back, I'll bring the Power Rangers references back with me. I find them oh so cheesy, yet oh so fitting at the same time.

Resurrection: Beautification II - Unification Complete

2007-05-02T00:50:00.000-05:00

All are one.

21 Grams - 3.27.07

2007-03-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

"It's extremely difficult to turn off your heart. Shut out your emotions. Lock away your feelings. But once your mind is able to overtake your heart, there is nothing left to stand in the way of your desires."

It's been a long time since I've been to this state of mind. I think I like it. Hopefully I'll do a better job controlling myself than I did the first time.

RAW & Souled Out: Tails

2007-03-13T03:42:00.000-05:00

I'll be damned as I thought I'd never say this.

I miss working. And everything associated with it.

Now, no I haven't gone crazy. And Piddy's not dead. On the contrary, I think he (along with however many other alter egos I have) have decided to grow up, at least a little bit.

Work really isn't that bad. And looking back anytime I made it out to be worse than what it was, I was just overexaggerating. Okay, maybe not anytime. Carolina Culinary Foods did suck balls more times than not. But as far as Progressive goes, it was (is) an awesome place to work.

My first two trips through the real world, I wasn't quite ready for it. Not that I couldn't handle it or anything, but I just didn't really want to drink the kool-aid. And to be good (like seriously good) at a job, you kind of have to at least take a sip...

"We'll find their place in line. Tie a string around your finger, its just a matter of time."
- Vince McMahon's WWE Theme Song
In my travels around the state job hunting, that short stint I had at Waffle House, and even in the few days I've been working in Columbia, I've noticed something. You work as a higher up at a place too long, you lose your soul. Everything the company believes in becomes gospel and you're a preacher. It's almost sad. You see shells of people that you could tell at one point and time were more than just speakerboxes. In talking w/ the HR Manager in Columbia, it seems as if that was one of the reasons the new supervisors and myself were brought on. People started to believe in one way, the company way, and it caused things to stagnate. Now while this doesn't happen to everyone in a company, I can only question how long it'll be before I look back on this and go "what happened to me?"
- Random Analytical Writing, June 2-24, 2004

Now my only question now is how to avoid becoming one of those empty souls I wrote about waaaay back when I first started working. But that should be easy enough to counter. I like Progressive, but if you cut me there's a better chance of me bleeding orange than blue.

But all in all, I'm looking quite forward to going back to the real world. The 8-5 thing will be good not only for my wallet, but also for my graduate school classwork. As of now I have a tendency to not do my work when I should because I have too much free time. When I'm back to working 45 hours a week on top of going to class for 6, I doubt that will be a problem.

I'm also looking forward to meeting new people, going new places, getting a business trip or two out of it, and all in all, doing a good job. I did a kinda halfassed job in Florence (it was decent, but I could have done A LOT better), but apparently someone in the Upstate liked me. When given a 2nd shot, its best not to muck it up.

But that's stuff to stress about at a later time. Right now everything is sugarplums and fairies as things have worked out where and how I've wanted them to...

"All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA."
- 4/17/04
I'm in grad school.
"Find Job #2 in the Financial Services, Banking, or Insurance industries in Greenville, South Carolina by September 2005."
- 5/31/05
I'm in the city I want to be in finally. (wow Sept '05 was a long time ago. Boy was I patient)
"Progressive might be a company I could stay at forever. Very well organized. Very well managed..."
- 1/23/06
I'm at a job I want to be at.

As far as things I want, there's only one thing I feel that I'm missing. But like I've said before many times in this space...

Life's too short to worry. Things will work themselves out.

Resurrection: 2nd Chance

2007-03-08T15:43:00.000-05:00

"This time it was a little different. I didn't want to leave and neither did my coworkers. But we all knew it was coming and it was just a matter of time. This time there wasn't really a smile in the process. I really enjoy(ed) working at Progressive (most of the time) and it kind of sucks that I can't "take my job with me" to the Upstate, but those are the breaks sometimes."
- December 12, 2006

That was damn near 3 months ago. How I managed to make it this far without panicking or freaking out surprises even me. When you've got good friends to keep you occupied, guess that's not hard. Anyways...

Guess who gets to drive the cool Progressive trucks again. And in the Upstate nonetheless. To say I'm pleased is an understatement. More on this soon.

5 March 2007

2007-03-05T00:18:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Queen - "I Want To Break Free"

Par for the course, another two months, another RAW column. Guess that's a good thing, but I'd like to get rid of them completely as it means I've quit thinking so hard. Ah well.

"If only I thought of the right words I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you."
- The Cure
There are some things that sit on your heart and/or mind. You don't know why, you just know that you can't really get on with functioning as normal until you can find a way to take that weight off your shoulders. Sometimes the best opportunity to have done so may be long gone, but tomorrow always brings another chance.

"I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe."
- Britney Spears
I'm sure I wrote about this in an EAP at some point and time, but I'm not really up for digging through the EAP archives. One of the biggest lies you will hear out of a girl's mouth is "I'm different from other girls." Bull. They all cry over the same stuff. They all get upset over the same stuff. They all get excited over the same stuff. They all get worried over the same stuff. If you find a girl who says this and she actually is "different from the other girls," marry her.

--- Edit ---
(I got bored (4:40am...) and I went and found it.)
Random Things That Upset Me…

Girls who say "I'm not like other girls." This might be the biggest lie I've ever heard and the bad thing is I hear it all the time. Whether I hear it from a girl I know, from a male friend who knows a girl, on television, or just hearing it in passing, I can say I hear it more than I like. Okay, you like video games. Doesn't make you different from other girls. If you know the Konami Kode, you might have a argument though. You like football. Doesn't make you different from other girls. You actually know how to get dressed in less than 3.5 hours. Doesn't make you different from other girls, it makes you a normal person. You know what would make you guys different from other girls though? - NOT SAYING HOW YOU'RE DIFFERENT FROM OTHER GIRLS. I don't care if you're prim and pretty, pretty princess or if you're a beer-loving, Super Nintendo sweetie ya'll all manage to do the same thing. Stop.

(As of late I could EASILY write four pages or so on how much I dislike women in general, but I'll keep it to this one paragraph. For now.)
- Extended AIM Profile, October 10-25, 2004
--- Edit ---

"Smile like you mean it."
- The Killers
The secret to being happy: keep track of when you frown. Make a mental note of those times, events, people, jobs, etc. when you feel a scowl on your face. Then stop doing those things. Simple as that. And I'd say make a note of when you're smiling, but that tends to happen subconsciously. You know when you're frowning.

"Well we all shine on, like the moon and the stars and the sun."
- John Lennon
As I've gotten older, if there's one thing I've learned about myself is that I prefer not for people to be upset at me. When I was younger I'd be mad just for the sake of the other person being mad. Over the years, I've learned that it's a lot easier to apologize and bury the hatchet and move on. It's not good (for anyone) to keep animosity bottled up. To quote a great man, "If you've got hate in your heart, let it out."

Sunscreen moment: "Understand that friends come and go. But with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge that gaps in geography and lifestyle. For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."
2 thoughts. I've got awesome friends and sometimes I feel that I'm not working hard enough.

"Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you."
- New Found Glory
Speaking of which, unexpected appearances by good friends is easily one of the best things that anyone can ask for. And if you fail to make time for them, then shame on you.

Closing thoughts...

"Don't wanna talk about it. I say why not?"
- Stroke 9
Some things you can't manufacture. Some things you can't fix. Some things you can't prevent.

"And so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul."
- Immortal Technique
Some people actually enjoy wallowing in their sorrows. Fair enough.

"If you ever feel loved or needed, remember that you're one of the lucky ones."
- Straylight Run
Maybe everyone needs a hug or two. Even if they act like they don't want it.

"But I didn't slit her thoat, I just tied her up. See, I ain't like you. Cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, then she'll die too."
- Eminem
Patience comes with time.

Resurrection: Resolution #2

2007-02-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

I realize I've been kinda lax with my resolutions this year. I figured that here and now is just as good of a time to start putting them as a priority. Especially since all that January hoopla has died down a bit...

"Professional: Maintain at least a 3.4 GPA. I know I'm probably lowballing myself here, but its been a while since I've been in school plus I'll have work to deal with too (hopefully). A 3.4 is perfect as it gives me good breathing room but also puts me in a great position to graduate with honors in a couple of years."

Sure, its only the first test. But that's a big first step down the road to not only completing my resolution, but also my overall goal of getting my Masters.

Resurrection: new world order

2007-01-15T03:21:00.000-05:00

"Soon will the present-day order be rolled up, and a new one spread out in its stead."
- Bahá'u'llá

I've had my fun since I've moved back to the upstate. At least it feels that way. Every possible thing that my alter-egos wanted to do I think they somehow managed to squeeze into a one week period...

Piddy's gone downtown five out of the past seven days and the only thing stopping him the other two days was class on Monday and Blue Laws on Sunday. He's gotten a fair share of football and videogames in while neglecting pretty much everything of importance. There's been good times with Chad and somehow, someway he's managed to spend more time with Jen (she's always funtimes) than anyone else so far. It's been fun.

Then on the flipside emoTerence has done his thing as well. Unfortunately. Worrying about the unimportant stuff. Getting overly emotional about a girl (scroll down a post...) for reasons unbeknownst to me (weren't we past all this already?) Stretching himself too thin to make unnecessary accomodations. Nice to know nothing's changed much.

And that stops here. Well stopped. Today was the first day where I remembered that this whole encore was supposed to be about me. I'm keeping my New Year's resolutions. I went to church. Willingly. Hell, I left Tracie in bed to go - and that's a big no-go no matter which Terence you talk to. I took time out for myself today to just be with myself. Sure, that invovled a little Zelda time, but I also got some studying done. I'm also continuing to work out because hey, they beer gut has got to go. And the last resolution about slowing life down a bit -- yeah, I'm not going out at all this coming week. No going out equals more time to do everything else I want to do along with keeping more money in my pocket.

Well while I've got those goals going, I want to add two more into the fire. Stuff I want to accomplish by the end of the month (well, February the 2nd).
Numero Uno - I need a job. I enjoy the downtime, but let's get real here.
Numero Dos - Start a budget again. Its one thing to not know how much is coming in, but its a whole 'nother story to not know what's going out.

It all begins again...

12 January 2007

2007-01-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"
"Dreams aren't what they used to be. Some things sat by so carelessly."

"There's nothing left to prove."
- Our Lady Peace
In many things you do, there's a point where you realize that the energy being output isn't worth the reward that's received in turn. Work, school, relationships, whatever. And once that point is reached, that's the point where you decide do "just enough."

"You clear your conscience with words so weak and empty. But something in your eyes gave you away."
- Vendetta Red
A lot can be deciphered from a person's eyes. Their mood, their emotions, their feelings. Its like reading a book. But at the same time, have you ever stepped back and attempted to look into your own eyes? Its amazing how your face will give off exactly what you're feeling. Sometimes, thats a plus. Other times, not so much.

"Either way, options change. Chances fail, trains derail."
- t.A.T.u.
Everyone always says that "Its best to confront a problem head on. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away." While true, I think we all know that in times of uncertainty, its best to let time take its course. You don't always need a plan or a blueprint, sometimes its best to just ride life to where you're meant to be.

"I know how to fake it and I know just how to scheme. I know when just to face the truth and then I know just when to dream."
- Air Supply
Sometimes you knew from the very beginning what you were getting into...

Resurrection is the new Beautification?

2006-12-19T23:18:00.000-05:00

There are times I wish I was my old self. Not a shell or a character I use to play "anti-Piddy." But the me that I was a long time ago. A self-centered, conceited, selfish individual. I display flashes of that sporadically, but generally I keep that part of me locked up. And when I don't it has emoTerence and Piddy to get through first. But I think that if I could manage to just revert to that "person," even if just for a few weeks at a time, I'd have a bit more "forward progress." Not necessarily saying life would be better -- just more productive.

Do I think I can drag that side of me back to the forefront? Given some ideal time and the right surroundings, its quite possible. It's all mental anyways. In the next few months, I'll have the time (everyone's who's unemployed raise their hands), the surroundings (an MBA progam is like getting a degree in Advance Selfishness), and the capacity to give it a shot.

*shrugs* Who knows. It could be me just thinking too hard or it could be me planning for a resurrection that shouldn't occur. We'll have to watch where this goes...

"What you believe to be real becomes your reality."
- Robert Kiyosaki

T Minus...

2006-12-12T01:04:00.000-05:00

I remember the last time I put in my two week notice. In leaving Carolina Culinary I could barely contain myself as I told them "I've decided to pursue other endeavors." It was a great day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and there were white women dancing all around with flowers in their hair.

This time it was a little different. I didn't want to leave and neither did my coworkers. But we all knew it was coming and it was just a matter of time. This time there wasn't really a smile in the process. I really enjoy(ed) working at Progressive (most of the time) and it kind of sucks that I can't "take my job with me" to the Upstate, but those are the breaks sometimes.

As for now, I'm just going to enjoy my time in the office while I'm can. Easily the best group of people I've ever had the privilege to work with (sans Orientation Ambassadors) and I'm gonna miss the good times and conversations we've had but oh well. When its time to go, its time to go. I got to look out for me first -- no one else will.

"The best cure for laziness is a little bit of greed."

22 November 2006

2006-11-22T03:24:00.000-05:00

Sure, I boxed up the RAW column a few months ago, but I still need some space every now and then to be a little emo/overlythoughtful/emotional. This is one of those spaces.

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more..."
- The Cure
So I'm talking with a friend of mine, one who should be quite obvious to those who know me (when else do I use "Pictures of You" for anything?), and we're catching up a bit. Our normal 2 month conversation if you will. Anyways, we're talking and she mentions that she's terribly lonely where she's at now. All her friends have either moved away or are part of serious relationships now and that she's almost contemplating moving back down south. Part of me is giddy at just the thought of that while another part of me is looking for a steel chair to beat some sense into the other part.

"Don't say that later will be better. Now your stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it."
- U2
Slowly, little by little, I'm started to get excited about school. Notsomuch about school itself, but the impending change that'll bring. While I may have mentioned that I was stuck in a routine, it really was more of rut. Now I can see a little clearing for change. It should be fun with lots of interesting people, things, and events. And best of all, I get to move out. I love the folks, but 2.5 years was WAY too long to be here. Thankfully, the first year and some change was spent working at night so I wasn't really around anyways.

"You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways."
- The Killers
The double take. Sometimes its a trap. Sometimes its a moment of rationalization. Either way going back and revisiting something you abruptly brushed off a first time is good for the mind. It helps you sleep easier knowing that you gave something a fair shake instead of stacking it up to past events. Sometimes you were right in your first assessment and you walk away leaving things as they were before. Other times you miss something you overlooked the first time. Might be something small, might be something glaringly obvious. Either way it does cause you to re-evaluate everything.

"Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm."
- Depeche Mode
I enjoy the silence sometimes. No one says you have to be feeling something at all times. No one says you have to speak. A comfortable silence is quite refreshing.

"Smile like you mean it."
- The Killers
A smile. So simple, so telling. An pure one says more than any amount of fake words ever could.

"...I would miss all the places and people I love, so although I may go, I'll be coming home soon."
- Ernie
Going back to the topic of family, its amazing how much you undervalue them sometime. Sure you may fight with them occassionally (or all the time in some cases), but generally speaking they'll be the one group of people you can always count to be around.

"I'm choosing my confessions."
- R.E.M.
I wrote somewhere, whether it was an away message or a BlogMix/Cinco/Souled Out/RAW post about making space in life. I wasn't sure what I was making space for, but it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm still not completely sure why I decided that, but looking down the road 4-6 months I can see a lot of things lining themselves out.

Break Out The Party Hats

2006-11-21T01:20:00.000-05:00

Well everything's official now. Not that it wasn't before, but its good to have all this stuff in writing. Just a few observations/notes from reading through all this paperwork...

Seeing as how all this stuff has a postmark date of November 16, 2005, they could have saved $1.26 in postage by just handing me all of this in person as I was up there on the 16th anyways.
The envelope that says CONGRATULATIONS on it definitely takes away some of the surprise. And what happens if I wasn't accepted? Just kick me while I'm down why don'tcha?
Surprisingly my student ID number remained the same. However, my email address did not. My first four years at Clemson blessed me with pterenc@clemson.edu. Lovely. Now for the return trip, I get terencp@clemson.edu. Better, but would it have been that much trouble to give me the last E in my name? Or even better yet, how about the email address I had while I was an Ambassador -- tpolk@clemson.edu -- the one I never used.
I tested/coursed out of the first 11 hours of the program. Highly beneficial in that it saves me a ton of money. Notso beneficial in that I'm pretty sure I've forgotten whatever it is I tested/coursed out of in the past two and a half years.
And the most important piece of information -- classes start January 8. That gives me about 6 weeks to find employment or housing. I just need one or the other at the moment. I think I can wing it for a little bit until I get all of my ducks in a row...

As a bonus to all of my readers, which might be 6 people, you guys should feel special. Mom definitely didn't even know I had applied to grad school let alone got accepted until sometime late Sunday night. Apparently I forgot to tell her a week ago. Whoops.

The Answer Brings More Questions

2006-11-14T00:31:00.000-05:00

Terence,
We got the second recommendation from Amanda Rials - thank you! I processed your application this afternoon and recommended an acceptance to the Graduate School. You should receive your official letter of acceptance in a week or so. Thanks for your help.
- Martha.

Two and a half years. It's been a while coming. The rest of life will sort itself accordingly.

Routine: Pessimism - Part II of II

2006-11-12T20:23:00.000-05:00

"With all this happening, I can truthfully say I don't want to go anywhere. And why should I? I'm making good money, great hours, and an awesome work environment. Life is good. But that's where the issues comes in...

Do I lay back on what I want? Trading in the lovely upstate region of SC for the Pee Dee was not what I had planned...
Do I postpone grad school? Do I not go at all?
Do I quit? Do I stay? Do I hope and pray that a position opens up in Greenville and that my manager is gracious enough to release me?

I don't know. No clue at all."
- Souled Out, October 18, 2006

This is where it stops being fun. I'm at the point where I've already made my decisions. And they're the same decisions I've made before. No change in plans - Clemson MBA, living in the Upstate SC area. I think where the nervousness comes in is the change that comes with it.

I like my job and my paycheck (which allows me to pay for my car and do whatever else I please). Its just the uncertainty that comes w/ not having either of those (maybe) that bothers me.

It'll pass.

The Perfect Ending

2006-10-18T01:04:00.000-05:00

"...This is just a plot twist. That means things always have to go wrong once before you get to the happy ending."
- Viewtiful Joe

Oh, I couldn't have phrased it better myself.

Just when I was all set to leave Progressive (and the Pee Dee), things up and get screwy on me. For the sake of space, let's recap the chain of events from the past year...

June 05 - Quitting CCF / Starting with AXA Financial "full-time"
June-Nov 05 - Jumping through hoops and doing the song and dance routine for AXA. Why? I was promised a spot in the Greenville territory
Nov 05 - Tired of jumping through hoops (and not being paid), I take a job with Progressive in Florence, just in time for Christmas.

At this point I think to myself, "Sure, you have no desire to live in Florence. But we'll tolerate it for 6 months, then transfer to the Greenville office." I'm sure I even wrote that down somewhere, but I'm not up for digging through the EAP's archives. What follows next is completely unexpected...

Dec 05/Jan 06 - 2 full expenses paid trips to Cleveland. Sure Cleveland sucks, but I'd never been before. And I met great people and had an awesome time. Plus Progressive also footed the bill for trips to The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the NFL Hall of Fame, a Nintendo DS, and courtside tickets to Nuggets v. Cavaliers.
Feb 06 - Full expense trip to Charlotte. Sure, its just Charlotte, but hey I'll take it.

Somewhere in there, I started to enjoy my 0ffice. 5 awesome coworkers a pretty fair manager and decent hours. 4 of my coworkers left...

Apr 06 - Aug 06 - You ever try handing insurance claims for the ENTIRE Pee Dee area during the summer with just one other person? Believe me, it wasn't fun. I think that if it weren't for the "character" I built while at CCF, I would have left during all of this. But since then business has picked up...

I've been rewarded handsomely TWICE for all the shit we had to put up with during the summer.
We've gotten 2 new people in the office who are more than awesome. Talk about a great work environment.
I've finally gotten the hours I want. 10am-7pm. I can stay up late and sleep in. This also came with a 5% raise.
Somewhere in all that mess during the summer I qualified for my Casualty and Property Damage certifications. Which each came with a 2.5%. (For those keeping track, that's a 10% raise, and no I haven't had my yearly review yet -- which comes with another raise)
The company is doing well and my Gainshare (8% of my annual salary * whatever our profit multiplier is) should be quite nice.

With all this happening, I can truthfully say I don't want to go anywhere. And why should I? I'm making good money, great hours, and an aweseome work environment. Life is good. But that's where the issues comes in...

Do I lay back on what I want? Trading in the lovely upstate region of SC for the Pee Dee was not what I had planned...
Do I postpone grad school? Do I not go at all?
Do I quit? Do I stay? Do I hope and pray that a position opens up in Greenville and that my manager is gracious enough to release me?

I don't know. No clue at all.

All I can do is hedge my bets.

USC's Moore School of Business gets and MBA Application along with Clemson...
Hopefully a position opens up in Greenville. If not, I'll take Columbia....

Lots of questions with no answers. I do know one thing, no final decisions will be made until after I know what my grad school status is. Once I find out where I can go, I'll concern myself with where I need to be. In the meantime, I'll just concern myself with whether or not Clemson can win the ACC and making sure my car payment is in on time.

Life's too short to worry.

there's always a plot twist before you get to the happy ending

Forward Progress...Kinda

2006-10-18T01:01:00.000-05:00

So I still haven't completed my Clemson grad school application.

I'm a little disappointed in myself, but I'm not upset at all. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, my procrastination won't severely effect my future.

Everything needed for the application packet shy of the proof of residency form and mailing a hard copy of my GMAT scores can be done online. Letters of recommendation, paying the application fee, the whole shebang.

And for that I'm happy. Sure I wanted it in by the 29th of September, but if I can get it all submitted by the end of the week, I'll be happy.

Roll The Dice: Retraction

2006-09-27T18:50:00.000-05:00

"watch you mouth. hold your tongue. some things are better left unsaid..."
- Juliana Theory

Not yet.

21 Grams - 9.25.06 - Success

2006-09-24T23:45:00.000-05:00

During my time with AXA, they tried their fair share of brain washing techniques. Obviously they didn't work as I'm no longer there, but one of the things they gave me was a small pamphelt entitled, "The Common Denominator of Success." While heavy on the brainwashing, it did carry one fundamental message that I feel, at this point in my life, I need to take to heart.

"...But this common denominator of success is so big, so powerful, and so vitally important to your future and mine that I'm not going to make a speech about it. I'm just going to "lay it on the line" in words of one syllable, so simple that everyone can understand them.

The common denominator of success -- the secret of success of every man who has ever been successful -- lies in the fact that he formed the habit of doing things that failures don't like to do."

So true. I remember reading it the first time and thinking, "that used to be me." And as I read it for a second time, I think once more, "that used to me."

Now its time for me to say, "That's me."

21 Grams - 9.13.06

2006-09-13T00:59:00.000-05:00

It is our mind, and that alone, that chains us or sets us free.

Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

The abiliity the poison or feed your own mind is one that all of us possess, yet few are able to achieve.

Forward Progress

2006-09-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

So I can feel like I'm actually making progress...

==============================================
To be considered for admission, applicants must submit a complete application package consisting of the following:

1. A copy of your current resumé.
* 2 years of work experience are required for the Career Accelerator (off-campus, evening) program.
* For the Career Launch (full-time, on-campus) program non-business undergraduate majors are preferred. If you have a business undergraduate degree some work experience is required.

Status: Complete

2. Two official transcripts of all college-level work. International applicants must include official copies of transcripts in both their native language and in English. Clemson University graduates do not need to submit official transcripts of their undergraduate work. For consideration, you must have earned a bachelor's degree, or its equivalent, from an accredited college or university.

Status: Complete

3. Two letters of recommendation. These can be in either letter form or submitted using the recommendation form available at: http://www.grad.clemson.edu/f_grad.html (select the desired format, MS Word or PDF, of the GSL-1 form, "Recommendation Form for Admission")

Status: Not Complete

4. A 1 - 2 page Statement of Purpose on why you want an MBA (Career Launch program only).

Status: Not Applicable

5. Official GMAT scores. To facilitate application processing, please include a copy of your unofficial GMAT scores with your application package. Information about the GMAT is available at http://www.mba.com/mba . Career Accelerator (evening) applicants with acceptable credentials and a cumulative GPA of at least 3.0 may start the foundation courses in a non-degree status prior to completing the GMAT. The program code for the Career Launch (full-time) program is: 504-FJ-40 and for the Career Accelerator (evening) program: 504-FJ-17

Status: Complete

6. An electronic application available at: http://www.grad.clemson.edu/Admission.php (please include a note with your other materials indicating that you submitted an electronic application).

Note: Since we request that the application material be sent directly to the MBA Office, the Graduate School's online application status check may not accurately reflect receipt of these supplemental documents.

Status: Not Complete

7. The non-refundable application fee indicated on the application.

Status: Pending ($50)

8. Proof of South Carolina residency, if applicable, (http://www.grad.clemson.edu/f_general.html select the GS35 form).

Status: Complete

9. Mail application materials to the following:

For the Career Accelerator (Off-Campus, Evening) Program:
Clemson MBA Program
University Center
P.O. Box 5616
225 S. Pleasantburg Drive
Greenville, SC 29606

Status: Not Complete
Due Date: November 1, 2006
Personal Postmark Date Goal: September 29, 2006
==============================================

Everyday puts me a little bit closer...

21 Grams - 9.11.06

2006-09-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

"Dan, my father always told me to lift yourself up. If you don't praise yourself, you'll only be waiting on others to do so. When you give others the power to lift you up, you also give them the power to tear them down. So forgive me if I pat myself on the back a little extra for a job well done."
- Michael Irvin on "The Dan Patrick Show"

I love you guys, but I'm good at telling myself "I'm awesome" on a constant basis.

Deja Vu

2006-09-10T20:33:00.000-05:00

"The seventeenth of June in the year 2005 will be my last day. As much as I hate(d) my job, I find the ending to be almost bittersweet. I can hear my crew going, "what about us, why are you leaving?" I can hear the managers in the front office going, "Don't leave yet. What about the company? What about your action plans you were implementing?" You know what...

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all."
- May 31, 2005

In a move that's starting to become all too familiar, I'm leaving Progressive.

I'm not sure what day. I'm not sure what time. But I know it'll be soon. Would I like to stay longer? Definitely. Its a great company with awesome benefits and a fantastic set of ideals. Unfortunately, what they need from me and what I want from them aren't going to match up. I need to get to the Upstate office (Greenville), they need warm bodies in the Pee Dee office (Florence). Unless an impass comes through, I highly doubt that come the week of January 8th I'll still be employed for the 3rd largest auto insurer in the country.

Dissappointed? A little. I'd really like to stay for a little resume stability (and for not having the move my 401(k)). But the end will justify the means. A few years back I'll look back and go, "It was fun. But I really needed to move on."

21 Grams - 9.10.06

2006-09-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

"When an opponent declares, “I will not come over to your side,” I calmly say, “Your child belongs to us already.... What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.”"
- Adolf Hitler

The foundation of an army begins not in convincing those you know and are well receieved by. It begins by convincing those you have had no interaction with previously...

Letter from the CEO

2006-09-08T00:58:00.000-05:00

Abrupt change? Not quite.

A little more than a year ago I gave my "other" alter-ego free reign for a little bit. It was an interesting time in my life. I bought some stocks. I became a little more business saavy. I started caring more about investing in myself and my future than I did my present. Hell, I even tried my hand at becoming a stock broker. It was an interesting time, but a time I'd rather forget at the same time. I felt a tad hollow, as if the only thing I was focused on was money and my best interests. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing with those two things, but having them as a focal point isn't a good way to go about living your life. So somewhere along the line I decided to put up the three piece suits and investment portfolios and go back to having fun and living life as it comes. Sure, I still reached back into my closet of alter-egos and pulled out the dress shoes when necessary (the Beautification had to be financed somehow), but all in all its been fun in the sun for the last 14 months.

Well now I'm ready to move forward. Or at least I think I am. Either way, I don't plan on staying in Sumter or Florence or South Carolina for that matter much longer -- so I've got to start somewhere. Consider this the start.

A blog? Why you may ask (or actually you don't and I'm just having more delusions of grandeur, but that's okay)? Well because I like documenting things. I like knowing where I've been, where I'm at, and where I'm supposed to be at. (And following that logic, I'm supposed to be into my third week of grad school. As you see, I'm not. Anywhoo, that's neither here nor there.) Also, because we all know that I love letting my imagination run wild from me. While I credit the Orientation crew with giving Piddy legs to stand on, he had to start somewhere. And the scary thing is, he started the same place that my Mr. Polk alter-ego did. The only difference between the two is that Piddy's has been given freedom to do as he pleased for the last four years whereas Mr. P has pretty much been locked away since high school (for good reason -- but that'll make itself clear as time goes on). And with that freedom came a voice. Do I really have an issue with Katie Couric? To be honest, I don't know. But considering Piddy has been wanting to decapitate her for the better part of two years, I might. Either way, its definitely a case of what I believed to be real becoming my reality. Which is why I stripped the RAW column away from my "base" personality and handed it over to Mr. Polk. If Piddy could convince me into believing that having a stripper wrap her crotch around my face was a good thing, I'm POSITIVE that I can be convinced into believing that mutual funds and an MBA are nothing but good.

And yeah, I just spent way more time explaining the core of my three faces. That's what I do. I'm not crazy. Yet. But if I manage to accomplish all the goals I have set for myself (and the new ones I plan to set as this blog gets some legs), just do me (and yourself) a favor and pretend this post never existed...

Sincerely,

Mr. Polk

Be Prepared

2006-09-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

Now is not a time for thinking. Now is not a time for reminiscing. Now is not a time for wanting. Now is not a time for wearing your heart on your sleeve. Now is not a time to wait on others to make decisions.

It's time for action.

Sam's Town

2006-09-05T00:21:00.000-05:00

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch him now, here he come

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Upset? No. Concerned? No. Confused? A little.

If everything is cool, great. If not, I just simply walk away. No slices across the jugular. No the heart punches. Just a simple about face, never looking back, never cracking a smirk.

But I'll cross that bridge, if necessary, when I get there. For now, I've got bigger things to be concerned about...

They say the devils water it ain’t so sweet
You don’t have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while

A Tale of Two Phone Calls

2006-08-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

Two different phone calls.
From two people from different points in my life.
One thought process afterwards...

Stream of Consciousness

2006-08-15T01:14:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"

Just some random things that have been floating around that I'd like to purge so I can move on to other things to wax poetic about.

"We're moving forward, but holding ourselves back. And we're waiting on something that will never come." - Straylight Run
So I've decided that I'm going to hate my job. Maybe not to the levels to when I actually hated ("loathed" would be a better word) my job, but enough to where I decide to get up and make a move. I've gotten comfortable there, which is fine because I like it. But if I stay, I'll be stuck there forever. No me gusta. Funny thing is, just as I decide this, they just randomly fork over $500 extra dollars to me. One of those "here, we really appreciate all you've done the past few months" gestures. Damn. I don't like being the bad guy in situations like this.

"Someone who'll stand by my side and give me support. And in return, she'll get my support."
- Depeche Mode
I'm getting really excited about grad school again. I don't know if its because I can see it right over the horizon or because I've got someone outside of my normal circle cheering me on. It feels good to have backup.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation..."
- Lifehouse
"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart."
- The Cure
They say the first cut is the deepest. I believe it. Hell, I've written about it before. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But you know, that second slice is almost as brutal as the first. What am I getting at? Who knows. I think what I want to say is that I'm not sure anymore. You give it your all, no dice. You hold everything back until you burst inside, no dice. Its almost as if I feel as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Scary thing is, I'm not even to the level of love yet -- and here I am having issues expressing "like". I'll be sure to let everyone know when I'm out of middle school.

"I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it, but it to my brain, scream "Die Shady!" and pop it..." - Eminem
With everything going on lately, between work, an impending return to school, and social life, I've noticed I've mellowed out some. I've become a little more patient and a tad more understanding. And dare I say, compromising. Talk about a change
of pace from "me, me, me."

I'd love to have a time machine right now. The next four months should either put a lot of things into place or shake everything up.

"But I'm confused. I'm not sure how to make you happy."
"Don't worry, I'll tell you."
Trust? Patience? Two things I'm slowly adding to my character.

"And at nightime her face lit up, so astound..." - Kanye West
I can smell the upstate air. Just a little while longer.

I think too much. But you know, I like it.

Motivation = Lacking

2006-08-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

"Convinced that your critics are watching and you've always got something...you've always got something to prove."
- Straylight Run
If you talk yourself out of something of course it isn't going to work. In times of your greatest fear and your deepest and darkest confusion, the best plan of action is to keep moving forward. Worst case scenario you fall flat on your face, scrape up your knee, and bloody your knuckles...but guess what, at least you fell forward.

"Your sins into me, oh my beautiful one..." - AFI
Sometimes you can only sit back and laugh at how inconsiderate people can be. It's like looking into a mirror...

If I could just get one good push in the right direction...

Purpose?

2006-08-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what my purpose in life is. That bothers me a little bit, but not a lot. What I do know is what everyone else's purpose in life is. That purpose is to make a difference to or for someone else. Whether its providing someone with the motivation to change themselves, inadvertantly setting up roadblocks on the highway of life, or just recognizing the same random songs as someone else to let them know they're not the only nutjob on the planet, everyone else is placed on this world for the sole purpose of having an effect on someone else...

...which in turn, explains my reason for being here. That helps me sleep a bit easier at night.

Now What?

2006-08-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

"There must be an angel with a smile on her face when she thought that I should be with you..."
Occassionally there's a moment where everything seems absolutely perfect. Be it a smile or frown, a hug or a really bad joke. Life seems pretty spiffy.
"...but its time to face the truth. I will never be with you"
Then reality comes to the forefront and you just wait for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you.

12 July 2006

2006-07-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Brand New - "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"
Yes, I know the TerenceTron is a BlogMix staple, but I wanted it here as well for this post.

"It's that sort of thing that makes you think too much. It's that sort of thing that makes you lose your objectivity...It was bound to happen, so just keep moving on. There's no perfect endings."
- Straylight Run
Sometimes I look at life now and I have to stop. It's almost the cruelest case of deja vu you could wish on anyone. Its almost as if someone went back six years in my life and decided to replay everything. The cast of characters may have changed, but the story is still the same. Hopefully no one bothered to rewrite the ending. It wasn't the best of endings, but I'm still here.

"And crying out to the sky because he was lonely and scared, but only the devil responded because God wasn't there. And right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold, and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul."
- Immortal Technique
I think I've discovered my issue with religion. In a few of my last few columns, I think its become fairly obvious that I've become disenchanted with organized religion. Not in a "bad" way to where I'm atheist/agnostic -- its just that I've taken off the rose colored glasses. I don't go to church like I should. I haven't been the best person I should have been. I do still carry my Rosary around, but to say it gets much use would be an understatement. But with that being said, in dire times the first thing I do is pray. Often and hard. Sometimes aloud. And why? If I were a higher being, why would I listen to someone's cries who pays little to no attention to me? I don't know, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not a higher being. Sometimes when its honest and earnest enough, a good prayer does get answered. And when it doesn't, its usually for a reason. A reason that becomes clear with time...

"There's no room left here on my back. It was damaged long ago. Though you swear you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you."
- New Found Glory
There's sometimes in life you look at your friends and go, "I made some good choices here." I've got an awesome gambit of friends. Friends who come pick me up at 3:22am when I'm drunk off my ass. Friends who slap me upside the back of the head when I do something stupid. And friends who listen when I've got mountains of emotions and feelings in front of me that I don't know how to get around. For that I'm thankful. Now I just need to work on being a better friend to them sometimes, but as we all know I've never been one for lots of people. I need to be. I've got lots of people who are for me.

"It's much better to face these kind of things with a sense a poise and rationality."
- Panic! at the Disco
The real world may not be anywhere near as fun as college, but you definitely get your fair share of curveballs. Some scenarios play out that you have absolutely no control over. Be it work, social, personal -- all you can do is watch and wait. Well, while you're waiting attempt to smile through it. No need to be all "frowny" while sitting on the sidelines.

"Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you do with with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds still don't."
- Baz Luhrmann
I have no clue what I want to do with my life. None whatsoever. I have ideas of what I wouldn't mind doing. I have goals that I want to accomplish before I'm 47, but no clue what road I'll be taking to get there. And in a little way, this bothers me. At the same time, it doesn't. I've always been one to live in "stages." Once I get to a stage, I survey my surroundings, acquaint myself with the customs and mannerisms, and do my best to succeed. Only problem is, at this point in life there's not much to do. This "stage" has no defined beginning or ending. It's purgatory. My entire purpose ever since I received my diploma has been to "kill time" before going back to school. Nothing more, nothing less. Any success would have been brushed off as luck and any failures would have been written off as a learning experience. And in the 2 yrs time, I've had my share of both... I'm quite ready to move on.

"Stop. With your feet in the air and your head on ground. Try this trick and spin it. Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it. And you'll ask yourself...where is my mind?"
- The Pixies
I can manage to control and flesh out three alter-egos, come up with all sorts of crazy stories and situations, but the one time I need to shut my mind down I can't. My head collapsing in on itself right now is quite possible.

"I'm mean this. I'm okay! Trust me."
- My Chemical Romance
As I go back and re-read over my previous RAW column, two things spring to mind.
1) Every wish that's granted isn't always a good thing
2) Follow your own advice.

14 June 2006

2006-06-14T00:22:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Fort Minor - "Where'd You Go"

"But think twice, that's my only advice."
- Gnarls Barkley
Life's been weird lately. I've had a friend of mine who I grew up with get pregnant. I've got a family member following foot for foot in one of his parent's footsteps (and that's not a good thing). And those two things are just the tip of the iceberg. Ah well, life happens. Times like this are where you just shrug everything off, be thankful that you're blessed to not have the same misfortunes, and keep moving forward.

"And I've become content with this life that I lead..."
- Straylight Run
At work we're getting ready to hire a new person and we just hired a newbie a few weeks back. That being said, I've been able to have a few conversations with my boss about my interview process. Apparently it went a lot better than I thought it did (I guess since I got the job out of 42 applicants, that goes without saying). We talked about our respective thoughts after the interview was over and she even filled me in on the Coastal Region Manager's point of view. At the end there was myself and another candidate, and while they both liked the other person, I was hired because "he's too good to let him go somewhere else." According to my manager, the CRM saw a lot of potential in me and if he couldn't get me into the Florence office, he was going to get me somewhere.
Well that's good to know, but I can feel the let down coming already. I have no desire to make claims handling a career. Its fun and everyday is definitely different, but its not me. Its just a filler job until I get struck by lightning and figure out exactly what it is I want to devote my life too. On the flipside, I'm not looking forward to letting my manager and the CRM down when I do decide to depart. I've never been a big fan of leaving somewhere without fulfilling my potential -- as to me "potential" is just "greatness that hasn't been realized."

"Meet me at the altar in your white dress..."
- Jagged Edge
So one of my best friends is getting married. To say I'm excited about it is an understatement. Its almost kind of cool. Not only am I sure its going to be an outstanding ceremony, but its also going to be a time of celebration. Add to this I've already been asked to be the best man, this shindig is going definitely going to be good times. And call me psychic, but I've got a feeling this will be one of the more "random" weddings I've been to. Between an AKA stepshow possibly breaking out and having (hopefully) the entire 52B-Unit in attendance, randomliarity is almost guaranteed. As is the playing of "Roxanne" by The Police at the reception...

"Be a good man, to one time, to one woman, and that'll be the end of the road."
- Janis Joplin
And while I'm on the subject of weddings and relationships, let's talk about me for a second (only because subtlety doesn't seem to work). I don't like meeting people at bars or clubs. Especially not randomly. It's not my style. I don't like "spitting game" because a) I have none, and b) its pointless. I don't like random hookups (well I do, but not really). I'm not a fan of one night stands. I actually judge women on things other than how round their ass is or how ample their breasts are (though my alter-ego would have you believe otherwise). The game of how many notches I can put in a headboard isn't one I've ever really had a desire to play.
If we're going to play matchmaker, give me an equal. Find me a girl I can have conversations with. A girl who is about doing something with her life and isn't just planning on working at Applebee's for as long as possible. Wit and sarcasm are an added bonus, but if she doesn't have them fine -- I've got enough for the both of us (she's gotta be random though). I don't need a beauty queen, cause Lord knows my ego is already through the roof, but she's got to take care of herself. And that's it. Hell, she doesn't even have to have all of the preceding qualities -- just something for me to work with. Hooking me up with Random Girl #4 to me at a bar does nothing for me. She maybe cute, but if I even get the inkling that she's dumb as a box of rocks I can't even feign interest anymore. I appreciate the random (and I stress the word random) games of matchmaker, but if she's not a good foil for me, I'm better off riding solo.

"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believed that they're real."
- The Cure
Lately I've had a thing for pictures. Not so much the pictures themselves, but the "moment." Sometimes you take a picture and everything about that moment freezes in time. Its almost as if you're looking at your life from the third person and you can see the picture develop before it even shows up in the viewfinder. But not only that, you remember the sounds, the feelings, the lights...everything about that moment just sticks with you. Its almost as if when you do get to finally see the actual picture, no matter how great it is, you're kind of upset that it doesn't live up to what you had already imagined in your head.

"They say your luck is found, the third time around."
- Angie Aparo
I've made mistakes before. Some I'm on the verge of repeating again. Its definitely best to keep an eye out for situations where you might regret not acting. You'll thank yourself later.

"But the abscence of your tears gave you away."
- Vendetta Red
I've been really mean to someone lately. What'd I do? Nothing. Which was probably the meanest thing I could have done. At first I don't think they understood, but then they looked me in the eyes. I'm pretty certain they could see the emptiness behind them. After that, everything became crystal clear and no one said a word -- which was probably the best for everyone invovled.

I like updating this blog. I always feel better. A good change of pace...

7th May 2006

2006-05-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Story of the Year - "Sidewalks"

Hear the sons of dear ol' Clemson reign supreme alway... - CU Alma Mater
From May 11, 2004

*Will I miss Clemson now as much as I have in the past? While extremely nice, it was never so much the area or the surroundings that I missed when I left. It was my friends and the activities that were going on there. Now that the majority of my friends and I no longer call Clemson home for 9 months out of the year, how long will it be before Clemson becomes a place I talk about in the past tense?

And with this upcoming (or past graduation, depending on when I post this) graduation, the slate will be/has been cleared. The second wave of people that I became friends will have gotten their diploma -- thus effectively ending any desire or push I have to go back for a weekend. This will be both a good and bad thing. Bad because I do like going up there, but good because with everyone dispersed it'll give me more places to go.

"I'm too depressed to go on. You'll be sorry when I'm gone." - Blink-182
A couple of weeks back I gave $10 to a charity. Not for any specific purpose -- they asked, I gave. I have money budgeted for church and since I haven't been going too much lately, I might as well put it some of it to good use somewhere else. I didn't think my $10 would really help their cause too much, but I gave anyways. It gave me a good warm fuzzy feeling inside, but not as much as when I found out how much money they raised and how many people donated. I felt kinda cool to be apart of something like that.

"I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone." - Bruce Springstein
It's been two years since graduation (to the day...funny how that worked out) and I still have moments where I miss my friends. They're irreplaceable and even if they weren't, that's a pretty big void to fill. Outside of Tyrell and Amanda, there's not too many people nearby that I can call up just to chill with on a weekend. And due to distance, there's pretty much no one I can just hang out with after work for a beer or a round of NCAA Football. My working conditions of being the only person below the age of 32 don't really help to remedy this sitatuion either. But for the time being, I'll deal.

"Pretty woman give your smile to me." - Roy Orbison
Surprisingly, I've had a lot of positive reaction to "The Beautification." It's almost as if its been dressed up as a game of "what new toy is that cheap bastard Terence FINALLY going to spend money on." Which I guess is a good thing, though its way off of the intented mark. It's a betterment process. Everything from wardrobe to a new car to remodeling all three of my blogs is being given a new coat of paint. And while the majority of the things I can just walk into the store and buy or sit down and work on, the one part of "The Beautification" I'd like to have the most (sometimes) isn't something I can pick up on a whim...

"I'm searching for something that's missing..." - Stacie Orrico
I need a job where I can play a lot or where I can use my creativity as I see fit. I enjoy working for Progressive. It's definitely something different. It's also rather beneficial as before I got this job I knew zilch about cars. But it's not keeping my interest. Am I planning on up and bouncing? No, not quite, life is too good there for me to do that. But I am definitely patiently waiting for a slot to open up in Greenville (along w/ May 21st to get here so I can transfer). I'm thinking I just need a change of scenery more than anything else. The Pee Dee isn't my cup of tea.

"I'm on my way, I'm making it. I've got to make it show." - Peter Gabriel
I've had this feeling lately that I'm on the cusp of something big.

But if I don't pay attention, it'll pass me by.

13 March 2006

2006-03-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Animals - "House of the Rising Sun"

"I have become comfortably numb." - Pink Floyd
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just settle. To just stop pushing forward and deal with wherever I am in life. I mean in the grand scheme of things, I wouldn't be a bad life. I already have my Bachelor's degree. I've got a good job that pays well. There's a girl who loves me with all her heart, I'm sure if need be I could just stop and have a family with her. We could move to Florence and live happily ever after. Who needs goals, dreams, and aspirations? All of that is overrated. Notsomuch. While I could stop right now, I'd probably put a slug through my head if I just sat back and settled with everything. I'd feel as if I was leaving something on the table. I want to at least try, fail, try again, and possibly fail again before just tossing in the towel.

"And recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you"
- Baz Luhrmann
In the same breath, I look back at certain people and go, "What happened?" While I'm not a fan of anyone settling, I'm even less of a fan of people just wasting their potential. People who have the tools and the talent to make something of themselves and just - don't. They take the cards as they are and go from there. No planning. No further training. No education. No goals. No nothing. And the sad thing is, these are the same people who go, "Well things just never work out for me." How can they? If you're not putting any effort into yourself, why should someone else?

"Somebody told me success is the best revenge." - Kanye West
But at the same time, I shouldn't be so judgmental. To me what I see as wasted potential (in some people - others are just lazy) is actually how they planned life all along. Some people their only goal is to get married and have a family. That's all. Or they just want to find a good job in a plant and do that for 35 years. And while I see that as selling yourself short, to others that's all they want out of life. And really, nothing's wrong with that. As much as society says otherwise, there is no real "measuring stick" as far as success goes. No one says you have to have a six-figure income, 2 cars, 2.5 kids, and a beach house to be successful. The only real measuring stick you have is inside of you. 30 years from now, if you can look back and go, "I accomplished everything I wanted to do in life and I'm happy in how I did so," well then I'd consider that a success.

"That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight." - R.E.M.
Religion is complicated. It's been hard for me as of late to find a church I feel comfortable in. I grew up a fairly even mix of Catholic and Methodist (both African and United), so I'm pretty much open to anything as far as Christianity goes. But at the same time, I don't discredit anyone else's religion just because it isn't what I personally believe in. Why should I slight Judaism, Buddism, or Mulism teachings just because I didn't grow up that way. Also, I like learning - I want to read the Koran because (from what I gather) its almost a supplemental book to The Bible and the Torah. But even with all the stuff the goes on inside my head, its not there that makes it complicated - it's the outside part. People who go to church just to look good. People who shake your hand and smile and talk bad about you behind your back. Bringing political agendas inside the church. Do I like George Bush? No, not really - but I really don't care to find out if the Pastor likes Bush or not. How do I feel about abortion? I'm pro-choice. You're gay? Fine, just keep your penis away from me. Those are my stances. Unfortunately, most churches don't see it the same way. That's what gets to me. I think what I'm looking for is just a church that uses parables and metaphors to get the point across. Give me some direction, and let me find my own way. Don't try to put blinders on me and tell me that this is the only way. It doesn't work like that.

"Cease to exist. Give them my goodbye." - Pixies
I had a friend tell me the other day that I have a switch inside of me. A switch that determines who I want to associate with and who I don't. A switch that determines when I want to show emotions and when I don't. I told her she's right. Damn near 100% right. It's real simple to be to "turn off" someone when I want to. It doesn't take much. It's just that if it gets to a point where people stop acting rational, the switch gets flicked to off. Why should I waste time and energy to relate to someone who doesn't want to be related to? When they're ready to act like they have some reasoning based on some form of logic, I'm more than willing to associate with them. I don't have time for games.

Financial Tip: The key to saving is to save before you spend, instead of saving what you have left after spending. Pay yourself first.

"Room by room patiently. I'll wait for you there, like a stone. I'll wait for you there. Alone. Alone."
- Audioslave
As of late, I've been happiest when I've been the most alone. It's been comforting. When I get home from work, I turn my phone off (or I screen my calls). I don't spend much time on AIM. I blog sporadically. I drop in and say hi to my family, but unless they come find me, that's usually the last I see of them until the next morning. I've been spending a lot of my free time reflecting on things, exercising, or just sitting in front of a box fan playing PlayStation. Occassionally, I like to sit on the sidelines of life and watch everything go by. Which is funny, cause this time last year I was miserable because I was forced to watch from the sidelines. Things change when you have an option.

23 January 2006

2006-01-23T14:12:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: World Wrestling Entertainment - John Cena - "My Time Is Now"
"It's the franchise, boy I'm shinin' now. You can't see me, my time is now." - John Cena

In what might be a first for the RAW column, I'm about as happy as you can get. I'm not waxing poetic over a girl. I'm not sad from graduation. I'm not missing my friends (well, I do, but you know what I mean). I'm not depressed from a shitty job. I'm not upset over plans not working out to perfection. It's almost as if I've paid my dues and now things are falling into place. But, I say almost. There's still a long journey down a long and winding road ahead. Right now I'm just at a rest stop on the highway of life. This is the point where you get out, stretch your legs, and smell the flowers before going forward.

"Don't look at me that way. It was an honest mistake." - The Bravery
Life's full of mistakes. Over the past few months I've met a lot of new people. Mostly from my job, but also from other sources such as acquaintances or friends of friends. Either way, there's plenty of points in life where you just screw up royally. Marrying to young. Marrying the wrong person. Taking the wrong job. Moving to the wrong place. Making the wrong friends. And you know what, I've noticed two groups of people. People who sit and wallow in their failures. Crying over spilt milk if you will. And people who get over it, laugh it off, and tell their stories of failure only at the bar in a game of "Top This."

"Put us together, how they gonna stop both us? The '03 Bonnie & Cylde" - Jay-Z
I met a girl on one of my recent trips to Cleveland. And she was all types of awesome if just for the fact she was good and fiery. She was Hispanic too, but that's an added bonus. Anyways, its been a while since I've had someone I could spar off against or someone who'd correct me when I stuck my foot in my mouth. Almost two years. A nice little blast from the past if you will.

"Damn it feels good to be a gangsta." - Geto Boyz
Progressive might be a company I could stay at forever. Very well organized. Very well managed. They LOVE rewarding their people. And their training program is awesome. I've been there for almost 2 months and all I've done so far is train. And I like it. Because when go-time comes I'll have no excuse for not knowing what I'm doing. Big difference from Carolina Culinary when was definitely a trial by fire. Not that I didn't succeed there, but almost having my face burned off (seriously) was something I could have done without.

"Sometimes you can't make it on your own" - U2
I feel like I should go to church more. No major thought process or anything behind that. Just making a statement. I tithe like I'm "supposed" to, but I think it'd be better if I just went more often. Tis good to give thanks.

"That's Slim Shady. Yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy. Shady made me." - Eminem
Yeah, Piddy's all but gone. No grandeur. No flashy exit. Well, I guess getting tossed through the French announce table would count as being kinda flashy. But yeah, he's been kinda low-key lately.

That being said, as much as I like to pretend like I have no control or say over my alter-egos I can turn them on and off at my leisure. They're more of a mindset than a lifestyle. And even though life's pretty great right, now is the (hopefully last) time I have to reach back and grab the SCM Heavyweight Title. The time is right & I've got 3 things (maybe 4) that gotta complete before the end of the year and truthfully out of my 3 b-sides, Piddy's the only one suited for the job.

So yeah. If over the next 4-5 months I regress a little bit and become a complete jerk, heavy on the sarcasm with a taste of conceitedness on the side, deal with it. It's more of a means to an end…

Unfortunately, some of you realized that firsthand before I was able to give an explanation. *shrugs*

15 November 2005

2005-11-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Brand New - "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows"

"You're beautiful. But its time to face the truth. I will never be with you." - James Blunt
Life's funny. Something that would have eaten me up inside a year ago almost brings a great sense of comfort now. It makes me genuinely happy to know when people are getting along smashingly well and that life is being good to them.

"Youth is like diamonds in the sun. And diamonds are forever." - Alphaville
I think I'm coming to terms with growing up. Willingly. There are a lot of things I don't enjoy doing anymore. Then at the same time, there are new things that I enjoy doing now voluntarily. And unlike before, I don't think I want to fight against it. It's almost as if I'm embracing a type of death. I kinda want to find out what's on the other side. What I've heard and experienced already hasn't been the best of times, but I don't think I was mentally prepared at the time. This go-round should be different.

"I need time. Love. Joy. I need space. Love. I. Need. Me." - Britney Spears
Back in September, or whenever it was I last updated this thing, I wanted to write about girls. Not about how great or awful they are, just how I really don't want one. It came out really homosexual, plus something else came up, so I scrapped that idea and went with whatever was posted there. This time, I'm just going to type whatever comes naturally, no matter how gay it sounds.

Right now, I really want very little to do with the female side of the species. At least as far as dating goes. And sometimes I think I'm broken, because I think I'm the only one seeing it the way I'm seeing it. Between Tyrell (aka Big Game James) coercing me to get back into the dating/random play scene (seeing as how I was harshly removed during my CCF tenure) and people asking, "Who am I seeing?" or "Is there a new lady?" I feel like I should be out there making an effort, but I just really don't want to. At least not right now. I've got a lot of soul-searching (I guess you can call it that) to do, and a lot of things I want to accomplish relatively soon, and I'm not sure how/if I could do either of those while trying to effectively split time with someone else/looking for someone. I'm lazy. I only have so much energy to focus in one direction.

Now I'm sure there's an exception to my idea of the moment out there - someone who'd actually get me to expend energy without making a big fuss about it. Actually, I'm pretty certain. But that's neither here nor there, seeing as how fate would have to lend a hand in getting that wheel turning. But for now, I'll just watch the dating pool from the deck.

"There must be an angel, with a smile on her face..." - James Blunt
And completely looking the opposite direction of my preceding paragraphs, a few weeks back I saw a pair of the prettiest eyes I've seen in a long time. They were just so calm and soft. Just, I don't know, peaceful to look at.

"You need to loosen up and live a little. And if you got kids let 'em know how you feel and for your own sake give a lil."
- 40 Thievez
Last year I donated to the Child's Play charity. Outside of helping my employees learn some necessary English words and mannerisms, it might have been the most personally fulfilling thing I did all year. I chose to donate to the Texas Children's Hospital. I didn't go big, because I wanted to try to help as many little ones as I could. I purchased a few educational DVDs, board games, coloring books, etc. and it made me feel really good. It made me feel even better when I got the cards from the parents of the children I helped. This year, I think I'll try to double my efforts. And the hospital of choice this year - Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. Sure, they didn't the bowl game berth I wanted them to get, but it can still be a good holiday season for someone in that area. So if you've got a little extra to give this year, give. Even if you don't have extra, still give some. You probably have more than you need and don't even know it.

"Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes. Cause I'm Mr. Brightside." - The Killers
So about the job thing. Yeah, I switched from AXA to Progressive. Am I upset? No. The whole thing was a learning experience. I lost some money and some valuable time, but I learned a lot about myself. Most importantly, no matter how much I want (or think I want) to change my entire personality, it ain't happening unless there's a great reason to do so. I'm not wired for sales. I figured this much before I even tried the AXA thing (hell, before graduation even), but I wanted to at least give it a good run to be certain. After the first two appointments, I knew that Financial Advising wasn't for me. Well, actually, I liked the advising part. I just didn't like the sales part that went along with it. Coincidentally, this realization overlapped with me taking the Series 66. After I lost any and all desire for the position (and you can almost tell when this happens if you look through my old blog posts), I just didn't care. I took the 66 still, but only because I had already paid for it. I knew that test was a lost cause before I even got there. Actually, I think that in my away message that day, I was more concerned w/ driving to Atlanta than passing that test. Considering that NASD requirements state that you have to wait a month before you can retake a test, I knew this would buy me enough time to look around w/o raising any suspicions as to why I wasn't soliciting any clients. Without the 66 certification, I couldn't.

Now unlike CCF, I don't hold any ill will or bad feelings against AXA. They're a good company with good people. It's just that the position they had wasn't for me. No biggie. That's life.

Now about this whole working in Florence thing, I haven't decided whether to be upset or excited about it. Eastern South Carolina is the one part of the state I know very little about. I love the upstate, tolerate the midlands, and loathe the low country. Everything east of Sumter to the beach has always just "been there." I do know Florence is bigger than Sumter and they hold WWE events. So that's a plus. But it ain't Greenville. And while I was really looking forward to ending up there soon, that's no longer a concern of mine. Things happen for a reason, and why I don't know the reason I wound up in Florence (especially when they mentioned in the interview that the Greenville area was the only part of the state w/ a high turnover rate), I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. Maybe Francis Marion has a great MBA program I don't know about. Who knows?

"The devil grows inside the hearts of the selfish and wicked;
white, brown, yellow, and black colored is not restricted.
You have a self-destructive destiny when you're inflicted
and you'll be one of God's children that fell from the top.
There's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot.
So when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never,
because the dance with the devil might last you forever."
- Immortal Technique
Sometimes I wonder how and why people respond the way they do when their prayers are answered.

27 September 2005

2005-09-27T13:04:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Scar - "Be Prepared" (The Lion King Soundtrack)

Originally, a different topic was scheduled for this RAW column. But due to some unexpected situations, I've requested that I be given this time to clear my mind. Speak my peace on something things. Don't worry, Terence will be back next time to talk about whatever the hell he was gonna whine about. Probably something overly sensitive or borderline homosexual. Either way, it probably wasn't worth reading anyways.

"What's fifty million dollars?"

That quote written on "paper" doesn't boggle the mind the same way it does when it's spoken aloud. But hey, when do you ever hear that spoken aloud in a non-joking fashion anyways?

I have. And you don't realize just how much of a culture shock - no, culture destroyer that is. And I could tell that it wasn't just me who had their entire reality shattered by that. Here I am, sitting down with 3 other "kids" around a board table, as an Executive VP of one of largest financial institutions in the world kicks back and goes, "yeah, so what's fifty million dollars when you have half year earnings and profits in the billions?" And I think the thing that caught us off guard the most was that he wasn't talking about a $50 million dollar loss. It's weird seeing people talk about a $50 million dollar inflow of money with such normalcy.

I know I've talked a big game over the past few months. And while I can actually back most of that up with numbers, or information that I know and the like, this is something I completely wasn't prepared for. Now its almost as if there's been a paradigm shift. I've had my boss in the upstate say similar things, but it never really smacked me upside the head like this. As I looked around the table at my peers while the EVP was briefing us on different corporation plans and such, its almost as if you could read all our faces clear as day. It was a look that clearly said, "Holy shit. This is big time." I like this. But I'd be a liar if I didn't say I wasn't scared shitless too.

///// Mr. Polk's Financial Tip of the Moment: Reading is important /////

I can hear the collective "duh" from the 2 of you that stumbled across this update, but hear me out. I'm not talking about being able to read written language. While that is important, I'm talking about being able to read numbers. This was a lesson I had passed on to me earlier in the summer and I'm thankful for person who taught me that. You don't really realize how many people can't read numbers. I watch a lot of CNBC now. Have been for the better part of my time between jobs. And while I'm no expert in everything, I have a solid grasp of what's going on and why. My parents, not so much. They're not the only ones. There was definitely a 15 minute school session with my friends on how to read the stock ticker, the market graphs, P/E Ratios, stock splits, round lot Bid/Ask prices and the like. I'm sure that was an interesting scene. Six black guys in the room following the market. To steal a line from Piddy, they would have had their hood passes taken away had I not already had mine revoked. Thus making the whole thing acceptable. Anyways, back to the point. While now I know reading numbers is important to 0% of the population our age, I'd still at least look into learning how to do so. If not now, for the future. Mortages, Retirement plans, Investments. There's a lot of numbers there. If you can't read them, some "very trustworthy" salesman would love to be able to tell you what they say.

"...And when you start an army
When you set out to do what no one else can do
The first thing you do is you look to your blood.
You look to your buddies.
You look to your friends.
You look to The Kliq..."
- Triple H
I love my friends. All of ya'll. But I'll be honest, I break ya'll up into groups. I've been doing that since high school, and if you know me, you knew that already. It's not anything done on purpose, its moreso me analyzing then grouping. It happens.

But now I can say I've actually constructed a group. And I wouldn't be telling all this if there wasn't a greater (financial) purpose behind it. Somewhere in all my reading that happened before I woke up one day and decided, "fuck working, I got to find a way to retire early," I read that the best way to go on a journey is with others. Whether it be a physical, spiritual, or emotional journey, the trip is always easier as a group. Seeing as how this "change of reality" isn't going to be a short trip, I decided to construct my own "Dream Team." I've got my coaches (mom, stock broker, middle mgmt at my new employer) and my players. There wasn't a big scientific selection process either. It was just the 6 people closest to me when I decided to embark on my journey. (In other words, the people who got first crack at listening to me ramble on and on about all this.) Which is amazing, because when I decided all this should be put into effect, I was still chained up at CCF. Thus, I wasn't close to anyone except about three people. I later added Amanda as my fourth player after we left CCF, but that's another story. Chad (that's two, can you guess the other two?) has ideas on who else I'm looking at, but I might just leave it at 4. We'll see as time goes on.

Now I didn't tell this story to put anyone down, to outrank anyone, or anything like that. While this may be my first "constructed group" it's the only one that doesn't have a buddy list category. So yeah, it's not a group of mine that holds water really. I shared this moreso to share my thought process with everyone. It's always good to have a variety of people close to you just to bounce ideas off of. People who'll give you an honest opinion. At the same time, it's always good to have people around to help act as your eyes and ears. I can't catch everything.

And it's amazing what comes up too. Whether it's something big like, "Hey, there's a lot of unused land out here, let's get together and brainstorm what kind of business to open up" or "Hey, you should call up the owner of Fashion Shack and see if he wants to sell instead of leasing, its in a good location," to little things like "hey, there's cases of beer on sale in Columbia for $5.00, you want some for the next time you go to Clemson?" I've been extremely pleased with the results of this "project." They were all great friends before, but now there's like an added-value here. Now if I could only find a way to get everyone out to dinner at once. While it'd be fun/funny as hell, I'd kill to find out what kind of business ideas we could come up with together.

"Big rims, more ice. V12s or better. No itch, strictly leather." - Big Tymers
Walking through the Bank of America parking garage is always interesting. At 5:30 you see everyone leaving. Big wigs, middle management, yuppies, twenty-somethings. You name it, they're leaving. And they're all driving the fancy cars. Lexuses. BMWs. Jaguars. Escalades. Cadillacs. Buicks. While impressive, I have to ask myself, "If these people are smart and/or powerful enough to where they're making these nice salaries, why are they wasting it on these expensive fancy cars?" But who am I to judge what other people like? Some people might have an alter-ego that likes to show of fancy cars. I have an alter-ego that likes to show off wrestling belts. To each their own I say.

"Some things slide by so carelessly. Smile like you mean it." - The Killers
One last note. There's a complete change in attitude when comparing Bank of America Plaza to Carolina Culinary. At CCF, when I saw people, I spoke. When people saw me, they spoke. That's just how it worked. Not so much at BoA Plaza. I've been there about 7 times and outside of the security guards, one person has randomly said "Hi." Now I'm not talking about people in the office, they're great people. Just people you pass in the hall or on the elevator. What happened to southern hospitality? But as they say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." Do I smile or greet people now? Sometimes, but I'm not going to go out of my way to do so. And it's cool, because now I don't have to feign happiness or hold meaningless conversations with complete strangers. But at the same time it's not cool, because I genuinely like people. Holding conversations with complete strangers is what I do.

5 August 2005

2005-08-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Straylight Run - "It's For The Best"

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand,
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best

"Don't give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." - Unknown
I miss Michele. Terribly much. While there are the obvious reasons as to why - I really miss her being. If that makes sense. It seems as if she's the only one of my friends who I realize they're really far away. Cecil, Kel Kel, and Cassie are always online, Tristan and I keep up through phone calls / txt messages, Denny calls drunk, Phil's up at 4am, and Mike calls me at 2:30 in the morning for help on how to set up a wireless router. I don't know where I really want to go with this paragraph anymore. I think I had it summed up in the first five words. The rest, while truthful, was pretty much filler.

"I have become comfortably numb..." - Pink Floyd
It's really odd that a lot of my friends are defined by their jobs now. I can't talk much, because I think over the past year I was in that same group. Damn I whined a lot. Anyhoo its odd, because that's all we talk about a lot of the time. And we don't seem to mind or notice. While that's fine, it's just weird.

"All in all, you're just another dick with no balls." - Bloodhound Gang
I really love it when I find out that other people think that someone else sucks too. It makes me feel good to think that "no, I'm not being mean - that person is wasting valuable air." It almost amuses me that I'm not the only one who wants to punch people in the face sometimes too. While a good uppercut won't knock the sketchiness out of someone, it'll sure as hell make me feel better.

"Don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on." - Modest Mouse
I'm really nervous about starting this new job with AXA. And I don't know if its so much being nervous, as it is being flat-out scared. I have to pass three tests. By word of mouth I heard they range anywhere from really easy to excruciatingly hard. Well that's nice to know. Then I've got a pre-contractual phase. This can last anywhere from a day or two to up to two months. Well at least I get paid during all this. Then there's loads of training to do after I get under contract. There are times when I just want to pull up CareerNet or something and just start over. But that would be taking the easy way out. I'll ride it out and see what happens. I just keep telling myself, "Being scared is a good thing. That means you're expanding yourself." Here's to hoping I'm right.

"Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star, if I could just get out of this place." - Billy Joel
Now that I'm back in Sumter during daylight hours, I've run into a lot of people from my past. It's interesting to see a lot of these people. A lot of them decided to just settle down here and stay in Sumter. Most without higher education - by choice. Me, I'm about to go insane here. I question myself as to why they decided to stay here when there's so much of the world to just see, let alone live. But then, I step back and think, "If they're happy here, who am I to question them?"

"Best friends means you get what you deserve" - Taking Back Sunday
Some people you just can't be compatible with. You find out you can't be lovers. You find out that being friends doesn't work so hot either. There's no need to try to walk that fine line in between. When that happens one person is exerting more than their fair share of energy. Relationships work when people meet halfway, whether its friendship, romantically, or whatever. I say that sometimes it's best just to stop trying. Or maybe I'm just saying this because you're right, I don't want to meet you in the middle.

16 July 2005

2005-07-16T12:58:00.000-05:00

Still hosted over at the Geocities page

Link

It was too much to copy and paste. Maybe a later date.

- T

31 May 2005

2005-05-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: World Wrestling Entertainment - "No Chance In Hell" (Corporation Theme)

"I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking..."
- May 12, 2005

Well that next RAW column has come and before I dive into that headfirst, I want to speak about my job. Or lack thereof. By the time this is read by anyone, I will have put in my two-week's notice. The seventeenth of June in the year 2005 will be my last day. As much as I hate(d) my job, I find the ending to be almost bittersweet. I can hear my crew going, "what about us, why are you leaving?" I can hear the managers in the front office going, "Don't leave yet. What about the company? What about your action plans you were implementing?" You know what...

Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

I love my crew to death. They're almost like having kids of my own. I've learned each and every one of their moves and its almost like they've become apart of me. But you know, they can't help me out anymore than they already have. And as far as the managers in the front office - well Piddy's spoken on them before, and his thoughts are mine, so I'll leave that subject to rest. What about the company? Hell, they're just going to use me and spit me out when I'm done. They want my interests to be their interests, and unfortunately it doesn't work the other way around. And as of now, the most important person to me is - me.

Why the self-serving attitude? Like I said, I've been lazy. I've lost my spark, I've lost my fire, and I've lost my desire. My desire to do anything. Well you know what they say the best cure for laziness is. A little bit of greed.

But enough of that. I'll get to that later on down the road. As of now, I've got goals to outline and I want to write them here. Not only for me to see, but also for everyone - friends, enemies, acquaintances - to see. When things are written down in an open forum, not only do I have something to hold myself accountable too, but I also have a whole group of people who will do the same. It's scary how many people asked me if I put in my two-weeks notice two weeks ago when my profile said I was "quitting" June 1. I said I was quitting, and considering I'm doing all the necessary stuff on May 31, I'd say I'm ahead of schedule.

But anyways, back to these little lessons. As much as I'd like to say I came up with these on my own, I'll be honest and say I copied them straight, word-for-word from Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Quite possibly one of the best books I've read in a long time. It's not a get rich fast book or anything; it just opens your eyes to another side of thing. In simple terms, it's the whole "Red-pill, Blue-pill" scene from The Matrix in 195 pages. And while I'd love to be able to sum it up to save everyone $17.00, Terence started a tradition of keeping these things 1 page in length. I'm not about to change that.

Lesson 1 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich have money work for them.
"Most people fail to realize that in life, it's not how much money you make, it's how much money you keep and how many generations you keep it."

Lesson 2 - If you want to be rich, you need to be financially literate.
Lesson2.1 - "You must know the difference between an asset and a liability and buy assets. Rich people acquire assets. The poor and middle class acquire liabilities that they think are assets."
This is easily the single most important lesson I gained from this book. Sure I can invest and use my money wisely, but I'll never be able to do that effectively if I can't tell the difference between something as simple as APR and APY. I've had a Wall Street Journal subscription for 2 weeks now. Sure, I don't understand most of it and why things happen, but I know more now than I did two weeks ago

Lesson 3 - Mind Your Own Business
"Financial struggle is often directly the result of people working all their lives for someone else. There is a difference between your profession and your business. The mistake in becoming what you study is that many people forget to mind their own business. They spend their lives minding someone else's business and making that person rich."
One of those things I wish I had heard many, many months ago. I work 12-14 hour nights with a two-hour commute and for what? A paycheck that gets taxed heavily (you try getting $1200 taken out of one paycheck and tell me that isn't ridiculous). No time left for myself and barely any time to sleep. That stops now.

You must also strive to increase your Financial Intelligence.

Financial IQ is made up of 4 parts: Accounting, Investing, Understanding Markets, and Law. Respectively, you have to work on increasing your financial literacy, financial science, understanding of supply and demand, and your understanding on how you can protect yourself (and your assets).

Lesson 4 - Own your own corporation wrapped around your assets.
Right now I can see all my black friends going, "ah-ha, so that's how white folks do it." Thing is, its not so much the corporation, but the advantages that corporations have that individuals do not.

Lesson 5 - The poor and middle class work for money. The rich make money.
While this sounds like Lesson 1, the points behind it are different. Basically, this part of the book talks about the fact that money isn't real. The more real you think money is, the harder you will work for it. "Great opportunities are not seen with your eyes. They are seen with your mind."

Lesson 6 - Work to Learn. Don't Work to Earn.
So true. And thankfully, this was a lesson I was following before I read the book. I worked in a meat plant not to pay the bills - but because I wanted and at the time needed the experience. And while I bitch and moan about how much that place sucks, I can't say it was a completely bad experience. It's true what they say in that no experience is a bad experience. Sure it sucked, but I learned a lot. Most of it was what NOT to do in a company, but lessons were learned regardless.

Okay, now that I finished that, what do I have? Six lessons that I copied down from a book with no real relation to me. That's where these come in to play...

From RAW 15
Short list of goals for the next 10 years - Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt. Buy Ms Pac-Man arcade machine. (Say what you wish, but they're tangible, I'm single, and I get a nice paycheck that I do nothing with...) Get MBA. Get job #2 in upstate South Carolina. Attend WrestleMania XV. Get job #3 outside of South Carolina. Vow to never reclaim residency in South Carolina. Find good girlfriend. Make her my fiancee. Get married. Let her live the "Glamorous Life". Have Chug. Buy Boat.

Now I make goals for myself. Always have for the most part. And at the time I wrote these (June 2, 2004) they seemed to be pretty good goals. Looking back on them - they suck. First off, none of them are SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time Oriented). Second of all, I had no clue that I was blatantly not following Lesson 2.1. There's not a real asset on that list. Sad thing is, I was on this big kick of having tangible assets. Here are some quick definitions for you.

Asset - Something that puts money into your pocket.
Liability - Something that takes money out of your pocket.

So what do I do about these goals I set for myself? I do what any smart person does. I evaluate the situation, make decisions, and adjust as necessary.

RAW 24 Goals
· Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt for less than $200 by July '04 (This has to stay on the list, because hell, I already accomplished it.)
· Open a "classic" arcade / family fun park by Summer 2014. Preferably with trustworthy business partners. - Aerospace and Shit Like That anyone? Those who know will understand.
· Receive my MBA from a Southeastern University with a respectable business school by 2009. Graduate with Honors.
· Find Job #2 in the Financial Services, Banking, or Insurance industries in Greenville, South Carolina by September 2005. (I don't want to live anywhere else in the state and the upstate was too vague. i.e. - Gaffney, SC is not on my short list of places I want to live. I don't care how many peaches they have. And plus, one of those industries in a city [Greenville] that is on the verge of breaking out into something bigger than its current form would do wonders for me. I'd learn so much about money and finances and have the world at my fingertips as to where I want to go next.)
· Attend WrestleMania XV and WWE SlamJam or the WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony in March/April of 2009. Be sure to bring at least one friend / family member.
· Position yourself to be able to land a position in Atlanta, Charlotte, or Florida. (As of now, I have no desire to leave the South. I like it here, but who knows what'll happen in a few years time. I might have to adjust this one - especially since it ties into the Job #2 goal)
· Start and manage a portfolio of smart investments by December 2005
· With the money gained from assets and investments, purchase a boat by December 2014. (I still want a boat. I'm just not going to use "my" money to buy it with)

Now before you ask, what happened to the girlfriend, fiancee, wife, kids, Chug, etc? Well, I've learned that I can't plan for that. As much as I'd like to, that sort of stuff is out of my control. I just have to be ready to adapt when that time comes.

12 May 2005

2005-05-12T12:47:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: World Championship Wrestling - "Sting Entrance Theme"

"When a man's heart is full deceit, it burns up. Dies. And a dark shadow falls over his soul..."

There's no real good way to start this, so I'm just going to start. I don't like what I've made myself into. Now before anyone starts thinking this is some sort of suicidal, depressing bullshit, then apparently you don't know me that well. If anything, it's more of a resurrection...

In one hand, I have a persona that is about as over the top as you can get. His system is full of "crunk" and his vernacular is that of an unrefined person. He's thrown away countless dollars on strippers and alcohol and what does he have to show for it? Sure he has multitudes of whimsical adventures that have become the things of legend - but that's only in his own mind. And that big piece of gold he carries on his shoulder is cute and all, but he hasn't done anything of value to warrant carrying it. The shtick gets old after a while.

And in the other hand, there's a confused little boy fighting fiercely against growing up. He clings desperately to what he knew. He doesn't know what's fighting for or why he has to scream. All he knows is that he likes things "the way they were." Waxing nostalgic whenever possible, he lives so much in the past that many times he lets the future pass him by. It doesn't matter if its how cool Super Nintendo was, how much fun Sophomore year was, or how pretty Michele was, its all the same story. Getting him to use a sentence that doesn't include a past participle is like pulling teeth.

The funny thing is, this is what I decided to fill my hands with sometime between high school and college. This is what replaced what I used to be. A cold hearted, unfeeling, callous young man. Sometimes down right evil. Evenso, I was a young man with a plan. Driven mostly by purely selfish means, but driven nonetheless. And what's what I lost - my drive. My future planning. It became okay to live in the past and enjoy the present because, "hey, I've been successful all the time before, why not now?"

And for the most part, I was right. College was a blast and I did well. I made a lot of great friends, graduated Cum Laude, and have a plethora of stories to share with my kids one day. But all of that does me no good right now - well at least not as much as I'd like to. So, as of now, I go back to what worked. Looking forward for opportunities, planning ahead, and most importantly - looking out for me. I'm tired of being stagnant. Selfish? Yep. I mean if I don't look out for me, who is?

Now while I realize that completely trashing my alter-egos would be the best thing, it's not necessarily the smartest. I've learned a lot from those two and to just disregard those lessons would be dumb. From Piddy, I've learned the ability to just not care about what I do or say sometimes and Terence has taught me the value of having feelings and compassion for others. It's funny that I'm taking lessons from these two, because four to five years ago, they were doing the same from me. You think Piddy's ego came from nowhere?

Now this drastic "Return to Innocence" would be pointless without some sort of catalyst. Reason for the change? I want to be able to retire by the age of 45. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just my amplified personalities can't do what I know I'm capable of doing at the core. Sure, some sacrifices will be made, but that's expected. I'll deal with them as they come. Should be interesting.

I think in the next RAW column I'll discuss how I plan on getting there step by step. Things get done when they're written down and you can hold yourself (and others if need be) accountable. For now, I go back to thinking...

Closing Thoughts

"Just know that its fear that keeps most people working at a job. The fear of not paying their bills. The fear of being fired. The fear of not having enough money. The fear of starting over. That's the price of studying to learn a profession or trade, and then working for money. Most people become a slave to money...and then get angry at their boss."
- An excerpt from Robert T. Kiyosaki's, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad"

"See I believe in money, power, and respect. First you get the money. Then you get the mothafuckin' power. After you get the fuckin' power, mothafuckas will respect you."
- The LOX ft. Lil Kim & DMX - "Money, Power, Respect"

"The Japanese were aware of three powers. The power of the sword, the power of the jewel, and the power of the mirror. The sword symbolizes the power of weapons and represents strength. The jewel symbolizes the power of money and its control over others. However the mirror symbolizes the power of self-knowledge. According to the legend, this self knowledge was the most treasured of the three."

13 April 2005

2005-04-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Killers - "Smile Like You Mean It"
RAW Choice Cut2: My Chemical Romance - "Helena"

That's a first. Why the two different song choices? Well I guess it more so depends on what my mindset is when I finish this thing. The former has been my "feel good, cheer up, the world is full of potential" song as of late, and the latter has been my hymn when even the brightest days are covered with a cloud of gloom and sadness. Neither one is the most cheerful of songs, but they manage to keep me straddled on that fence between perseverance and crumpling up.

"Night is falling. I'm lying awake. I can feel myself fading away..." - Bruce Springstein
Vampiric. Nocturnal. Many words describe how I feel now. I fear nothing. I roam the streets at night searching. For youth. For warmth. For feeling. Frequently, I come up empty and return home wondering when this will all end. And the few, short hours I do get to enjoy the warmth of the sun is bittersweet. Many times the rays of the sun blind my eyes through my windshield, but this pain brings me joy. It's amazing how much you enjoy the stuff you took for granted when they're no longer offered to you on a normal basis. Every day in the sun is like my own personal telling of the story of Persephone. Everything is happy and right with the world, but sooner than later, I fall back into the darkness and blistering cold.

"God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down..." - Kanye West
During one of my days away from the Underworld, I took a moment to clean my car. It needed it. It looked about as rough as I feel. I got a chance to clean it up real good. Not as good as I did for Valentine's '04 (which is arguably the best my car has looked EVER), but pretty damn good. Anyhow, I had a mix CD in as I cleaned. The normal radio fare of whatever was popular during late summer/early fall '04. Anyways, Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" came on and it made me think about my Rosary. I had misplaced it months ago. I've lost it before and every time it's come back to me. However, this time I felt as if I had lost it for good. The last time I remember having it on me was during one of Piddy's strip club forays. It might as well been lost in the fiery pits of hell. I had gotten used to not having it, but it felt as if something was missing. Guess that tends to happen when something you toted for the better part of a decade is no longer in your possession.

One morning after work (only night shifters can type that) I had this urge to find it. I tore my room up looking for a Rosary. I wanted to find my red one, but if I could have found my blue or black ones that I carried in high school, that would have been fine too. No luck. Well, fast forward back a few days to the car cleaning. Just as Kanye's anthem was getting into full swing (second verse), I started to clean underneath my driver's seat. Found the normal: loose change, Sonic mints, pencils, etc. As I was tossing all this mess into the garbage bag, I happened to see a set of red beads. Come to find out, the Rosary that I was searching for was closer than I ever imagined. It was a rather spiritual moment. Dunno if it was the song that happened to be playing in the background. Or the fact that I was randomly looking for it just a few days prior. Or the fact that as I finished untangling it form its 'normal' state (my keys usually tangle it up in my pocket) the song ended. Either way, it was a definite ray of sunshine - and since I'm surrounded my darkness most of the time - twas rather comforting.

"And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you. I need you. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. Now don't be sad...cause two out of three ain't bad."
- Meatloaf
The flame of true love burns bright. But sometimes events happen that diminish the din from that fire. Time. Distance. Personal changes. But occasionally a wind will come in that blows just right. This wind brings with it memories of joy and happiness. This wind carries the smell of her hair in the air. This wind blows hard enough to rekindle the flame, but soft enough to make the embers dance in the night sky. But eventually, that nighttime breeze fades, and all this left is the fire and the light it shines on your soul. The light that illuminates the fragile heart that's been burned by the same fire in the past. While time may heal all wounds, the memory remains...

"Come whatever, we will still be friends forever." - Vitamin C
I really miss my friends. Sometimes you can't tell by my actions (I'm a loner by default - I like people, but its never been a NEED on my list), but I do. I got to talk to Michele about three weeks ago on the phone and it was great. We usually miss each other because of this whole day/night thing, but when we do get to talk it was like nothing had changed. Not too long before that I happened to have a three-day weekend the same weekend Denny was in town for a visit. We caught a bite to eat at Chili's and reminisced about good times had and caught up on what's going on in our lives now. We also decided that that night I got kicked (thrown) out of Overtime for wanting to kick Denny's ass is officially Denny-Polk IV. Since Denny was the one who did not get "escorted" out by three big guys in black shirts, I'd declare him the winner. The overall record is 2-2, with Denny taking Junior and Senior year, and Freshman and Sophomore year going to myself. I also got a chance to catch up with Cecil. I was supposed to eat lunch with him too, but thanks to the hellarific schedule I work, that didn't happen. I'm still upset about that one, but it happens sometimes. Not like I'm not going to not catch up with him (you - because we all know LilCease loves the RAW columns). This man works for a company that presents the NCAA Final Four Tournament in HDTV. He's going to be rich. Plus I have his clothes. He might want them back.

"Longing for what used to be. Still it's hard. Hard to see. Fragile lives. Shattered dreams."
- Offspring
Being an American is funny. On one hand I'm all Pro-American. Most of the time we're right, and when we're not right, we'll just change history to make it look that way. American rights and privileges should be available to all citizens. If you're not a citizen, become one and all is right. But at the same time, I'm one of the biggest softies around. I've told stories about Jesus and his wife (if you don't remember, I think its about 4 RAW columns back), well the other night I got to visit their home. Jesus wanted me to see his daughter so I swung by for a spell after work. All I have to say is wow. You could tell that Jesus and his family worked very hard to get where they're at, yet remained true to their roots. It was quite cool, sitting around drinking beer, looking at family pictures, them telling me stories, me telling stories, playing some FIFA (there Piddy, that answers your question as to who buys these games. EA realizes the size of the Hispanic audience and caters to them quite well), and playing with the kids. (The trip also helped with my Spanish since Alejandra does not speak English and I hate for people to feel left out of a conversation, but that's another story for another time) But as much fun as I had (I'll have to show ya'll the pics when I get my hands on them), the whole thing was bittersweet in that I knew that Jesus and his wife, Alejandra, along with Marlen (one of my former Team Leaders) and her husband Victor, and Victor's brother are all on the list to be let go. Why? Not for performance or attendance, but for invalid Social Security Numbers. Now I know, they're just as wrong for using bad numbers as the company is for knowingly letting them work there for 3 years without doing anything, but it still sucks. America is the land of opportunity, but like with everything, that window of opportunity doesn't remain open long.

Closing Thoughts: "So long and good night"

"Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on alright." - Modest Mouse
Laughter is good for the soul. It keeps you young.
Smiling is good for the heart. It reminds you that not all is lost.

"Nothing lasts forever. Even cold November Rain." - Guns N' Roses
The rain doesn't last forever. If you ride out the storm, you're promised a rainbow.

"Maybe all my misery, it would be well spent here." - Angie Aparo
Visit Angie Aparo's website. www.angieaparo.com He's redone it. Sure, you can't listen to all the tracks off "The American" like before, the moving version of "Cry" more than makes up for it.

"The race is long. And in the end, it's only with yourself." - Baz Luhrmann

7 February 2005

2005-02-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: R.E.M. - "Losing My Religion"
"Oh no, I said too much. I haven't said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing. I thought that I heard you sing. I think I thought I saw you cry. But that was just a dream…"

Life's weird sometimes….

"I send the pain below, I send the pain below. Much like suffocating." - Chevelle
There's days at work when I sit back and go, "Yeah, I definitely should have zigged instead of zagging." I give up a lot of things for my job. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to watch Monday Night Raw. Time to sleep. Time to be young. This wouldn't be that bad if I liked my job, but I don't. And I gave up all of this for what? A little cash. Okay, actually a good bit of cash. And while I would love to quit every day I step foot in that God forsaken place, I realize that quitting to get the one thing I desire the most would at the same time take away the one thing I need the most - time. While I would love to be able to have time to go on a Friday and/or Saturday night like most twentysomethings, I realize that I need at least a year's worth of time on my resume. So every day I fight. I fight through the cold. I fight through only being able to communicate with 90% of my employees either through an interpreter or by my broken Spanish. I fight through the 11 to 12 hour nights. I fight through the dumb decisions made by upper management. I fight through the hour-long drive to work and the hour-long drive from work. All for what? That little bit of time. That extra ounce of experience. Time and experience that come summer time will put hopefully put me above every other college graduate. As for now, I continue to pay my dues - sighing heavily as I go.

"30 minutes to make up my mind. 30 minutes to finally decide…" - t.A.T.u.
Speaking of college graduates, I recently went to Clemson and dropped by the MBA office. While in there, I managed to snag a quick interview with the Associate Director of the MBA Program, Martha Duke. Quite possibly one of the best conversations I've had in a while with anyone about my future. We sat and discussed different avenues I could take down the road called life. At the end of our little talk, I came to a conclusion - go back to Plan A. For those who don't know about Plan A, I summed it up nicely in RAW 12:

"Biggest issue at un momento - NOT finding a career. I tend to forget this sometimes and I wind up getting myself all worked up about still not having a job. I can take some solace in the fact that no one else (minus Cecil - congrats) has found a job (misery loves company - tight job market will do that), but I'm not looking for something long term. All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA."

The last part of Plan A was left out, in that after two years of time somewhere had passed, I would go get my MBA, part-time, preferably at my employer's expense. Somehow I managed to get panicked and lose sight of that goal. Plan B of going to get my MBA full time only surfaced around October when I thought the only way to end this madness was just stop completely, get my MBA while coming up with a new game plan, then try again. After discussing some things with Ms. Duke, we decided three things would be best for me.

1) Getting a new job. Preferably one with reasonable hours. As she put it "slave labor" should not be part of any job. And also one that I like. She noticed that I have an aura about me that I'm "capable of doing anything" and that "just because you can do something, does not mean you're going to like doing it."

2) Waiting a while before pursuing my MBA. We both discussed how the MBA is more of a specialized tool set and not just a typical Master's Degree (this I knew). It might be in my best interest to wait a while, try out some different jobs if necessary, find one that I like, then tailor my MBA around that.

3) Enjoy youth. "21 year olds should be more concerned about how many credit hours they have until graduation, not how many 60+ hour weeks they can work before their body gives in - unless they're in Investment Banking, then that's typical *grownuplaugh*." The woman has a point…

"No one should take themselves so seriously, with many years ahead to fall in line"
- blink 182
One last work note, then I'll ramble on about something else. The other night at work I had plans to go out. Luckily Columbia, doesn't close until 4am and I knew that if I could manage to get everyone out by 1:30am I would have a chance at getting out by 2am to at least have some fun. Well I didn't, and as 2:30am rolled around, I walked into "my" office, sat down in my chair, and said, "Well, I guess I might as well sit down. I'm not going out anywhere tonight. No need to stress myself out about it." This older guy named Gerald was in the office and heard me say that. His reply, "That's a sign of maturity. To know when to just deal with the hand you're dealt." Great, I'm growing up. Lovely.

"Two dollars means a snack to me, but it means a big deal to you." - Arrested Development
Compassion. Something that a lot of us lack most of the time. In December I came across a bum. I don't know if he was homeless or not, but he asked if I could spare any change so he could grab a bite to eat. At first I blew him off, and went about enjoying my night out. At the end of the night, after the bars were closed, and everyone was leaving Five Points, I saw the same guy sitting beside the fountains. He looked sad and even hungrier than he did before. It's easy to pay people who are down on their luck no attention when hundreds of others are doing the same, but it's a little bit harder when it's just them all by their lonesome. Before I got in my car to head off to McDonald's for that 4:30am sausage biscuit, I walked over to this guy and handed him $2 that was left over from me breaking a $20 at the bar earlier in the night. I don't know if it was the Christmas spirit or because the saying "What you do to the least of your brothers you do to me" was ringing through my head. But either way, I couldn't go home with $2 that would have most likely wound up in some random girl's g-string while this guy was hungry. He thanked me for those $2 and was excited that I kept my word (see EAP Post Grad 5) - to me that was better than any cheap thrill some stripper could have provided.

"There's no way but up from here." - Shania Twain
Recently, I was moving furniture around the house and I had to move my trophy case. Technically, it's the hutch for my dresser, but I use the shelves and framework for a display for all my achievements. Anyways, as I was rearranging my trophies, plaques, and medals I realized something - my Clemson diploma and honor stole (T_P: STILL the most worthless use of $75 EVER. I would have much rather worn the WCW Championship Belt) were not a part of this. For some reason I kept them separate from the rest of my memories and achievements; like I was expecting something more. I picked it up, blew the dust of it then put it along side my Lakewood diploma. At that moment I felt something. No, not the stunning beauty you get when you put Forest Green beside Royal Purple - but the same feeling I got around this time four years ago. That feeling of "well, this is behind me, let's see that trouble I can get into now." It's almost an uncanny parallel too. After leaving high school, that first semester was rough, but around Jan/Feb I got the hang of things, then great things happened. Right now, I don't think life could have been any rougher than this past "semester." But now, things are slowly starting to turn around and the big picture is coming into perspective. Here's to hoping things turn out as rosy as they did before.

11-25 December 2004

2004-12-25T06:51:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Beatles - "Yesterday"

No magic happens here. Just lots of thinking aloud.

"All I need is time. A moment that is mine. While I'm in between." - Britney Spears
"You only get to be young once." One of those statements that you hear all the time, but you never place any stock in it until something happens to make you do so. I really dislike working. I think (read: know) its because my job sucks in all types of ways possible, but at the same time I think it's because I know I'm wasting away what will become "the good ole days" working a job I have no business working. Even though I've already lost seven months of my life that I will never get back, I have learned one very important lesson. Don't rush life. While and after I get my MBA, I'm definitely going to take some time off for myself. I'll do things like meet new people. See the country, better yet - the world. That way I'll be sure I'll be able to create some stories that I won't tell my kids until they're at least 18. Not that I don't have enough of those already…

"I, I feel so alive. For the very first time…and I think I can fly." - P.O.D.
As most of you know, I had to work First Shift for a couple of weeks at work. Well after my "tour of duty in hell" I came back to second shift and was greeted with something I didn't expect - hugs and handshakes. Now yes, I'll bitch and moan about how much I hate my job, but I treat my employees well (well, I try to). I dunno which was nicer; to know that I was missed or the warm embraces. Everyone loves a good hug every now and then. I know I do.

"That was a wonderful remark. I had my eyes closed in the dark." - Van Morrison
Speaking of hugs, this is a fine time for me to comment on what might be one of the greatest hugs I've ever gotten. May 31, 2004 was the day. I remember it because it was my last day as a "free man." Anyways, I was sleeping on Eric's couch in Lightsey when a young lady named Kelly Triana (I think that's her last name) came in. She's a Neo-Ambassador, so she's almost family. Anyways, she came in and woke me up (which normally is grounds for decapitation) and said that she wanted to say bye before I left and thanks for adding a little something to her summer. That my friends, was cool. I dunno if it was the fact that I was awoken by a pretty girl with a hug or the fact that it was one of the last positive gestures I would get before getting kicked in the ass daily, but either way it holds a special place in my memory.

"You know curtain climbers, rugrats, tricycle motors…" - Toby Keith
The other night I went down to the country for the yearly Polk Family Christmas Eve shindig. It was business as usual - catching up, good food, and the exchanging of presents. Well anyways, we get to talking and as always, they ask me how work is, how I'm [not] enjoying the real world, etc. when the conversation takes a U-Turn. "So how long before little Terence comes along?" And like myself, my family doesn't want any girls - they want…wait, lemme rephrase that, NEED boys. I guess when you're the last male in the family lineage, people expect a lot from you. Apparently I'm supposed to be married, have a good job, and produce a boy within the next five years. Great. No pressure. No pressure at all.

In other life news, as part of my daily routine to get mentally prepared for a day at work (which mainly consists of lots of cursing and a couple listens of "No Chance In Hell (Satanic Remix)") I listen to "Everybody's Free (The Sunscreen Song)" by Baz Luhrmann. Yeah, that same song that came out when we were Juniors in High School. It's amazing, but if you give it a listen now there's a lot of lines in there that make complete sense and hold a bit more meaning now that I'm older…

· "Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; Oh nevermind; you will not understand the power of beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at the photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked"
· "Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
· "Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't"
· "Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone." (oh there's days when I miss my knees so, so, sooooo much)
· "Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."

There are two lines in particular I wanna "touch base" on real quick tho…

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young."
This holds a bit more meaning now that I've graduated college, but there are times when I miss my high school friends. I think out of all my high school friends, there's only about 5 (Denny, Cobby, Rachel, Bradley, & Tyrell) that I regularly keep up with and feel genuinely close to. I'd be lying if I didn't say that I miss knowing what some of the rest are up to. Kinda interesting in that the people you were tight with 5 years prior, you now have little to no clue what they're up to now.

"Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out."
This might be a "Piddy"-esque moment, but if I hear one more girl say they want to be a housewife and mean it, I might just give up the female side of the species. It's one thing to say "I wouldn't mind it" or to become a housewife if it's necessary to the well-being of the family (necessary does NOT mean having kids - necessary is like having kids with no arms or legs) but to have that be a life aspiration is just downright foolish. Maybe I'm saying this because I'm a firm believer in my wife having to work. She's got to do SOMETHING. I don't care how much I bring home, she's got to get out and at least provide supplemental income. Same thing goes for me if I marry a woman who makes more than I do. Mom always says, "be sure you look for a woman who is about something. One who doesn't mind working and one who has goals for herself. Get tied up in one without either, you'll regret it later."

Song of the Paragraph: Mono - "Life In Mono"
There are where days where I go, "yep. Life's at a stalemate." Not much has changed too much in the past few months. Nothing looks to be changing for the next few months either. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but considering I'm one who likes something different every now and then, I'll lean towards the latter.

"Now it is silver and silent. It is silver and cold…" - A.F.I.
And one last bit of ironic news before I close… If you read my last entry about one particular young lady and found it interesting (which apparently a lot of ya'll did, I'm still answering IMs about that one), you might find it interesting that she's the same person who gave me the "ornament" I spoke of in RAW 16. Anyways, I was cleaning out my car the other day and I came across it. Apparently the sun had its way with it. What was once a nice, bright golden color now has a dull silver hue to it. To be honest, it hurt a little bit. Dunno if it was because I was reflecting back on what I had written, or because I now had a physical manifestation of it…

26 October - 16 November 2004

2004-11-16T06:37:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Platters - "The Great Pretender"

Man, it's been forever since I've written one of these. Anyways, there are times that the only way you can silence the demons is by slaying them head on…

"Tis better to burn out than to fade away," they say. While usually this statement is reserved for celebrities or musicians and the like, it can apply very much so to people in our everyday lives. There's a young lady that at one point in time I was pretty much in love with. I was completely just enamored with everything about her. Her eyes, just gorgeous. Her smell, quite possibly the only girl's who's perfume I know by name. Her brains, she was just brilliant. But most of all her smile. There were days that no matter how awful things were for me, her smile just made everything so much better.

"And though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted, she'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking, in fact, she'll often disagree. But at the end of it all, she will understand me…"
- Depeche Mode
But as great as her smile was, the person behind that smile was even more awesome. I seriously believe she was the perfect foil for me. Whatever I tossed out, she threw back at me. If I wanted to sit around and be sensitive and deep, she sat around right with me. If I wanted to dip into the closet of my "alter-ego", not only did she tolerate him, she kept him in check (the latter being more impressive than the former). People like that I don't come across too often. Maybe that explains why she was one of the few people I'd actually bend over backwards for…

"And sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight." - Goo Goo Dolls
When I realized that a day would come when she wasn't going to be apart of my life anymore, I was pretty torn up inside. I mean just look how many RAW columns I wrote between last December and May. Dig deep enough in all of 'em, it's pretty obvious that I was a pathetic little wreck. Anyways, I remember when that day came like it was the back of my hand. I should considering it was one of the more monumental days in my life, but that's another story. I gave her a hug, a couple actually, that might have well had screamed "please don't let this dream end" while some cheesy power ballad by Air Supply (preferably "Making Love Out of Nothing At All") was playing in the background (I tell you guys, I go through life as a hopeless romantic everyday) - but like all things, that hug ended. She was gone and I was left there in 52B just lying on the couch looking at my diploma. The only thing comforting me was the fact that I had some really good memories and I knew that there would be a pretty good (tho slim) chance that I would see her again. I guess this would be where she "burnt out" per se. Her last memory to me was one of sadness, but pure happiness at the same time.

"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind…" - Green Day
Well time passes and life goes on. A few phone calls were exchanged, but those became few and far between. Those evolved into voicemail messages that were returned sometimes, on both sides. Long story short, she came down for Homecoming. I was quite excited to see her (as was she according to one drunken voicemail that I got while I was in Five Points one night), but when the day came, something just wasn't right. The smile was there, but it didn't seem to be the same anymore. The personality was there, but it didn't seem as vibrant as before. I was a little down by all this, but it didn't bother me until I went to take her back to the airport. There wasn't much conversation on the way back, and considering the two of us (shit, ONE of us could have carried a conversation with ourselves with the other just sitting there and that would have been normal), that was quite abnormal. And the goodbye hug didn't have that same "spark" to it as it did before.

"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, than to feel you deep in my heart."
- The Cure
I'm still not quite sure as to what happened that weekend, but after saying goodbye that second time, The Cure's "Pictures of You" (which for some reason unbeknownst to me became her "theme song" to me) just doesn't give me that same feeling as it did before. The feeling of comfort and happiness was gone. I guess that would be were the whole "fading away" thing comes into play…

Other thoughts that don't involve me being an eternal hopeless romantic…

"As long as we've got a fourth player at the end of the day, I've got this feeling everything's gonna turn out to be okay."
- Saint Dragon
As a kid I grew up playing video games. I know what actually makes the Legend of Zelda a "legend" (damn if it didn't take Nintendo 20 years to figure it out their damn selves tho…). Hearing the special ending theme music that plays when you beat Street Fighter II Championship Edition (or Street Fighter II Turbo: Hyper Fighting) on one credit seriously chokes me up. The Konami Kode is preprogrammed into my thumbs after all these years still. With all the joy that I've had from videogames, I have to wonder what it would be like if I wasn't fortunate enough to be blessed with their pixilated goodness. There hasn't been a Christmas since 1988 where some type of game hasn't been under the tree (eventho last year came close - I didn't ask for any, but Nintendo thought it would be nice to send me the "The Legend of Zelda: Collector's Disc" on Christmas morning. Twas rather cool). Sad thing is, there's hundreds of kids who can't say the same. So this year, I've got some extra cash I'm not going to do anything with. I decided to donate to the Child's Play charity. It's a charity founded by gamers that donate toys and games to children's hospitals. Last year it was just in the Seattle area, but this year they've expanded some. I think it's a cool idea. I mean, whether I want to or not, I am getting older and I can't sit around playing videogames forever. It'd be nice to know that whether I have kids or not, I did my part in making sure that joysticks are passed down to the ones they were originally intended for.

"You know all the right people. You play all the right games. You always try to be everything to everyone."
- Everclear
Little by little I'm learning that I can't be everything to everyone (not saying I'm great or anything - tho my alter-ego would have you believe otherwise). I've got to make sure I'm looking out for myself first and foremost. If that gels with others, great. As a result, some people that I've been real close to in the past seemed to have been pushed back (or away) some. To be honest, some have been on purpose because I truthfully haven't figured out how to live completely solo and incorporate everyone in. While at the same time, others have been pushed aside completely by accident. If you think you're one of the people in the aforementioned groups, I'm sorry. Now I know "I'm sorry" doesn't make things better, but it can't be said that I didn't acknowledge what's happening.

27 September 2004

2004-09-27T05:30:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Moby - "Porcelain"

The original topic of this RAW column was work. Nothing more, nothing less. It was basically me putting the complaints everyone I know (who's working full-time) into one big place where we could all read it and take solace in the fact that all of us were fighting some kind of battle at work. Then as I was typing it, I realized that for every con that someone had their job, they had a pro that someone didn't have that balanced everything out. Even me. After hearing some of the horror stories that other people are dealing with at work, my job comes out smelling like roses. But even with all this, there are two things I do want to talk about, and they both deal with money.

"All and all, you're just another brick in the wall." - Pink Floyd
I will neva eva, eva eva, eva eva, eva eva, eva eva work another salaried job unless two conditions are met: 1) It has to be written in my contract how many hours a day/week I'm expected to work. For me to work a week where I've pulled in between 45-50 hours by a Thursday isn't uncommon. 2) My job responsibilities have to be CLEARLY defined. There's times where I'll be given someone else's job responsibilities and expected to do it just as good as they do. You want to be taken advantage of quickly? Work a salaried job where neither of these two conditions exist. In another one of those conversations I've had with mom about this she told me, "be glad you found this out at a young age." She used to have a salaried job and she didn't mind it until she sat down and did some math. Turns out for the hours and amount of work she was doing, she was getting paid less (both hourly and annually) than she was when she was unsalaried. Yeah, after a year she went back to her old job with the quickness. While salaried jobs maybe seen as a position of "respect and security," you got to remember you'll only want to do extra work when you get paid for it.

"Can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent, but that's okay cause I'm still fly"
- Big Tymers
Okay. Somewhere between fourth grade and graduating college, someone SERIOUSLY distorts the value of a dollar. For the sake of making a point, I'm gonna tell everyone I make $35,000/yr. Now I see this as a fairly decent amount - only because I know that no Business Management major living in the southern United States, with no prior full-time work experience, should make more $32,000/yr - and that's being generous. Now with all this information, I don't see this as "a lot" of money. Now this is where things get twisted.

On one hand, when my parents moved into the house we've been living in for the past 17 years my parents were making a combined $37,500. By some act of God, they supported themselves, a 3 yr old, and a newborn. Now I realize that all this happened in 1987, but considering that my sister & I both went to private school and never lacked any want or need, I'm not writing this off as a small feat. Then there's my Team Leader at work. Jesus is a Guatemalan immigrant with an Eight Grade education (he's sharp as a knife tho). If he works at least 40 hrs/wk he should make in the neighborhood of $21,000/yr. His wife, Alejandra, works as a Machine Operator on the other side of the plant and she should make around $19,000/yr. Now Alejandra is "full of baby" (seriously, this kid should come out walking), yet neither one of them are stressing over money. They're sitting quite nicely. Nice house, nice car, both of them dress very well. These two situations are making me reverse my thinking on a conversation me and a group of Ambassadors had - we were all set on thinking that two people making $40,000/yr EACH could live like kings. Shit, I'm starting that this can be done on $40,000/yr combined.

Then on the other hand, you have us. All of us who graduated and have jobs are making anywhere between $20k and $49k, yet the majority of us have found some way to complain about our financial situation. People, we could have it A LOT worse. And considering that most of us still live at home or with family, I'm a little confused at this. And for those of us living alone, I'm not buying the "rent is expensive" excuse. Maybe if we all decided to "live within our means" we'd be more content with our money right now. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you have to.

T_Piddy: Where'd all that come from? Aiming all that at someone particular?
Terence: No, not really. Just tired of hearing all of us, including myself, saying we could do this and that if we had more money. We all have plenty enough as is. I'm thinking we just need to be a little smarter in how we spend our disposable income *tapsPiddy'sWCWTitlebelt*
T_Piddy: You put your dirty little hands on my belt one more time, you're gonna draw back a nub.

"I wanna feel like I'm close to something real. I wanna find something I've wanted all along…somewhere I belong."
- Linkin Park
One more work related note, then enough from "the real world." When I first started work, my boss told me that the job wasn't gonna be fun until I became part of the family. Now considering that I had been there maybe 3 days at the time I was a little confused as to what he was talking about. Now that I've been there 4 months, I can somewhat understand what Mike was talking about. Now, keep in mind, the job still isn't fun - but I do like the people I work with. Well the other day, I had one of those family moments Mike was talking about. One of my original team leaders (I've been on both sides of the plant, 2 lines on each side, so I've had 5 team leaders (one quit, Jesus is her replacement)), Marlene, invited me to a baby shower for her sister-in-law, Alejandra (Jesus and Alejandra are married - Alejandra and Victor are brother and sister - Victor is married to Marlene). I thought this was quite a nice gesture. Gave me warm fuzzies inside - especially considering I haven't really worked w/ Marlene, Victor, and Alejandra too much in the past 3 months. I only get to see them in passing and the only one I can hold a full conversation with is Marlene and Jesus (Victor knows a little English and Alejandra…well, let's just say there's a lot of broken Spanish and drawing of pictures to communicate). It was a cool feeling, made me feel really welcome there.

(T_Piddy: Baby shower full of young Hispanic women who's biological clocks are starting to tick louder and louder with every passing day? *rubshandstogether* This should be fun… ;-))

"Slide, slide, but that's the past. I got something brand new for that ass." - Coolio
Because I always like trying new things w/ my columns, I'm gonna come up with small thoughts on topics pulled straight out of people's profiles - just for shits and giggles.

boys can be stupid, but ya know, girls can be much stupider :-P (or more stupid, or however the crap you say that ;-))
The thing that makes me smile the most about this is the fact this came out of a girl's profile. It's good to see that at least someone from the fairer sex sees that they really have issues with using logic and common sense sometimes.

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships--the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is...suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."
While I'd love to agree with that statement wholeheartedly, it only holds true if after your switch is flicked, you can somehow manage to flick the other person's switch too. Easier said than done…

You know, it's kinda of funny I like doing this online journal, thing :-) hahah
Just wanted to give Miss Sarah a shoutout and a link. Considering I've gotten mention in a few of her entries, it's the least I could do

"I would be happy just to hold the hands I love, on this winter's night with you."
- Jewel & Sarah McLachlan
Does anyone else feel like fall got here a little earlier than usual? It's either that or I just really have been zoning out for the past few weeks. Football season is in full swing. The days are getting shorter. And the wind has is starting to get that "smell." Everyone knows the smell. It's the smell that brings back memories you had pushed back into the dark recesses of your mind. After a while everyone gets all depressed, then the "winter blues" kick in. I start thinking too much, listening to Jewel and Sarah McLachlan all the time, and some random female will walk into the picture and cause chaos. When that happens look for me to start turning out these things damn near daily. Figured I'd give everyone fair warning since I by the time I sit down to do another one of these, it'll probably be winter :-)

29 August 2004

2004-08-29T05:24:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Pixies - "Where Is My Mind?"

"Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself…where is my mind?"
- Pixies

Truth be told, I don't know what the hell I was talking about in that last RAW column. I think I was just writing to cleanse my soul and my My Documents folder. The old stuff mixed with the new stuff in anything but a cohesive fashion. Then add to the fact I was trying to be funny / apologize / foreshadow at the beginning. Oh well, nothing another column can't fix.

"Youth's like diamonds in the sun. And diamonds are forever." - Alphaville
"My life is a fucking Saturn commercial," is what I said to myself this past Friday night as I drove through Five Points. Originally heading that direction to party w/ BGJ but then deciding to just get a pita and call it a night everything just got all weird. It felt as if I was going 5 mph down Greene Street watching as everything unfolded. The drunk girls holding each other up. The lines forming outside of the clubs. Some guy throwing up outside of a bar called "Pub." The cops questioning this guy on how much he had to drink. Everyone waiting at the ATM to take $21.50 out of their accounts. Then add to the fact I was already listening to Alphaville's "Forever Young" (which was used in Saturn's "High School" commercial) beforehand you had the makings of a really low budget commercial. All I needed was a sign saying "Now Leaving College" and a voiceover saying "As you travel down the highway of life, make sure you're riding in a Saturn."

"WE WANNA HAVE FUN AND WE WANNA GET WASTED!!!!!!" - Andrew W.K.
[promise that this will be the last paragraph of me complaining about my job directly - I'm starting to get tired of my excessive negativity, so I know anyone reading this is pretty sick of it also.]
The most beneficial thing about living at home isn't the discounted rent and free food. It's the fact that my mom is always somewhere near for me to talk to. As much as I complain and bitch and sometimes whine about my job and how bad it is, we've come to a conclusion - the job itself isn't THAT bad (oh yeah, there's still a lot of shitty parts about the job), it's just the fact that right now I'm too young. As much as I'm trying to do a good job (as far as my bosses are concerned I'm doing a great job - little do they know I'm halfassing it *shrugs*), my biggest concern at any moment is "when do I get to play?" I want to watch Monday Night Raw, I wanna go to concerts, I wanna drink with my friends in Columbia or Clemson on a Friday night, and right now I can't. In between working 50 hours a week at a place I don't like, the 10 hours of commuting, and the 40 hours of sleep I'm not left with much time for anything else - like social interaction. Or finding time to cash my check for that matter. Even with her having an idea of my impending mental (and sometimes physical) crash n' burn as far back as November when she tried her damnest to convince me to go straight to grad school (she knew I was going to want to play some more), she let me go ahead and try working for a bit. Why? Because she's good for giving me just enough rope to hang myself with (and I always thank her for that ;-)).

"Chances blown. Nothing's free. Longing for what used to be." - Offspring
One of my biggest fears about working (and life in general) has been personified at my job. There's another supervisor there who simply put, work is his life. And there's times when he hates work more than I do, but it's all he has. He has a degree. He has experience. He's 56 years old. Lives by himself. Works at night, so there's no chance of him meeting a woman. He comes in on days he doesn't have to make sure things are working correctly. He's there every Sunday to help maintenance. Sad thing is, he's a good guy who just decided to settle with the hand that life dealt him. We've talked about it (he always brings it up) and I tell him just find another job, you can move on. His answer "I'm too old to change kid, I think I'm just gonna stay here and deal with everything." Hey, whatever floats his boat - but as I said 3 years ago, "Nothing worse is looking at a man who settled." Except maybe looking a column from three years back and realizing I didn't proofread it.

"Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?" - Weird Al (mocking Avril)
I wanna talk about music for a little bit. Is it just me, or does it seem like music is on autopilot for the time being? I mean right now the number 1 song in the country is Terror Squad's "Lean Back." Lyrics - nothing to talk about. Beat - nothing special. And the dance - Simplest. Dance. Ever. Hell the only thing interesting about this song is the fact that Fat Joe says the word "nigga" about 20 times in the song and no one cares - yet J. Lo did the same ONCE in one of her songs a couple years back and it was the talk of the town. Guess you can get away with some things when people like you. While we're on the rap subject, what was up with the performance by Outkast at the VMAs? I mean I'm as sick as "Hey Ya!" as Andre is, but I mean come on now…he performed the song with his hand in his pocket. No energy whatsoever. It was if you could tell he didn't want to be there. As far as Rock goes, *shrugs* It's been slow there too. If it wasn't for the fact that I abhor the 'new' Taking Back Sunday and that Breaking Benjamin is kicking a fair amount of ass not much would be happening there either. Hell, even my favorite genre - pop - seems to be taking a vacation. When Top 40 playlists are being topped by Ashlee Simpson and whatever new single Avril decided to release this week, even I have a problem with that. Before I leave the music topic, more quick rap notes. G-G-G-G-Unit needs to go the F-F-F-Fuck away. I'm tired of this stuttering shit. Nelly releasing two albums on the same day. Great. On one album we have that awful "Get Your Eagle On" on track, the other we have him straight up SINGING on a track. And somewhere on one of those albums we have a duet between him and Tim McGraw. Lovely. I'm not even gonna waste a CD-R, let alone cash, on either one of those coasters. When music gets this bad, there's only one man who can save us… Where's Weird Al when you need him?

Speaking of which, it's been a while since I've made a list. I think I'll list my favorite Weird Al songs. I'm sure someone could use a smile. If you download them and don't laugh then poo on you.

5-T) "Theme From Rocky XIII" [Survivor - "Eye of the Tiger"]
5-T) "A Complicated Song" [Avril Lavigne - "Complicated"]
4) "It's All About The Pentiums" [P. Diddy & The Family ft. Fuzzbubble - "All About The Benjamins (Rock Remix)"]
3) "Headline News" [Crash Test Dummies - "Mmm Mmm Mmm"]
2) "Amish Paradise" [Coolio ft. L.V. - "Gangsta's Paradise"]
1) "Eat It" [Michael Jackson - "Beat It"]

"It wouldn't be L.A. without Mexicans, Black Love, Brown Pride…" -Tupac Shakur
I wanna talk about Mexicans - well Hispanics/Latinos in general for that matter. I'm gonna say they get an unfair rap in the United States. For all the politicians and such saying that illegal immigrants shouldn't be allowed in this country, they might wanna take a second look at the American workforce. And for everyone saying that they're stealing jobs from Americans - not true. They're doing the jobs most Americans don't want to do and they do them happily. Their work ethic is fucking amazing (I would know - I supervise about 35 of them) and they're very very mannerable. Scary thing is, the most problems I have whether it's disciplinary or just plain laziness comes from my African American and Caucasian workers. They feel as if they don't have to work as hard for the same pay. Either that or they feel as if I shouldn't make them work as hard since I'm "one of them" (guess that only applies for my black workers - seeing as how I'm not white). The days I have the least amount of problems are the days when my English speaking workers take the day off. Or don't show up. Funny how that worked out.

"Why ain't you a thug by choice? Why the whole world love my voice?" - Jadakiss
While I have a few more things to talk about, I think I'll save them until after Labor Day. Why? Because I'm going to Clemson for that weekend. And as sure as a bear shits in the woods, I'm sure sometype of drama will erupt. It's funny how the things you hated the most in life becomes the things you kinda look forward to. It's almost as if that type of stuff happens JUST to keep life interesting.

25 August 2004

2004-08-25T04:57:00.000-05:00

"...cause Inside I realize that I'm the one confused. I don't know what's fighting for or why I had to scream. I don't know why I instigate or say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I know its not alright…"
RAW Choice Cut: Linkin Park - "Breaking The Habit"

I don't do RAW columns often. Well, at least not since graduating. There's not as much drama going on. Usually RAW columns only come about when I'm in a mood to do so, whereas Piddy can crank out an EAP from a string of random events, a little observational humor, or just by being silly. I might start one, then stop depending on whatever mood I'm in. RAW columns usually require some sort of catalyst in order for them to be written in full…

Speaking of which, Piddy is on vacation. For how long, I haven't decided. Definitely had a night where all better judgment got tossed out of the window. Someone got a little too much "crunk in their system" and definitely caused a good deal of trouble. I mean this…

*Trillville's "Get Some Crunk In Your System" (cued at 2:36) blares over the loudspeakers and Piddy walks into the column with the WCW World Title slung over his shoulder*

Piddy: Hi *smirks*
Terence: I don't interrupt your columns. Why do you do this to me?
Piddy: Actually, you do. Mr. "I don't want people to know about my ass fetish." You just don't do it with as much pageantry.
Terence: *heavysigh* Anyways… what do you want?
Piddy: Why am I being forced on vacation?
Terence: Well let's see. You got completely obliterated, spent waaay too much money, stepped to one of your best friends, got thrown out of a club - LITERALLY - by three bouncers, ripped the buttons off of your favorite shirt in a fit of rage, told the cops you were mad at your friend for doing a "heel turn," and all sorts of other trouble.
Piddy: You left out completely ignoring Jen, kissing up on Colette, grabbing Rachel's boobs with her husband standing right there, spilling beer on Bradley, and dancing with the ugly girl. ;-)
Terence: I tried to only talk about things I remember happening. Anyways, you need to sit out for a while.
Piddy: Fair enough. How about until Homecoming weekend?
Terence: Why Homecoming?
Piddy: *whisperssomethingintoTerence'sear* …I mean she was the only one who could tolerate both of us.

"I can try to pretend, I can try to forget, but it's driving me mad, going out of my head."
-t.A.T.u.
Terence: Homecoming it is then.

"I can't do this thing called life without you here with me." - Beyonce Knowles
Movie recommendation from the summer: The Notebook. Now considering that movies like Alien v. Predator, Spiderman 2, Shrek 2, I,Robot, and The Day After Tomorrow came out this summer, you probably wouldn't expect this to come out of anyone's mouth - let alone mine. But it's a really sweet movie that everyone should be able to relate to some part of it. In a nutshell, it tells a story of two kids who compliment each other extremely well, fall in love, but wind up being separated as a result of the war. Now not to spoil anything for anyone, but this was definitely one of the better movies I've seen in recent times. I shed a tear - or a few.

"You should tell her how you feel. You don't keep things like love inside you. It'll make you sick."
- Dr. Otto Octavious (Doc Ock)
Out of all the lines in that movie [Spiderman 2] that were quality, that one stood out to me. Maybe because I could empathize with Peter Parker. Maybe its cause I've given the same advice before, even if I don't always take my own medicine. But it's true. Love is just like anger. If you don't release it in some form, it'll take over your entire being. You won't be able to sleep good at night. Moments where you shouldn't be thinking of anything it becomes all you think about. You're just in a constant state of uneasiness. Eventually your feelings might subside long enough for you to come up w/ rational thoughts on a constant basis, but you always stumble across something that brings everything right back to the forefront.

"Before I let you walk away, I have one last demand. Tell me a lie, and say that you won't go…"
- "Tell Me A Lie," '96 HBK Tribute Song
Best friends. I've told many people that I don't care to have one. I've had a few when I was younger, but they would move away or something would happen and we just fall out of touch. Around eighth grade I just got tired of all this and decided to go solo. I wasn't a loner or anything nor ever did I have problem finding people to hang out with - I just preferred to not have that one person who I called my best friend. Until about 6 wks ago I kinda backed into the whole best friend thing. I was giving a guy a ride home from a party and as he was moving things around in my car he came across an odd little ornament that I've been carrying in my car lately. In my effort to explain the significance behind it I said my best friend gave it to me. Which then led to me explaining why they're such a great friend and completely forgetting about the gift itself. It was at that point I thought, "Phooey. Another best friend I'm gonna wind up with some distance between."

"I don't wanna grow up cause baby if I did, I couldn't be a Toys R' Us kid." - TRU Jingle
Now is a good time in life. We all have the mentality of little kids, its just that some of us now have the paychecks of grown ups. We're learning things like how to save and planning for the future, but we're also learning how to enjoy ourselves. Some of us purchase wrestling belts. Others are eyeballing pool tables. A few of us went out and bought a motorcycle. I think all of this is pretty damn cool. Every time I talk to someone now I get a good story about a toy they just bought or are real close to buying. Sure, some of us have jobs that suck (*raiseshand*) - but the things we can buy with this money are pretty damn cool.
From bikes to trains to vid-e-o games… I love that song :-)

"There's gotta be more to life than chasin' out every temporary high" - Stacie Orrico
In the same breath tho, money is not everything. Truthfully, I prefer personal happiness. Would I be willing to take a $5,000 pay cut, along with the cost of moving out and living on my own just so I could work in upstate South Carolina? Considering I slaved away last summer for a measly $1,000 to do the same, I'd say this a no brainer. Maybe I can say this because I'm a relatively "simple" person. Evenso, as much as I'd love to be completely happy right now, I have to think about what I wanna do next. When do I want to go back to school? Where? What do I want to do for a living? Do I want to chase a dream and work for the WWE or just get a nice cushy office job and continue to fill up my 401k? With all the big life changing questions in front of me, what to do, what to do… Well I know what I'm not going to do - and that's quit my job. I maybe "simple" but I'm not "stupid." It's a lot easier to change lifestyles when you have a nice nest egg built up. Now after I've made some solid decisions, then I'll go ahead and give my two weeks notice.

"I'm only happy when it rains. Pour your misery down on me." - Garbage
Since we've all been able to notice how unhappy I am with my job (yeah, last paragraph was written 2 mins ago. The paragraph preceding that was written July 11. That nice bed of money has gotten a lot less comfortable, and besides, I've always preferred sleeping on a floor anyways), I've been able to come away with some observations from work - like how selfish we can be at times. Things completely change when you work with people who love their job and see it as their living whereas you're just doing it to "pass time." A fellow supervisor was going on and on about a mistake someone made and how they were screwing up their "livelihood" and how we all could be out of job, etc. My only thought was "blowing this a little out of proportion aren't we?" Maybe he was right but right now, I can't say I care. I'll still be able to eat, have a roof over my head, and since I have a college diploma, I can go out and find something to do if the situation was as bad as he made it out to be. Finally a saying makes sense - "Be sure to find a job where you'll want to work like you don't have that diploma." My uncle told me that on graduation day. Makes perfect sense now. Expect me to follow up on this topic in the coming months. CCF just hired 2 other supervisors out of Clemson at the same pay I'm getting. Promise you they didn't take the job because they want to get a leg up in the food industry. Gimme one month and I'll be able to tell you a story of 4 Clemson grads who are miserable but dress a little bit nicer - if they stay that long. I've already taken Sarina's place…

In a random blog plug - check out my friend John's page. It's always an interesting read. Maybe because he's just as much of a dreamer (if not moreso) than I am. http://www.livejournal.com/users/canaroo/

2-24 June 2004

2004-06-24T04:33:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Modest Mouse - "Float On"

"The trees that whisper in the evening...carried away by a moonlight shadow."
- Maggie O'Reilly / Missing Heart
Sometimes in our daily hubbub and bustle we forget how short life is. That every day isn't promised to us. Not too long after graduation, I caught wind that an acquaintance of mine had died in a plane crash. Ania wasn't someone I saw everyday or spoke to often, but when I did come across her she was always "good people." She transferred to Georgia State from Clemson last year, so I only saw her once last year, but it was fun times. Denny and I had gone down to ATL to catch the GT/Clemson game. Ania happened to be there (in faithful Clemson orange) and managed to spot us amongst all the other Clemson fans. She greeted us w/ hugs and kisses as always and asked if we wanted to go out that night, where we were staying, if we needed a place to stay and all types of things. We never did get to sample the ATL nightlife w/ her that night (due to the length of the game and us not having eaten all day), but she did let us crash at her place so we wouldn't have to drive back to Clemson at 2am. Gave us blankets, pillows, and even made us breakfast the next morning. Twas quite nice of her, but with Ania its not like I should have expected any different. I'm definitely gonna agree with Denny in saying that she'll be missed.

"We'll find their place in line. Tie a string around your finger, its just a matter of time."
- Vince McMahon's WWE Theme Song
In my travels around the state job hunting, that short stint I had at Waffle House, and even in the few days I've been working in Columbia, I've noticed something. You work as a higher up at a place too long, you lose your soul. Everything the company believes in becomes gospel and you're a preacher. It's almost sad. You see shells of people that you could tell at one point and time were more than just speakerboxes. In talking w/ the HR Manager in Columbia, it seems as if that was one of the reasons the new supervisors and myself were brought on. People started to believe in one way, the company way, and it caused things to stagnate. Now while this doesn't happen to everyone in a company, I can only question how long it'll be before I look back on this and go "what happened to me?"

"Just a day. Just an ordinary day. Just tryin' to get by." - Vanessa Carlton
Speaking of the work world and such, I've noticed something. Your first day of work is worthless. But it's the one everyone wants to know about. The three people I know who've started working (Cecil, Miss Sarah, and myself) all went through the same thing. People ask you how you day went - but all you do is fill out paperwork, watch training videos, and hang out with the Human Resources department. Next person I know who starts a job (which I think is Denny), I'm gonna ask them how it went on the first and second day. The first day because everyone likes to know that people actually care. The second day because I actually want to know what in the blue hell do you.

"I try and tell myself it'll be alright. I shouldn't think anymore tonight. Dreams last for so long…"
- Jewel
Finally an answer for that eternal question -- which to follow, you head or your heart? After a few mistakes and bad choices, I'm gonna have to go with following your heart. When you follow your head, things may go smoothly. Everything's well thought out and goes pretty much to plan. But you're always second guessing yourself. Wondering what would have happened if you chose Door #1 instead of Door #2. When you follow your heart, things will definitely not follow any type of plan. The path might be a little rough and there's a possibility you could come away without anything. But at least you know at the end of it all, you will have given your all. And life's a lot easier to live knowing "what happened" instead of wondering "what-if." Guess we know what they say about hindsight…

"All I need is time. A moment that is mine. While I'm in between." - Britney Spears
It's amazing how what you think will be an awful situation quickly turns out to be better than you thought it would be. Mom always told me, "When you're not looking forward to something, that's usually when you enjoy yourself the most." I know many of us are getting jobs or going away to grad school and are not looking forward to leaving behind what we knew for the last few years. But believe me, once you jump into it head first and get your feet wet, you'll be amazed at all the good things that come your way. After a while your "new" life becomes commonplace. And while there will be times you'll miss what you knew, you'll quickly find out that going back to that doesn't exactly feel the same as it did before.

"430 Lex with the convertible top , and the rims keep spinnin' everytime I stop."
- Big Tymers
Speaking of which, I realized something. Recently I bought an Game Boy NESp. Its great and reeks of retro-awesomeness, but that's not the point I want to make. This thing set me back $100. At first I was like, I just spent $100 on something I probably won't play too often. Then I thought about how much money I spent on alcohol and such. Yeah. Now while its great and all, the good times I had from that alcohol produced nothing tangible. That Game Boy is a pretty tangible object considering I can see it resting on top of CPU tower. Now I'm not knocking having a couple drinks here and there. Just don't do something dumb like pay for an excessive amount of drinks 5 or 6 days out of the week. I did that the week of my 21st and while it was great and all, I can't say I have too much to show from it - other than a wallet that was a little bit lighter. Let's all try to think a little bit more before spending money foolishly. (And keeping the bottles that the alcohol came in doesn't really count as being tangible. Believe me, after you graduate, a lot of ya'll will see those don't carry over into life too well.)

"Here comes the two, to the three, to the four, everyone drunk out on the dance floor."
- J-Kwon
Sidenote: When you go out drinking, be sure to be kind to your designated drivers. These are people who have to deal with your drunk ass, listen to your ramblings, handle you smelling like cigarettes, cheap women, and alcohol, and be ready for you to randomly throw up in their vehicle. Plus they are taking time from whatever they're doing to make sure you get home safely. Buy 'em some food. Call 'em the next day saying thank you. Or you can do like that commercial and buy 'em some flowers. And on that note, I'd like to say thanks to Eric and Chad, Libby and Shay, and Miss Kel Kel. I've already bought all of ya'll food, so don't expect flowers from me.

Short list of goals for the next 10 years - Buy "Authentic Replica" WCW Title Belt. Buy Ms Pac-Man arcade machine. (Say what you wish, but they're tangible, I'm single, and I get a nice paycheck that I do nothing with…) Get MBA. Get job #2 in upstate South Carolina. Attend WrestleMania XV. Get job #3 outside of South Carolina. Vow to never reclaim residency in South Carolina. Find good girlfriend. Make her my fiance. Get married. Let her live the "Glamorous Life". Have Chug. Buy Boat.

Random Thoughts (or Inside Jokes for the people who know what I'm talking about)
"All and all you're just another dick with no balls." - Bloodhound Gang - Some people think they're waaaaaaay cooler than they really are. They really could use a wake up call. It'd save them the trouble of making a fool of themselves.
"I said it must be yo ass, cause it ain't yo face." - Nelly - Sometimes you do things to women just for the sheer novelty of it. But watch out, it might wind up being really embarassing.
"I've been to paint drying competitions that were more fun." - T_Piddy - Oof. No comment on that one.
"How many cookies do I have in my mouth?" - Verizon Commercial - Nothing is better than having you friends call you at work and making your pants vibrate. Except when you get that text message saying "Save Me Today." Its at that moment you know the weekend is going to be interesting.
"I'd still pick my friends over you." - New Found Glory - That one friend you turn your back on will be the one friend you need the most.
"I got that dirty south with me, I don't give a fuck." - Lil Jon - People do stuff to illicit a reaction out of you. It's not worth pleasing them to react.

11 May 2004

2004-05-11T04:28:00.001-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Audioslave - "Like A Stone"

Home sweet home. And like that, college is over. When I sit back and think about it, it's pretty damn amazing how quickly that time flew by. Oh well, doesn't mean I'm going to stop writing. Just means it'll be a lot less frequent and a lot less people will read it. Guess now instead of me over-analyzing stuff (RAW) or just doing random social commentary (EAP), it'll be more like a diary. Should be interesting.

"I can't see 'em comin' down my eyes, so I gotta make this song cry." - Jay-Z
I amaze myself. I talk about how good an occasional cry is, yet I refuse to do it. I think graduation might have been one of the happiest times of my life, yet one of the saddest. I knew things were changing. I knew I'd never see some people again. I knew that I have didn't a clue as to what was immediately next. With all these emotions and thoughts in my head, there were a few times where I was seconds away from just letting the waterworks go. Never more than when saying goodbye to people. I don't think there was one person who I wasn't holding back a tear for when they left. When Michele left, I did good not to drop a gallon jug. Evenso, from the time Tristan left, to the time when I said bye to Miss Jen I had built up a nice reservoir. Yet when I was free to do cry, I didn't think it was necessary anymore. Hence I write about crying instead. Go fig…

"I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick. If you tick me, my tank is on empty." - Eminem
Another thought that came across my mind on the way home is what happens to T_Piddy? Yes, I know he's not real, but he is a part of me. He's the one that makes irrational decisions seem logical. He's the one that's always up for something new and different. He's the one that'll come over and listen to you when you want someone to talk to, even though he's been on the wrong end of a bad day himself. He's also the one that'll try to stick his tongue down your throat after having a bit too much (female) or take pictures of you when you're passed out on the kitchen floor. And while he's not the best of people all the time, he's a lot nicer than I've been in the past. I used to be really selfish, competitive, impatient, and really arrogant sometimes. Now I'm just impatient. I also stop listening and just hear you. Now that I'm tossed back into the same environment (not blaming my family. They're good. The causes behind my super-ego could fill up a RAW column by themselves) that originally brought this about for a while, I question how I grow as a person now. Does Piddy disappear? Do I retain his best features while blending them with my own? Or do I just slowly grow up into a well-rounded adult? Guess this is another one of those wait and see things.

"Chances blown. Nothing's free. Longing for what used to be…" - Offpsring
At my graduation party, I kept hearing a lot of people telling me not to rush with my job decision. This goes for now and post-MBA. They say there's enough time to work and never enough time to play. Also, to do something I love. Don't do it just because someone finally threw you a job. Or because the pay is outstanding. Do it because you have a passion for it. I find it funny because a friend and I had this same conversation about 2 wks ago. Neither of us want to do a job with great pay for 30 yrs, only to dread going every day - yet neither of us have a passion for anything. Then I started thinking illogically as I always do. I have passions, they're just "out there". My passion lies in professional wrestling. And pop music. And video games. And photography. And Ghostbusters. How I can turn any of this into a career, I'm not quite sure. But I've got time to figure it out…

But at the same time, I have to raise the question that at what point in making a career out of your passion do you lose your passion? How do you cope if what you use to escape the real world becomes your every day life? Kurt Cobain took his own life because he couldn't handle the fact that the music he loved now had him tied down. Now while this is an extreme case, it is relevant. Definitely food for thought…

"Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself…where is my mind?"
- The Pixies
Just some random thoughts I've had floating around lately…

*A question from freshman year that I never found an answer to: Can you be in love with someone if that person isn't in love with you?
*Will I miss Clemson now as much as I have in the past? While extremely nice, it was never so much the area or the surroundings that I missed when I left. It was my friends and the activities that were going on there. Now that the majority of my friends and I no longer call Clemson home for 9 months out of the year, how long will it be before Clemson becomes a place I talk about in the past tense?
*I look at my Clemson diploma and I think about a lot of things. "Only 100,000 other people or so have one of these." "Why is there no orange anywhere on this thing?" "Thank God they spelled my name correctly." "Whycome my emphasis area isn't stated on this thing?" But with all these thoughts the most overwhelming one is. "4 years of hard work. 4 years of very little sleep. 4 years of presentations, papers, and problems. 4 years of my life and all I have is a sheet of paper. I think I got hosed."
(now I'm talking about the physical diploma itself. The value of the degree is more than I can measure at the moment, but the diploma itself leaves something to be desired)
*Where'd all the girls go? Minus Courtney, I think I know no girls in Sumter. They all left town around sophomore year of college. And none of my fellas know any girls who are still around town either. Shit. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna miss Clemson.
*Speaking of girls, I now find blondes and black girls attractive on a per-case basis. My sudden noticing of blonde girls since January shouldn't need an explanation, but there have been some black girls around lately that are definitely worth commenting on. The girl from Twista's "Overnight Celebrity," is gorgeous and Alicia Keyes is quite tasty herself. But HOT DAMN, Stacey Dash (girl from Kanye's "All Falls Down" video) might be the most delicious creature walking. There had better be one damn good reason that Kanye didn't get on that plane behind her.
*Another one of those Terence is playing the "musical race card" things. In the same vein as my "White people love Andre" comment (which is true. Big Boi's "Last Call" would have been a much better single than "Roses," but it didn't have the same pop appeal as Andre's track…), I'm gonna talk about another boo-boo. White girls, please stop liking D12's "My Band." I'm singling out white girls because they're the only ones who like this God-awful song. Somewhere along the line, they find it funny. No. Just stop. Kudos to Miss Jen for changing the station that one day I was in her car and it came on (she likes the song, but I think she caught wind a while back of how much I loathe it. She's an observant one). Poo on Michele, Aubrey, Miss Rebecca for not only listening to the song, but singing with it. Ugh.

"Shoot for the stars, so if you fall, you'll land on a cloud." - Kanye West
I like this line. I'm not really sure what I'm aiming for at this point in my life, but I know to not sell myself short. And that goes for everything. Education. Friends. Relationships. Personal Happiness. Whatever. I may fail a few times down the road (which definitely won't be the first) but in the end I think everything'll work out.

2 May 2004

2004-05-02T04:19:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: None. Too many links (which are necessary (to me at least, but I also know where to look to make sense out of this thing) to read this time) plus the fact that Geocities can't handle the bandwidth equals no mp3 this time. Sometimes silence is better to think with anyways. If you really want a song, Jewel - "Break Me" is a great one.

"When it comes to bein' true, at least true to me, one thing I found I know you'll never let me down."
- Kanye West
My cousin Tricia told me that the friends you make freshman year will be the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life. If that's the case, I seriously lucked out. I seriously believe I couldn't have found a better group of brothers if I tried. We've been through a lot. We've had good times with each other. We've had not so good times with each other. We've lived through random instances of great luck and we've also had to beat each other up a few times. That's how you make family. I've said my goodbyes to a few of 'em so far, but I know that shit ain't goodbye. While a little sad, I know its just an "I'll holla."

"I don't care where you've been or what you've done before, cause it's a whole new game when you walk through my door."
- Fagan & Clark
I've lived in a lot of places before. Some for 17 years. Some for just a few days. Now to say you've lived somewhere is completely different than saying that's where you call home. I can easily call 52B home. I truly feel bad for 2 things. 1, that after two years, my stay in 52B is gonna come to an end. 2, whoever lives here next will NEVER be able to live up to the 52B legacy. With T_Piddy, Lil' Cease, JD, and that random fourth (adding Phil to the mix this year was just a bad idea) all under one roof we've been the long standing epicenter of randomness in Lightsey Bridge. From having random freshmen funnel beers to "break 'em in," to the use of the fog machine, to that stupid drunk girl taking my socks, to punching the daylights out of Kel Kel (sorry hun) life's been interesting here. I'd love to be around to explain the water spots on the floor, why the toilet never stops running, the random pieces of silly string everywhere, and the huge stain in the SW corner of the room - but that's for CU Housing to worry about.

Speakin' of Piddy…

-----------------------------------------------
"It's time to show these players how it should be done, you got Pimp Potential. You might could be one."
- Lloyd Banks
Alright, I've come to the conclusion that girls might be the most illogical creatures on the face of the planet. There's no trying to figure them out. I told a story a while back about a few guys who gave their best effort to make things go right. Now of course, the stories didn't end there. There was a good bit more, but I have better things to do than fill up RAW space with the story of everyone's love life. That's what the EAP is for. Anywhoo, for this many guys to honestly try and wind up failing, well something's not right here. Then to hear statements like "I'm tired of all the shitty guys" and "______ is such an asshole," followed by lines like "well nice guys are okay, but they're boring" and "you know how I fall for the assholes" really doesn't make sense. You'll never hear a guy go "nothing like a girl that treats me like shit." Maybe because we use logic. And you girls wonder why I "joke" about saying that all guys should turn heel. Apparently that's what works.

"Her boyfriend, he don't know anything about her…I wish that I could make her see. She's just the flavor of the weak."
- American Hi-Fi
No, I'm not done with the female side of the species. I just needed a paragraph break. People like paragraphs, they make things easier to read. Observation of recent, and its been backed up by a female source. Guys want their friends. Girls try to make friends. Clarified, I'm saying that guys want to date their friends for a reason. They enjoy them so much in every way, shape, form, and fashion that the only next logical step is to try make a relationship out of it. Worse come to worse, they'll still be friends. Girls see it differently. They try to take the guy they're dating and make him into the friend they want. They want him to listen, care, be them for them, etc instead of giving the guy who a) does that willingly or b) would love to do that every day a fair shake. What happened to the line "to try and fail is better than to never tried at all?"
-----------------------------------------------

*scratcheshead* After reading that, I don't know if that was one of those "You cut one of us, we all bleed" moments or if someone slapped him in the face. Either way, it was so much nicer and less forceful when I said something along same lines last December. Anyways…

"Trust in my self righteous suicide. I cry when angels deserve to die."
- System of a Down
I'm a firm believer that you have to pay for your actions. In a nutshell, if you bought the mattress, assembled the bed frame, and then made the bed, well then it's yours to lay in. If you mess up somewhere along the line, it's one thing to come around looking for help. It's another to go around looking for others to feel sorry for you. Just because they sound the similar and can be used in sentences very similarly, empathy and sympathy do not mean the same thing.

"Some will win. Some will lose. Some are born to sing the blues." - Journey
Some times I look back on the decisions I made. Some of 'em were made very well. Completely thought out, not hasty at all. Others I probably should have waited on before making judgment. Instead of handling some things, I either ignored it or came up with some type of distraction so I wouldn't have to worry about it. I'd like to say "hey, I wish I could redo that one." But what's done is done. If something was meant to be redone, it'll find a way to fix itself…

"I keep asking myself, wondering "how?" I keep closing my eyes, but I can't figure out."
- t.A.T.u.
Sometimes I make observations or have thoughts that make sense to me no matter how crazy and/or illogical they may be. Now when other people stumble across the same observations, I have to ask the question - who's the one who's nuts here? Me for thinking randomly in the first place or them for thinking of the same thing?

"When I think about the future, I think about… success. family. happiness. hopes and dreams. love."
- Vitamin C
It's been an interesting time as of late. With everything winding down, I've spoken to a lot of people and noticed the same thing. We've all got the same fears. The same thoughts. It's almost as if I've had the same conversation multiple times. At my computer inside my own head. Over a tall cold one with an old friend. Standing in my doorway with George on my shoulder. Sitting on a couch w/ them lying in my lap. Driving to Seneca for no damned reason. If it's comforting to anyone other than me, just know that other people are going through the same things. We're all a little lost about what next, but I've noticed one thing from everyone. Optimism. With all the tears I've seen shed, the crackles I've heard in voices, the random sadness, there's always a thought of "well this part will be cool." That's what I'm holding on to. I'm not even too concerned about the nervousness. It'll pass.

17 April 2004

2004-04-17T04:13:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Pixies - "Velouria"

One of those dual-sided RAWs. I've got something planned for the EAP, so a lot of random thoughts are gonna get tossed into here. Color-coded for those who like diving into my psyche. Most of ya'll have been doing it long enough, no need to explain.

"There's no greater power than the power of goodbye…" - Madonna
Sometimes I think I'm the most sentimental person around. Well, other than maybe Libby. She's a girl and can get away with tearing up. I don't think I can pull that one off. Well anyways, I was thinking about stuff. Every year (including last year when I didn't really leave) I've been the last person to leave. I like saying goodbye to everyone, even if that does mean I have to help around 8 different people carry stuff to their cars. I makes me happy. I think this year I might change up. I'm shooting to be one of the earlier people to leave town. Not because I'd finally like to actually get some help carrying MY stuff to the car - but because I want someone to be around to say goodbye to me for a change.

"But lean a little bit closer and see that roses really smell like boo-boo." - Outkast
"You're a touch overrated. You're a lush, and I hate it." - Taking Back Sunday
Another semi-old topic that never got used, coming up. Has anyone ever noticed that once you fall out of like/love with someone, it seems as if they changed. All the sudden, all the little things that you liked beforehand now just irk you to no end. Sometimes just being in their presence is enough to drive you nuts. And there's not really a reason for it. It's not that they've changed, its just that someone came by and took off the rose colored glasses. Now that you're not completely blinded, everything's suddendly a lot clearer.

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go."
- Green Day
Biggest issue at un momento - NOT finding a career. I tend to forget this sometimes and I wind up getting myself all worked up about still not having a job. I can take some solace in the fact that no one else (minus Cecil - congrats) has found a job (misery loves company - tight job market will do that), but I'm not looking for something long term. All I wanna do is kill two years of time somewhere, then I can come back and get my MBA. As well as I plan things out (even those times I do it by accident), I'm surprised I forget this more often than not. Me and my stupid delusions of grandeur. So if anyone hears me whining, block me out. Now if in four years time, when I'll have the BS and the MBA (along w/ the WCW World Title), then listen and console me. As of now, I'll just keep waiting.

"My faith is now greater because I know that I'm the man" - Pastor Troy
Speaking of title belts. I really, really, really want one. I'm torn between the WWF World Heavyweight Title (1986-1998 Classic Eagle Version) and the World Heavyweight Title (aka - the RAW brand Championship Strap / WCW World Heavyweight Championship / NWA World Heavyweight Championship). Now I want one for two reasons: 1) I'm a big kid. Having one of those things to call my own would quite possibly rock my world to no end. Just the cool factor alone is worth the price of owning one. 2) I'm a huge wrestling fan (collective "duh" from everyone reading). Just the history and tradition behind it are enough for me. It's kinda like why huge Michael Jordan fans paid a lot for those $150 "authentic" jerseys back in the day. Doesn't mean jack shit to me, but to them its pretty damn cool. I find it odd that everyone else finds this to be one of the most retarded things I've had an urge to purchase ever. And that everyone includes my mom and excludes Miss Jen and Tyrell (who owns the WWE Undisputed Title. May be a little biased…). Guess who earned cool points and who lost them.

Number of girls we've fooled by telling them that Andre Agassi plays for the Boston Red Sox: 3
Smarter sex: Males.

"Now there's just no chance for you and me. There'll never be." - Justin Timberlake
About two and a half years ago I wrote that there is nothing worse than seeing a man settle. While this is true, I have no problem with a man giving up. But only when its for the right reasons. Like say, over a girl. There are some girls you can go out of your way to impress. To be good to. But they just don't notice. So what next? Stop. Throw in the towel. There's no point fighting a battle you know you're gonna lose and wind up using all your resources.

"Yo, I can't get mad cause you look at me. Cause on the real - look at me." - Ma$e
A few nights ago, I was talking with someone and he was telling me about how he was jealous of on of his friends. Now this struck me as odd - considering this guy isn't normally the jealous type. Anywhoo, we talked a little more, and as usual, money (or lack thereof) was the cause of this. Now while this is a good a reason as any to get upset, I can't really justify the whole jealousy part (unless pancakes are involved). Unless you're in dire need of something, there's no need to get all worked up. Maybe its because I keep 2 things in consideration.

1) There's probably a good reason things work how they do. Might be karma. Might be hard work. Might be an end justifying the means thing. Might be just flat out luck. Either way, your moment will come eventually.
2) I've never been big on keeping up with everyone else. Not my cup of tea. Takes too much effort. However, I do believe in playing the game of "he who finishes with the most, wins." Maybe that's why I've never cared much for the jealousy thing. Kinda hard to get upset over stuff at the end.

26 March 2004

2004-03-26T05:05:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Michael Andrews - "Mad World"

"I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone, who's torn it apart."
- Sheryl Crow
Ya know, normally I can't stand Sheryl Crow. I don't like her music, but since this technically isn't her song, it's allowable. Anyways, I'm sure everyone has heard "The First Cut Is The Deepest." Now normally I would have passed over this one, but seeing as where I was when I first heard the song, I really didn't have much say in the matter (which just adds to the irony of the situation). Anyhow, the lyrics can really hit home. They kinda make you think back. That first [real] love, whoever she is, really does a number on you. You give everything you have, you play every ace in your hand, and constantly bring your A game. And sometimes, it's just not good enough to hold it all together. So you try move on, but you can't do it completely. For a while, you're always holding something back - your heart. Then whenever you do let go, everything seems different. You're more hesitant in your actions. Mostly because what you thought was right somehow ended up being wrong.

(T_Piddy: I try to keep you from being gay. I really do. Fails every time.)

"Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." - Semisonic
Man. These four years went by really fast. It's down to my last five weeks. While I'm really sad that everything's coming to an end, I'm halfway looking forward to it. What I've known has been great. I've done many things and met many people I would have never experienced otherwise. But at the same time, I'm ready for something new. There's complete uncertainty as far as what comes next, but I'm not too concerned. And while I really wish I had more time to do some things I never got around to, or to hang out with some really great people I've met in the past few months, it might be in my best interests to just move on. And as big as I am on memories and nostalgia and reliving the past sometimes, I'm sure everything will come around again.

"And shepherds we shall be, for Thee my Lord, for Thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
We shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In nomine Patrie,
et Fili,
et Spiritus Sancti."

The boy thinks too much, too long, and too hard. It was for his own good...

8 March 2004

2004-03-08T04:51:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Dance Dance Revolution DisneyMix / Para Para Paradise - "Night of Fire"

I'm in a good mood. Wanted to reflect that. I think its pretty much damn near impossible to not move when you hear this song. Or to not smile watching me attempt to dance to it on Maniac Mode. Screw you DJ Huey, MC Dewey, and Grandmaster Louie...

Well, definite change of format here. I came across this in my email. Usually I never do these things, but I figured what the hell this time. What's it gonna hurt? Instead of sending out an email, figured I'd just do it here.

Lasts…

Last Cigarette: Don't smoke. I try to keep my lungs clean.
Last Kiss: January. And I should have gotten an uppercut for that one. But she accepted my apology and she still speaks to me, so I guess its all cool.
Last Cry: No clue. It's been a while. I could use one tho, just to cleanse the soul.
Last Library Book Checked Out: Who checks out stuff from the library?
Last Movie Seen In a Theatre: Mystic River - Saturday afternoon
Last Book Read: "The Art of the Steal" - This is The Bible for all would-be crooks. Gotta love assigned readings.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Fuck
Last Beverage Drank: Water
Last Food Consumed: Half of Schilleter
Last Phone Call: Jen
Last TV Show Watched: "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" - Might have been the only funny episode of that show ever made.
Last Time Showered: 3:30 am
Last Shoes Worn: My Adidas sneakers. I so hate those things but I haven't bought sandals yet, so I deal with them.
Last CD Played: TOP Music 13 - Gotta love the T_Piddy Productions
Last Item Bought: Pretzel at the Clemson/Carolina baseball game
Last Soda Drank: Probably a Pepsi I got from Cecil a few weeks back. Not much of a soda drinker.
Last Thing Written: RAW 10 obviously…
Last Key Used: Key to the Land Yacht - aka DA ROADMASTER
Last Sleep: This afternoon after the baseball game
Last IM: Arianna - Happy Birthday Miss Cisneros
Last Sexual Fantasy: Hmmm… That's a hard one (that was an awful pun…)
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Coffee Ice Cream Sat. Night. But I wouldn't say it was eaten considering me and Phil used it to make Mudslides.
Last Time Wanting to Die: Every Tuesday and Thursday from 12:30-1:45. I loathe Mgt 423.
Last Lipstick: Never. I like girls. I don't want to be one.
Last Time Dancing: Friday afternoon much to the dismay of the girls of 51B. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
Last Show Attended: Angie Aparo & Ken Morton @ The 40 Watt Club in Athens, GA. GREAT show - March 4, 2004
Last Big Car Ride: Athens, GA. Considering I was leaving from Clemson, I dunno if that really counts as "Big."
Last Crush: Jen (nothing like stating the obvious is there? :-P)
Last Annoyance: None that I can remember. We all know I try not to let stuff get to me most of the time.
Last Disappointment: Not having enough money to pull off a good Valentine's Day, the proceeding weekend with my friends, the Angie Aparo show, and WWE RAW in Atlanta. Might have been quite possibly the ONLY time wrestling got put on the back burner. And considering this is WrestleMania season, that's saying something.
Last Time Scolded: Last Wednesday from Denny, Tristan, and Michele. Not a real scolding, but I guess it counts considering I was drinking before class. But hey, class is at 5:45 and it's for 3 hours. I think I deserved to have some fun beforehand.
Last Shirt Worn: Orange Clemson Housing - Move-In Day shirt. Yep, another free shit.
Last Web Site Visited: http://www.newgrounds.com & http://www.videogamesdc.com Yeah. I'm a dork. This should be news to no one.

Either/Or

Cold or Hot: Hot. I'm a southerner. Me and Cold do NOT get along. If I did, I'd probably be a Golden Gopher instead of a Tiger.
Blue or Red: Depends on my mood. Terence likes red, Piddy is partial to blue. But considering my closet has more Navy Blue than anything, I guess that's the winner by default.
Give or Receive: Depends on what's being given or what I'm receiving. Seriously.
Rose or Daisy: Well, I prefer Lilacs (might be the only guy who's actually thought about what flower he likes), but only because they're semi-blue. So I guess this question doesn't matter.
Go to a Private School or Public School: Did both. Girls are prettier in public school. That answers that one…
Chocolate milk or Plain milk: Chocolate
Celsius or Fahrenheit: Dumbest. Question. Ever.
Spring or Fall?: As much as I love Fall and Clemson Football, Spring and Clemson Baseball (mainly the girls that come with it) win that battle. Only by a slim margin tho.
Do you like someone right now from the opposite sex: Yep. (and that's not an Either/Or question…)
Do they know? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say probably so. If she actually reads this thing (doubtful), I'm gonna go with yes.

What do you look for in a guy or girl?

3 Things:
1) Patience - Cause I don't have any. Plus I can be really slow in making up my mind sometimes. But they say good things come to those who wait…
2) Good Conversational Skills - I (have the ability to) talk a lot. Doesn't mean I want to do so all the time. Hell, most of the time I won't say a word until I get to know her. So someone's gonna have to do the talking.
3) Honesty - If you don't have honesty, then what do you have?

See, and you guys thought I'm just looking for a Hispanic/Fair-Skinned White Girl. I have standards here :-P

Your Friends

Who makes you laugh/smile the most? Smile - Michele Laugh - Eric
Who do you e-mail the most? I email no one. I hardly use AIM most of the time.
Who's the loudest? In my group? More like who isn't the loudest.
Who's the shyest? Tristan or Kelli.
Whose parents do you know the best? Well considering the only people's parents I've met more than once would be Denny and Michele's, I'd say Denny and Michele.
Who has the best room? Cecil/Denny - Mainly because they keep it clean 24/7
Is most likely to grow up to be a model? Either Tonya or Danielle. They have the body and hair for it. I could see 'em doing that easily.
Which one knows most about you? Rebecca
Is most likely to become a comedian: Chad and Eric. They could have one MEAN routine together.
Who do you know most about? Rebecca
Is the smartest? Cecil. I don't know how smart he is per se (Sumter County School District 2's finest), but he's a really hard worker and he has the highest GPA out of all of us. So he gets this award.
Most likely to end up in jail? The person I should go with should be Phil. But I'm gonna go with Denny on this one. Don't know why really…don't know at all.

Others
What is your worst habit? I bite my nails when I'm bored (see MGT 423)
What really makes you mad? Unjustified personal attacks (see nWo EAP)
Scariest moment? I don't get scared. I have a little sister. Seen it all.
Happiest moment? I dunno. Nothing's jumping out at me right now.
Do you swear too much? Oh yeah. x3 if video games are involved.
What do you think about? The future. And the past. I'm a sucker for nostalgia.
Do you dress like a prep/snob/sporty? No. I go for comfortable. But considering I got teased Friday night for ironing my jeans and creasing them, I think some people might disagree. Bastards :-P

Well that was fun. Wonder what stupid stuff I'll come up with next time.

29 February 2004

2004-02-29T04:41:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Kanye West - "Home"

I've been told that a lot of the time when I write these things, the songs and lyrics I choose tear away more layers than anything I write. Good observation. I choose these things for a reason.

"I'm just tryin' to find a decent melody. A song that I can sing." - U2
I had a friend of mine tell me that I've been writing a lot. She's an observant one. There's not a lot of stuff on my mind. Just the same few thoughts/feelings that sneak up occasionally. Sometimes they're stronger than other times. Just depends on how much will power I have at the moment.

"The Air element of Gemini brings communication, intellect and speed! This is one of the joy- of-life signs, one that reaches out, expands and expresses. Gemini is an inquisitive student with a quick grasp of subjects. Mutable motivation brings adaptability. This is wonderful because variety-loving Gemini needs change. A flexible personality ensures that Gemini can connect with others. Gemini's active energy can go too far, and then Gemini has a hard time finding the right direction. Members of this sign needs a countervailing force of stability. The desire to communicate quickly and rapidly benefits when tempered by receptivity. Then not only can the Twins speak, they can listen in return -- and complete the circuit! Balance comes from slowing down, listening, and learning the fine art of follow-through!"

I really don't know why I wanted to know this all the sudden (or why I totally neglected my Taurus side). Just felt that maybe it would answer some questions in a fun little way. It answered a few questions, but mostly it gives me an excuse for reasoning as to why I treat myself as two different people sometimes. Maybe everyone should check out their profiles for their horoscope. Just for shits and giggles.

"If at first you don't succeed, you can dust it off and try again." - Aaliyah
I was talking to a friend of mind last night. Now she probably won't remember this conversation cause she was a little "well off." Anyways, we brought up some good points. A lot of times, good people get the shaft in the relationship department. Bad relationships, both people not pulling their weight, being treated awfully, etc. Now why it may not seem fair at times, just chalk it up to paying your dues. We all have to do it at some point and time. If you lucked up the first time, do you really know how great a person is? Something really can't be called good unless there's some type of bad to compare it to. A lot of times it takes spending time/energy/effort on someone you don't want to realize the type of person you need.

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick…caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new"
- Cyndi Lauper
Time is so cruel. It slows down for no one. It speeds up for no one. Sometimes it acts a prison, other times it's a utopia. The worst part about it is that you can't go back in it to redo things and you can't go forward to see what happens next. I'm such a dreamer. This I know.

"Your head and your heart are two extremely complex things. When they work together, beautiful things happen. When they don't, you end up second guessing yourself a lot. If your head is into something but your heart isn't, you really could give two shits about whether something gets done or not. If your heart is into something but your head isn't, you usually end up [feeling] like a damn fool before you realize what you've done."
- T_Piddy, 1/14/2002

Or in some cases, what you didn't do. I write all this stuff, yet time and time again, I fail to actually read it. At least until it's too late. Sure as hell would have answered a lot of questions for me lately.

"Says she wants to dance to a different groove. You know what to do G, just Bust-A-Move."
- Young MC
Sometimes a clueless third party is what you need to validate ideas floating around in your head. Sometimes you can't tell if you're just being crazy or if other folks see things the same way you do. Sometimes a good "that's a good idea," "you should take that job," "the two of ya'll are made for each other," "no, don't eat that," or a "maybe winging it is the best option" is all you need to hear just to ease your mind.

"I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?"
- Bloodhound Gang
Since I have the space to do so… Running Gags that have definitely gotten out of hand:

· I don't like girls in wheelchairs. I mean, I don't not like them - but its not like I'm going to go out of my way to find one. Talk about things you could do w/ a wheelchair ramp and some good breaks and you're some type of weirdo.

· I don't want a girl under the age of 17. See above reasoning. Okay, actually don't see that one. My sister is 16. I really don't want to date any of her friends anytime soon. Maybe when she's 20, cause then I'll be 24 ;-) And considering I don't think I've ever liked a girl younger than me, I'm really confused as to how this came about. Oh yeah, one Hillary Duff comment too many… Oh well. I'd still drink her ba [Okay, that's enough. This is what got you in trouble the first time]

"I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna be fine, don't worry about this heart of mine."
- Ace of Base
I'm a big believer in the Boomerang Effect. The whole "When the time just isn't right for something, let it go. If it's meant for you, it'll come back." I can't say have anywhere I want to go with that, just felt like expressing that. It might make sense to some people, but to most, it probably won't.

"You say it best when you say nothing at all" - Allison Krauss
(That's 2 country music quotes in 2 postings. I definitely gotta fix that.)
Looking back on this thing, I think I just wrote a bunch of nothing. Once again, leaving the important things to worry about later. I need to actually start keeping a physical journal. I could express so much more that way. Maybe if I worked on not being an attention whore and I could actually pull that off :-P

24 February 2004

2004-02-24T04:30:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Depeche Mode - "Somebody"

Terence: And you're here why?
T_Piddy: Nice to see you again too. Welcome back.
Terence: Once again, why are you around?
T_Piddy: Considering I'm your better half, you should be happy to see me.
Terence: Better half? That's debatable… Anyways, why are you here?
T_Piddy: Geesh, tough crowd. See if I hang out with you anymore.
Terence: Well considering the last few times you showed up, that might be a good thing.
T_Piddy: Anyways… How about we do this one together?
Terence: What's in it for me?
T_Piddy: Umm… Fair-skinned white women?
Terence: But I like Hispanic women.
T_Piddy: No, I like Hispanic women.
Terence: Oh yeah. Good point. Okay, deal.
T_Piddy: Better be a deal. Especially after that punk ass song you chose...

"Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, so please stop explaining." - No Doubt
You know what really irks people more than anything, people that speak to them only when they have a problem. They talk your ear off about what's going wrong with them, what's going to happen next, what could happen, etc., etc. Then when they're done, they leave. No small talk, no catching up, no nothing. And don't try to come to them with a problem. There's probably an 80% chance you're going to get cut off mid-sentence with a story about how your situation is "just like" what they're going through. Then to make matters worse, two weeks later, you're now one of their problems? Why? Because you're not talking to them. Well shit, its not like you ever were saying anything before - only difference is now there's no warm body for them to talk to.

"I like talking about you, usually, but occasionally I wanna talk about me." - Toby Keith
Ya know, as much as I appreciate being an "adult," there are some things I miss from being a kid. If I had to pick one thing it would probably be getting picked up from school. Why? Well mom would come pick me up, get me all buckled up and ask me "how was your day?" Now I'm sure for a three year old, this can't be too interesting of a story, but she did it anyways. Cool thing was this continued until I graduated high school (well minus her buckling me in). After a while my sister and I were "conditioned" to this and then after a while we caught on to asking how her day went. It's a nice return gesture to show people you actually care about them. Weird thing now is, I still ask everyone how thing's are going - cause everyone likes talking about their day.

------------------------------------------
Since I finally saw "A Bronx Tale" in its entirety, I decided I could comment on it now. It's a good flick. It's no Ghostbusters or anything, but good nonetheless. Anyways, it had some good theories/tests in it. And after the success of the Ladder and Thanksgiving Theories (EAP Final), I figured I'd toss this one out for ya'll. Now for damn near everyone, this is old stuff but I know of a lot of people I've had to tell it to, so here goes:

"Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her… Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and only sees the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

Now fellas, in order for this to work, it takes a little bit of being a gentleman first off. I know that's like pulling teeth for some of us, but think about it - "The lock button is judge and jury, presiding over the Door Test like a Roman emperor watching gladiators, indicating a broad's success or failure with a mechanical thumbs-up or thumbs-down."
----------------------------------------

"A whole new world. Every turn a surprise with new horizons to pursue."
- Aladdin & Jasmine

College is one of the weirdest rollercoaster rides ever. You get on, lost and confused. You don't have the slightest idea of what is going to happen next. After a year, you're now a "college expert." You have everything figured out and life is good. You have your clique. You have your routine. This utopia lasts for about 2 years or so. Then as you come to the end of your ride and you're about get off, you realize something - you're just as lost as your were when you started. You may have an idea as to what comes next, but nothing is written in stone. Jobs, living arrangements, money, friends - all these become variables once again. And for a little while you're really concerned. But after a while you realize, you've played this game before. The things you're the most afraid of will eventually become some of your greatest learning experiences. If you think about it, how much fun would life be to live if you knew everything that was going to happen next?

Random Thought: Has anyone else noticed that John Kerry looks a lot like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street?

Random Comment: Your true friends know the song to your heart and sing it back to you when you forgot the words.

Guy Mode On

Terence: Whoa, this ain't an EAP son.
T_Piddy: I'm pretending it is. T_PIDDY 4EVA!!!!!
Terence: *shakeshead*

-----------------------------------
If there's one thing I've learned as of late it's that ice-skating is DEFINITELY a sport for white people. I mean its fun and all, but black people play basketball for a reason. I'm not saying this to be funny, I'm saying this because ice is hard and cold. And considering we (Chad and Eric, I'm looking at you two) fall a lot more than white folk, I think I have significant data to back this up. On the plus side, after two weeks of sliding around on thin-ass blades, I can now "skate" without the assistance of the wall or anyone other than myself. Still can't get up after a spill tho. Oh well.

Perfect measurements for a girl: 36-24-48. Yes, 48 inches. Now I have no clue what 48 inches looks like, but I've seen 42. And that's not bad at all. An extra 6 inches can only be a good thing.
-----------------------------------

Terence: *sigh* First off, this is why you like Hispanic women. Second, its comments like that that keep me from drinking. If its not one thing to get me in trouble, its another. I can almost feel her hitting me for that one.

T_Piddy: You can thank me later :-)

16 February 2004

2004-02-16T04:22:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: A.F.I. - "Silver and Cold"

Well Terence decided to take this one off. He picked the song then said he had something to handle. Oh well… Looks like Piddy gets to take this one over. (Or basically I wanted to write an EAP w/o really doing so.)

"And you don't want to lose it again, but I'm not like them." - *nSync
As always, I've used this space to hand out awards to various folks. It's my space, I can do shit like that. First up, I'd like to thank my girl Michele. She's been good to me lately - not any one particular thing, just in general. And for her, that's like pulling teeth. Definitely didn't go unappreciated. Next, the "where in the blue hell did all this come from" award goes to my fellas. I didn't know whether to be impressed, surprised, or proud, but Valentine's Day made me really feel good. Now most of the time, women are right. Men are dogs, we suck, blah, blah, blah. But Saturday was different. Six guys did a fantastic job of taking a few lovely ladies out for a good night. Some of the outings were planned out in advance, some just straight off the cuff, some were just friendship-type outings - but it was all quite possibly the most sweet & honest thing ever. Shit, next time a girl asks me where she can find a good man (which she should never ask with Piddy standing in front of her…), I'll just point to my boys. Good job fellas.

"There's plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground. You can beat him, you can cheat him, you can treat him bad, and leave him when he's down."
- Queen
Friends are your friends for a reason. They're there when you're sad. They're there when you're happy. Actually, most of the time they're happier for you when something good happens than you are. They've seen you at your best. They've seen you at your worst. Evenso, you should never take 'em for granted. The golden rule still applies with them too.

Quick Thoughts
There are times when you spend way too much time, energy, and money searching for something. Who knows what it is, doesn't matter. But have you ever stopped to think that whatever you're looking for was right under your nose the whole time?

Due to my most random of timing lately, living next to a house full of girls, and just being the most randomest of observers if you were to ask me when a girl is the prettiest, I'd probably say when she's in her pajamas. I'm not talking about like something sexy or whatnot. Just a t-shirt and some flannel/sweat pants. There's just something real natural about that.

"It's a shame. They say, "there's so much you know he'll never enjoy…" - Angie Aparo
You can never judge a book by its cover. The quietest people sometimes have the most interesting of conversations. You would be really surprised as to what's on their mind when you give them a chance to speak. If you can, make friends with that quiet person who's in all your classes. They have lots to say too - it's just that sometimes with everyone hogging the microphone they get lost in the shuffle.

"He wants more dinero just to stay at home, well my friend, ya gotta say…" - Offspring
You ever notice that looking for a job is like looking for a girlfriend? You go check out every job opening you can. Rejected here, looking for something long-term, only want a part-time thing, etc, etc and then after a while it gets old. Well eventually when you're about to just call it a quits, some job opens up, feels sorry for you and gives you a chance. Then just as things get rolling at the new place, all the other jobs you applied for start calling back, showing interest and whatnot. Apparently, you have to have a job for new jobs to even want to give you a second look. What's up with that?

(Ya know, I thought about this during the summer of sophomore year. Don't think it ever managed to make it into a real EAP, so here is just as good a spot as any)

Parting Thought
"It would help me to know do I stand in your way? Or am I the best thing you've had?"
- Pat Benetar
You should never throw yourself at someone unless you know they're willing to catch you. If not that fall is gonna hurt like a bitch…

Quick Shoutouts
Arianna: Boo for grad school. Boo for working. Boo for you getting Spring Break way earlier than me. Yay for you being in that Girls Gone Wild video.
Kim: Thank you very kindly. Twas a wonderful idea. I know who to come to now for random ideas…
Michele: Technically you don't deserve a shoutout. You were the first thing I talked about. What more do you want from me?
Kel: Ey, let's not forget about us over here. We like seeing you too sometimes. ;-) And how about you start getting up early enough to go to class with me?
Cassie: For the Accounting 307 notebook and tests, I expect all presents to be forwarded to my home address. ;-) And I'm so glad you cut back on the amount of work you were doing. You were making me look lazy… Okay. I do a good job of that myself.
Denny: As of lately, I don't know whether were should call you Rico Suave or Smooth Criminal.
Phil: Well my friend... You've definitely made this semester more interesting… Hot or Not? Sorry bro, I'm gonna have to go with Not. I mean you're cute and all, but I just don't find you attractive. Nothing personal.
Cecil: Thank ya kindly for bringing my suit back. I couldn't look sharp without you.
Tristan: So glad you stopped running. You were wasting away my friend. Now if we could just get you to not sleep during the day so much we'd be okay.
Jen: No. of times you fell - 0. No. of times Terence fell - 2. What does this prove? Other than the fact you're a better skater than me, not much. ;-) I'm still cooler… You might have the upper hand on being prettier than me tho. Not by much tho...not by much
Eric: So glad you could watch The Lion King 1 ½ with us. You did a good job at providing surround sound during so many scenes.
Chad: My Ultimate Ric Flair DVD would like to thank you for allowing me to purchase it. Good lookin' out there. Hope you appreciate the Friend of the Day award from 2/16/04

8 February 2004

2004-02-08T04:16:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Nora Jones - "Come Away With Me"

Unlike my last few selections, don't look too deep into this one. I just thought it was a pretty song. But its not like anyone (outside of Kelli) reads this thing anyways. Believe it or not, I kinda like it that way. I can get away saying w/ a lot more here since this isn't what the EAP was…

"I had a smile. Stretched from ear to ear. To see you walking down the road…"
- Sarah McLachlan
Tis true. A smile is worth a thousand words. Sometimes the meaning of those words can be amplified - it just depends on where they come from. A smile from your mom says, "sure you may be half retarded and wearing a ghostbusters costume for no apparent reason, but you're still my son." Other times you get a fantasmic smile and all in the world is perfect. Everything slows down for a moment and something says, "Life is good. What next and when?" Then there are times when you get an equally as great smile. Everything's still perfect. But this time you hear, "Hey. How many times do we have to go over this? No."

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go."
- Green Day
This is such an overwhelming feeling. There's about twenty questions I want answers to. What am I going to do after college? Where am I going to live? Who am I going to marry? Will I be happy? Is everything going to be okay?, etc. etc. I think all the questions come from all the uncertainty that life brings as you get closer and closer to finishing college. Thing is, I keep forgetting that I'm only 20. I still have (God-willing) approximately 60 years of my life ahead of me. In time, all my questions will be answered. Only problem is, I'm not really good at being patient.

"To the beat ya'll and Scooby snacks. I met a fly girl and I can't relax. Never had to be on a movie screen, cause she's the leading lady in all my dreams."
- LFO
One night Phil (my roomie) and I were talking. He was saying, "what he wouldn't give to meet a girl and just go completely all out for her. Girls do it all the time and they look like they're so happy." Then we kept talking and realized something - guys just can't pull that off anymore. If you put too much effort into a girl, you're trying to hard. This winds up scaring her off. If you don't try at all you're an ass and that doesn't earn you any cool points either. So you shoot for the middle ground - not too much, not too little attention. Guess what, you're now on the Friend Ladder. The weird thing is that girls always say the chase is the fun part. Question is, fun for who?

T_Piddy: Before we go any farther, I'm really proud of Terence for that LFO reference. Good job buddy.

"The secret to survival is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep."
- Kenny Rogers
There are some things that you tell yourself are a good idea. They look like good ideas. Nice, good, sound plans. Then you think about it and go, "maybe I shouldn't." And it's a nice little battle back and forth, back and forth. Eventually you decide "hey, I'm gonna go for it." Well if "Divine Intervention" comes through and completely makes it as if you never even had a plan to begin with, well then guess what - it probably wasn't a good idea.

""You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me…" - Avril Lavigne
2 Topics, 1 Song Quote. First up, first impressions are a big thing to people. A lot of people go by the them. Me, not so much. I understand if someone comes off odd the first time I meet them, which is fair enough. They're not on their turf, I'm new to them (and vice versa), and lots of other things that can influence how they behave. What I care about is the eighty-first impression. After you've met a person a few times, that's when you can tell what they're really like. They can only put up a front for so long, and eventually their true colors will come shining through."
- RAW 2
Just felt that this should be put here as a refresher... Sometimes I forget things. I also forget to take my own advice sometimes. :-P

11-22 January 2004

2004-01-22T04:09:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Garbage - "I'm Only Happy When It Rains"

"Lord I don't cry no mo, don't' look to the sky no mo. Have mercy on me, have mercy on my soul…"
- 50 Cent
Life isn't fair sometimes. But I knew that already. No one ever said it was supposed to be. Everyone gets a good hand dealt to him or her at some point in life. It's just a matter of waiting for your turn.

"We love in vein. Narcissistic and so shallow…" - Marilyn Manson
If I do say so, I've learned a lot this semester. And considering its only January, I'm quite impressed. One of the things I learned I found out in my Mgmt 430 class (white-collar crime). According to some handout, I have a lot of signs of being narcissistic. Now while I'll agree with the 5 out of the 9 points wholeheartedly, I wouldn't call myself narcissistic. I prefer egocentric. Or slightly conceited. Or if I want to sugarcoat it, full of self-esteem. I care to much sometimes to be narcissistic. That and the fact I wouldn't be able to spell the damn word without the help of spell-checker.

"Listen, here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done." - Juliana Theory
In a conversation I had w/ a friend of mine not too long after posting the Anthology, she asked me why I do these [EAP & RAW] things. Simple answer. Keeps not only peace of mind not just for me, but also for everyone else. I write these things to a) vent and to b) appease everyone. I wrote way back when that "people get off on other people's misfortunes." The EAPs w/ the largest hit counts were the ones that weren't the most pleasing. Sure, I could have just kept quiet about the extremely bad/weird things that happen to me, but then my friends get curious. Then they start talking. Then it gets all weird, and I go on the offensive, them on the defensive, yadda yadda. I found out in high school that its not worth all the hassle. It's easier just to communicate what's going on. Keeping things inside of your head/heart is never a good thing. And besides, sometimes the best way to hide things are to just leave them out in the open.
(T_Piddy: O. K. Considering when Terence wrote this (1/14) and when I'm proofreading this (1/22), I'd have to say this is easily the most prophetic thing he's written in a loooong time…)

"…and I may find in time that you were always right. You're always right."
- Vertical Horizon
You know, sometimes you don't find out you were wrong until way down the road. And when you do, you're like "Damn. I messed up on that one." A couple years back Rebecca (most of ya'll know who she is, so I'm not explaining) pretty much chewed me out. Why? Because apparently I didn't "treat her like a girl." Now at the time, I was like this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But in hindsight, which is always 20/20, it was a pretty logical statement. Sometimes you don't really notice how you don't treat someone until you can make some type of comparison. Call it being complacent or just straight unobservative (that is so not a word), but you really don't notice when you lose your twinkle in your eye or you stop sending that nice sweet little email just because. It happens, but not on purpose. Anyways, I'm rambling. I need a point here… Let's see - Guys, treat your ladies right. Remember they're women and don't forget why you liked 'em in the first place, Girls - don't hate us for being dumb sometimes. There. I cleaned that up nicely.

"I keep asking myself, wondering "how?" I keep closing my eyes, but I can't figure out…"
- t.A.T.u.
First off Arianna, that's a HUGE ladder jump. I think I'll just be weary of that one. Second off, yes your right. Guys can't tell the difference between girls "playing hard to get" and girls going "please stop bothering me." Speaking from experience, I know I sure can't. You guys should just come with digital readouts. It'd make life a lot easier.

"Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know…"
- Matt Brochu, UMass Collegian Columnist
Conversations. There's a huge difference between actually listening to what the person is saying and listening to when they're done so when you know its your turn to talk. Think about that next time you have a conversation…

5 January 2004

2004-01-05T04:05:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Evanescence - "My Immortal (Band Version)"

I'd prefer an instrumental right now, but I don't want to look for it at the moment. The words just don't really convey what I'm thinking completely, but the music speaks to me.

Sometimes the winds that blow are not just some simple breeze. Sometimes what'd you like to be the winds of change carry the past along for the ride. It's like the smell of the night air floods your brain with memories you thought you had forgotten. Some good. Some bad. Some interesting. But memories nonetheless. Then when your present catches up to you and taps you on the shoulder, you look it in the eye, and you just completely draw a blank. You kinda just wanna swim around in the old memories for a little bit longer. And when you snap back into it (or just get cold from being outside) you realize something - yep. That's a new memory you just made. Pleased with it?

"I'm just a dreamer. I dream my life away…" - Ozzy Osbourne
I give my imagination credit. I'm never at a loss for scenarios. I can see a whole forest. I can see it flourish into a giant rain forest. I can see it burn to the ground in a raging inferno. But somewhere along the line, I kinda forget to plant the first tree in the ground. Then after all that I decide, "I don't have a green thumb. Why am I planting trees?" Next thing I know I've moved on to some other task that looks great to start.

"And you fall and you crawl, and you break, and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty…"
- Avril Lavigne
Sometimes you receive so much data and information you really don't know how to use it. Some of the data would be great to have if you could process it quicker. The information would be wonderful if you knew how to benefit from it. I seriously believe life should come with a quick troubleshooting handout. Especially when it comes to life changing decisions. A quick time out would be nice. Not even a full, a 20 sec. would be good.

"(There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. Consuming…) Confusing what is real."
- Linkin Park
Its like I have something on my mind but I just can't get to it. Whatever it is it's doing a damn good job of keeping me up at night late, yet waking me up before I'm rested. Whatever it is, I'm sure its gonna make life interesting. Oh well… At least it won't come as a surprise.

"I'm that nigga that they love to hate. I'm gonna make you use your mind, God has sent the sign. And when you listen to these rhymes, nigga take your time. Against I ask, if heaven was hell and vice versa..."
- Pastor Troy

T_Piddy: Mirrors. A lot of times you look into mirrors. You take 'em for granted sometime, unless your me. Then you're quite fond of them. But occasionally you look into that mirror and you question what's reflected back at you. Sometimes you wonder if what you're looking at is what's for real or just what'd you like to see. Either way, you're gonna stay pretty damn close to that mirror. And people call me conceited… :-)

14 December 2003

2003-12-14T04:01:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Blink 182 - "Adam's Song"

"I know that over the last several months I've lost a lot of things and one of them has been my smile. And, and I know it doesn't mean a whole lot to everybody else, but it means a lot to me. So I have to go back and fix myself, and take care of myself, and I have to go back and I have to find my smile because somewhere along the line I lost it and I don't care, really, I don't care if it's unpopular, and I don't care if people want to make fun of me because I'm an emotional guy."
- Shawn Michaels

I don't really know what else to say after that quote. It pretty much summed everything up. This break will be good. As a whole, the semester was good stuff, but there were a lot of times I was just going through the motions. I'm really good at pretending sometimes. Chalk on the addition of the end of the semester ending in the most abrupt and weirdest of fashions, I really have no clue what's going on. With anything. It's almost at the point where I just really don't care to have a clue.

To make matters worse, I get to go home for three weeks. Now I don't have a bad family life or anything. As a matter a fact, I love my family and vice versa. It's just that the place I call home sucks. Nothing changes. Everything is pretty much the same as it was when I left high school. Which was the main reason I was so excited to get the hell out of there. The city doesn't try to better itself. The people don't try to better themselves. After a calendar year in being in Clemson, this is going to be the longest 3 wks since break freshman year. At least then I had a distraction…

Evenso, I need these three weeks just for me. To recharge. I'm not hurt. I'm not (overly) sad. Just confused at the moment… As of right now, I quit. I'm just gonna go home and play DDR.

(T. Piddy: I actually feel him on this. No difference in opinion from me.)

12 December 2003

2003-12-12T03:56:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: Andrew W.K. - "She Is Beautiful"

Man, was this a good week. Its weeks like these you realize what the word family means. No one said we have to like each other all the time, but we've all got each other's backs. That's good stuff right there. Plus, who else can we bug out with all the time? Much love also goes out to Brit, Libby, and Mandy. I figured you guys deserved a little more than just away messages for your oh so kind gestures. Maybe it should be finals week more often…

"Too real is this feeling of make believe. Too real when I feel what my heart can conceive."
- The Platters
Question of the week - "Does you have a record player?" Why'd I ask this question? Cause I'm the only retard that goes out and buys LPs knowing good and well the only record player that he knows he can use is 3hrs away. Tis all good tho. I love CDs, but there's this magic that you can only get with records. Blame it on the fact that I grew up hearing my moms records or because you can buy 4 records for a $1.00 at the local music store. Steal of the week: nabbing a Platters Greatest Hits LP for a quarter. Damn I made out well on that one.

"You know all the right people. You play all the right games." - Everclear
If you keep trying to be everything to everyone, its gonna catch up with you. Then you won't know what you are to yourself. Live for you and no one else.

"So cry just a little for me. Could you cry a little for me?" - Angie Aparo
I was listening to this song ("Cry" by Angie Aparo) and I was thinking, when was the last time I had a good heartfelt cry? I'm talking straight bawling. Its been a while, at least since freshman year. Maybe a nice one would be good, just for peace's sake. They taught me back in elementary school that nothing's wrong with crying. Sister Bernadette said that crying was cleansing to the soul. Maybe everyone would feel a lot better if they just let it all out sometimes.

(T. Piddy: Ya know, with everyone one of these RAW things he peels back more and more layers of himself. He's really killing the whole invincible, ego-driven, no-guilt feeling image I built up nicely in the EAP. I really can't handle this…bleh.)

"The dice was loaded from the start. And I bet..." - Dire Straits
Smitten? Yeah, pretty much. I swear I'm hopeless.

"Its funny. Funny how time goes by, and blessings are missed in the blink of an eye."
- R. Kelly
If you could go back and change anything, what would you change and why? I was thinking about this the other day, and I'd have to say nothing. There were some things in the past that I wasn't too pleased with, but I chalk them all up as learning experiences. Without those experiences, who says I'd be the same person I am now. And I'm happy with who I am now, past mistakes and all. But the old saying that "hindsight is 20/20" is so true. So very true.

"You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me…" - Avril Lavigne
2 Topics, 1 Song Quote. First up, first impressions are a big thing to people. A lot of people go by the them. Me, not so much. I understand if someone comes off odd the first time I meet them, which is fair enough. They're not on their turf, I'm new to them (and vice versa), and lots of other things that can influence how they behave. What I care about is the eighty-first impression. After you've met a person a few times, that's when you can tell what they're really like. They can only put up a front for so long, and eventually their true colors will come shining through. Second, "attention whores" - I so don't like 'em. And an attention whore doesn't have to be a female. Guys are guilty of it too. Its one thing to be in the spotlight, cause everyone likes a little attention sometime. Its another to want to own the spotlight, run it, and constantly shine it on you. The AW may be getting a lot of joy out of it, but the people around 'em really could care less.

7 December 2003

2003-12-07T03:07:00.000-05:00

RAW Choice Cut: The Juliana Theory - "If I Told You This Was Killing Me, Would You Stop?"

Well, I did keep my word. Technically. The EAP is dead and gone (for now) and in its place we have RAW. Yeah, I'm not too keen on the name either, but it gave me a reason to use a WWE logo in a useful way. Plus its useful in that the stuff here won't be as processed as my EAP thoughts were. So in a nutshell, when I'm mad or upset I'm just gonna vent here instead of throwing knives in an EAP. This'll be more like a journal (so it'll actually get updated). Maybe one day if (when) the EAP comes out of retirement I can use them as two separate brands. Anyways, it's a new beginning. New digs, new colors, new avatars, and plenty of new thoughts… This could get interesting.

"Though you swear that you are true, I'd still pick my friends over you." - A New Found Glory
I've noticed something. I swear your friends have radar. Its almost as if they can pull what's good for you and what's not. I think in my 4 years here I've only seen a group of friends be wrong maybe twice. Now the question is what happened those two times? Depends on who you ask. The friends were either right and the person at fault was a retard or the person making the "brilliant" decision was right and now the advice from their people has to be taken with a grain of salt. Well that's an interesting situation to be in, now ain't it?

"Chuck Smooth, the neighborhood mutt, chasin' after that butt." - Chuck Smooth
Yet another topic that got its start in the summertime. Guys who can lay down the mack at a party, I applaude you. I've just never been fond of the whole "corral" approach, but to each their own. I must say, it does take skill. Its hard enough trying to come up with conversation to hold a female's attention as is, but to do it while you're competing with music, alcohol, and about 6 other guys all wanting the same girl's
attention, well that just takes skill. Me - I'll chill by the keg and wait til there's somewhere less busy.

"I'm only a man, in a phony red sheet. Its not easy (its not easy) to be me…" - Five For Fighting
Okay, this don't happen often, but I'm gonna try and make this a more frequent thing. Call it the beginning of a self-actualization process or me being really vulnerable right now and embracing it (which is soooo not like me). Anyways, I'm gonna ask for help here every so often and I'd appreciate a little help with it. In a nutshell, I have problems expressing emotions. Well, to better phrase that, emotions other than extreme happiness, jealousy, or extreme anger. I'm good at those. But the middle ones (sadness, joy, love, frustration, etc.) I have a little trouble with. Its been about two years since I've had to use 'em, and sometimes I question whether or not they're still there. How can you help? Ask me questions or just listen to me when I want to talk about something that's serious. That's all, nothing too major. I'd greatly appreciate it.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking. Completely incomplete. I'll take your invitation. You take all of me." - Lifehouse
Sometimes I question where time goes. Its almost as if things happen, then in the blink of an eye, they're gone. The moment has passed. All you have left now are you memories. And even those start to fade after time. Then all you're left with is a random toy and questions you'll never get answered.

"Too bad that you couldn't see, see the man that boy could be…" - Avril Lavigne
Since I'm always willing to help, let me just offer this suggestion. Let him go, you'll quite possibly want to dropkick yourself. If he makes you smile you say he does, then you owe it to yourself to at least think about it again. And if you ask as to why I put this in print, well a) I knew you'd read it and b) sometimes things get through better in print than they would have if I had just said it...

"Cease to resist. Giving my goodbye. Drive my car into the ocean. You think I'm dead, but I sail away… On a wave of mutilation, wave of mutilation, wave of mutilation, wave…" - The Pixies
It's good to get away sometimes. Every now and then you need a trip to be just be by your lonesome. We're all packed pretty tight here, so free time is a rarity. When you do manage to get off by yourself, enjoy it. Give yourself time to think. Air out your thoughts. Sing if necessary. Then when you get done, go home. But don't bring any of your baggage back with you. That was the point of you disappearing in the first place.